I called for help . But they ruined my life

Hello, my name is Boris, I used to be a part of IDF yesterday . but I unfortunately not anymore .

During my service I have suffered a long depression, I tried to ask to see a military psychologist, but they fooled me and told me I was just fine and it just a diffictuly everybody face sometimes, and it passes with time and of course, I bought it.
I continued to suffer.
Six months ago, I felt the pressure only increases, and I began experiencing unpleasant anxiety sometimes, and asked to see a psychologist again. It took several months. In the meantime, I withdrew into myself, I really was kinda "disconnected" from my friends, from the social . I just wasn't in mood .

I started therapy with a military psychologist.
One of my friends, guided/hinted me to avoid eye contact and avoid answering quick questions . I found later, that I really couldn't come in eye contact with people, so it was easy to avoid any eye contact, and I could prevent uncomfortable situations.
They probably misunderstood me because I wasn't completely 'depressed' because I showed an low psychomotor unrest ( which I guess comes with anxiety ? I don't know . . )
Speech Barrier :
I could not share my feelings and thoughts with her. It was really hard and it was not an act. everytime I thought to say something I kinda choked and stuttered .
Avoiding eye contact wasn't an act anylonger, I really felt like I can't do it . She noticed something was really bothering me.
I've been diagnosed by "Medium Mental Distress."

At the second meeting, same thing, she saw that I was trying to share more but still couldn't. She asked me to try to write a diary of thoughts, a Thoughts Journal . My diary of thoughts, oh my dear diary, I really loved the idea, I bought one, and really loved to ouwrite my thghts and feelings. Everytime I felt kinda anxious, I wrote something down . even if it was not organized and not reasonable for reading . It really helped me .

Before the 3rd meeting, My friend was like " NO NO ! You can't tell her that you do the Homework, it means you are in progress, andth she will keep this at way and you won't get what you want and won't get any help ".
I'm sorry I forgot to mention what I wanted . I was a Truck Driver , and I really didn't like it , it caused me aches in my back and my knees, but I doctors said I'm okay I just gotta do a physiotherapy .
I listened to him, and I didn't show her my diary. When she said "remember I asked you to write your thoughts", I didn't even react about that, I don't know why, I freaked out . She probably was desperate about me, and didn't know what to do because I could'nt share anything yet . She asked me again if I wanna meet a psychiatrist. I said "Don't know" . really didn't know how helpful would it be .

This is where things went wrong way, out of control, and out of proportion .
I was told to wait outside, and after half hour, I was invited into psychiatrist's Room .
* HE WASN'T SO SOFT AS THE psychologist was *
I guess they just don't do it like psychologists do . They just run a mental status examination .a "paper" full of questions .
and they "eat" whatever I "serve" them .

The psychiatrist made me anxious and stressed, as I never was before . especially in 1on1 talks . I really felt bad .
I felt his questions are getting far away from my mental situation . I answered "I don't know" for most of them,
And he pushed me into the corner on that one too . He asked questions like I didn't even think I would have to answer . EVER .
First of all he checked how I feel, bla bla bla, then he was like . "Why are you answering don't know on everything ??",
"Why you don't look me in the face ?", "come on, look at me. Boris ? Look at me! " , "Do you think someone is chasing you sometimes ?", "Do you think there is a secret organization that follows you ?", " Do you think that the T.V is sending signals to you sometimes? "
I was like OMG what is he talking about . I didn'nt EVER even think about those stuff . I freaked out . I was extremley Anxious cuz I felt things are going out of proportion and those questions are . . . odd ?

Now, because I was so anxious, he made me anxious because I answer most of question "I dont know" "I don't think so" "No"
The anxiety, made me answer positive for question like "Do you feel like people sometimes watching you, checking you out ?" I said yes kinda . but I actually meant that I feel discomfort when people are watching at me . as it does to most of people .
and the BREAKDOWN. I was so anxious that I answered positive for something like " Do you hear voices sometimes?" " do you think there is something in your head ?" I said yes kinda . . that I once heard something whispered my name .
I was so anxious I didn't even realize that IT MEANS HALLUCINATIONS !
I don't really experience those whispering voices, and nobody is in my head ! and I don't think somebody is watching me to test me, and that he's from secret organization . L O L .

He immidiately suspected a psychotic distress . Sent me to civilian hospital, an emergency .
I was kinda shocked and still was anxious about everything happens . Didn't know what to do . .
in the hospital, 2 Psychiatrists checked me . made another mental examination
IT was another breakdown, I was really anxious, I didn't go for Eye contact, and I stuttered, and I was in psychomotor unrest .
The first psychiatrist tried to force me to look at his face by "I will have to call your mother if u won't respect what I ask" .
Stupid me, I still didn't look them in the eyes . I really was anxious and didn't want to stop everything I started for .
He said they have to HOSPITALIZE me . and I was like WHAT THE HELL is going on ?!? I'm just depressive . come on you are experts, how can't you see that ?
I confirmed again that I sometimes hear voices, but I tried to deny it and talk about it less . it didnt' help .

I refused to get hospitalized .
He didn't want to get a decision right away, so he called an expert psychiatrist .
I was invited into the room again. She was much more nice and it was easier to have a conversation with her .
About suicidal thoughts . to him I just said I sometimes think about it .
To her, I was able to say that I can't really hurt myself because I will actually hurt my mom too .
To her, I said I'm not sure about those voices and such .

I COULD NOT tell them that I don't really hear voices . because I was freaking ANXIOUS that if I will tell them it's not true, I actually lied to the psychiatrist in military .
I did my mistakes. but overall . they were DONE because I'm having a mental distress , with depression and anxiety .
I didn't see it coming , it's not what I wanted . all I really wanted is some help. somebody to rescue me from my terrible feelings, from my sadness .
Yes there was an Interest behind this . I wanted to stop driving trucks . why ? because it was mentaly hard for me, I couldn't handle it anymore, I didn't want them to make such decisions and diagonosis .

in ONE DAY! They diagnosed me as ' Psychotic Disorder' or Psychotic ilness . and a Suspect for Schizophrenia .
omg !! in the day after , I was told I'm officialy not fit to serve the army anymore .
and Today I'm already out .

It broke me down . I had 6 months to serve . now I'm demobilized for having a mental ilness . I feel shame . I feel like garbage .
cuz I wanted some help . what I got ? I got wrong DIAGNOSIS and they immidiately took off their responsibility . and kicked me out .

it made me go into deep depression . I maybe recognize myself as depressed and it's maybe it is a step to heal myself .
But I'm really broken . I sometimes convince myself . "Wow, I really showed them some symptoms of Schizophrenia, maybe I am?"
I don't want to face reality no more . I am now trash . not in the army anymore . nobody cares of me . I wanted help and I got called "schizo" for that . that's how I feel . miserable .

This is where I find psychiatry is a FAIL . How they made those decisions in one day ? Just one day . and my world is twisted .

Having read your post, I am not actually surprised that you have come to the anti-psych forum. For example, that 'friend' of yours gave you completely wrong advice about the therapy. You said:

One of my friends, guided me how to act to show her a depressive distress . They guided me to answer for most of her question " I don't know" . and to not answer quickly . and be UN focused . and ofcourse show lack in eye contact .

If we all behaved that way when seeing a therapist, doctor, or psychiatrist, then we would'nt get any help either. I also want to point out that the whole purpose of therapy is to bring out your anxiety, but in a controlled way such that we learn to cope with it. For these reasons alone, I think you should look back over your experiences with thes professionals, and then maybe you will realise that it was in fact you who was to blame for not getting sufficient help. Based on what you have written here, the professionals you saw tried to help you, but you were just a 'closed book' to them. they are not mind readers, and they therefore need you to open your mouth and speak candidly in order for them to help you.

Kevin

Is IDF the Israeli Defense? One of the most professional and effective military orgs in the world? What were you doing lieing? Over and over you lied. They did not make this decision in a day. It started with your first visit to the 'cute psychologist'. And what exactly did you want for help? You had a cute psychologist. If you wanted an anti-depressant you could have asked her about that. You then continued to lie to the psychiatrist and then in the cilvilian hospital when things were by now way out of line, you had your last opportunity to clarify. And instead you lied. In my country you could possible be court martialed. Consider yourself lucky that they just kicked you out.

Kevin, I understand this, I really do and I do blame myself for the result eventually , and I feel a terrible shame .
If I could reverse the time and try again, I wouldn't act as I did . I would try to show my real feelings and what really bothers me .
I felt anxious even in the therapy . I didn't think clearly and I don't think clearly these days neither .

I'm really shocked . feels like I experienced some kind of a trauma here . I just opened my military doctor's last reference which directed to my future doctor, where he also noted psychiatric diganosis . and it hurts, really does . covering myself with shame again .
Impressions / diagnoses :
"Acute polymorphic psychotic disorder with symptoms of schizophrenia
Susp. Schizophrenia, paranoid "

later in this reference, he also noted again that I have difficulties in perception with reality .
Lacks insight into his mental health .

It makes me sad . I'm insight to my mental health status . I'm having a little anxiety disorder maybe . not sure of this . and a depression . EVENthough I showed them some psychotic symptoms , why i wasn't diagnosed as psychotic depression .
They missed the whole part of me being depressed .



EDIT: by the way, I didn't think anybody would read this long thread . Thank you for your time Kevin

No offense but it sounds like you got what you asked for. Sounds like you were just going to therapy and trying to fake a mental illness just to get out of driving a truck. Do you know how many people would love to have that truck driving job that are unemployed right now? Sorry... you get no pity from me. BTW,nice screen name.

Can I ask why you chose Lysergic Acid as your name? I doubt many here will know what Lysergic Acid is, and what exactly it is a precursor for, but I certainly know.

Anyway, don't let what happened in your past define your future. You are sorry for the way you approached the therapy, but you can ignore that, go back to the same doctor (or preferably a different one), and start-over. There is always time in life to change things, no matter what age you are.

Kevin

great story i guess u got what you wanted u dont have to drive the truck anymore.

I'm not lsd user . I just like how this screename looks . ( not lying about that )

Yes, I am sorry the way I approached the therapy, I didn't try to fake a mental ilness, I was depressed .
It's just I was kinda desperate, so I took my friend's advices and try to act according to them .
This is where it crossed each other, I didn't look her inthe eyes - I really prefer to avoid eye contact, but it's not something I really can't do . by the time, I found myself looking at the floor all the time, and I was really kinda "scared" to look at her, or maybe it is shyness ? don't know . .

I got what I asked for ? no . and btw, I was truck driver in military, my salary was about 100$ a month . which is barely enough for anything in my country lol .
I wasn't trying to fake mental ilness to get out of driving a truck . Driving a truck was a difficult task for me, all the thoughts were in mind could get me anxious, even crying while still driving . I had to work physically too, and after a hard day of work, I didn't want a damnthing, but guess what, I couldn't even fall asleep . Sleeptime like 3-5 hours, and driving the next day, I was tired all the time, I had no mood for friends, no mood for almost anything .
I asked to see a psychologist for like a 1year . and when I got the chance to see psychologist, I didn't want to hear anything like "You'll be fine, it's just a hard period " , "Don't pay attention for the negative side, Think of the good side " . cuz it doesn't help. and I didn't want to hear my psychologist saying the same thing . so I listened to my friend

Yes, I had 1,000 opportunities to clarify, But I didn't . I found myself that I can't even think straight . I didn't know why I'm doing this and I didn't stop . and I don't need you to tell me that I could stop it , BECAUSE I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY FREAKING MINUTE NOW !!

IDF ? You don't know $#%^ about the IDF . You know everything it wants the world to know . I don't know what exactly I wanted for help, maybe just to sit there and talk . I couldn't talk for 2 meetings, but maybe I would start in the 3rd or 4th meeting .
I didn't ask for antidepressant simply because I wasn't sure what I want . what's your problem ? ..
I don't know if I will be courted after I clarify my medical profile. I talked to my psychologist on the phone after all .
She said she understands that everything happened with the psychiatrists happened due to my real distress .
She understood my situation right away. She said that in one phonecall of 20minutes I shared more than I shared in a meeting faceTOface . why? because it's easier to say such things when you're not facing them face to face.
She also suspected if that all was an act, she asked why I stuttert most of time talking to her .
I said I'm not sure, eventhough I am sure . I feel choked when I try to talk it out . talk my problems out . my eyes immidiately full with tears, that's why I find myself stuttering sometimes, I hate to talk.


I already said, I feel guilty about it, and shame as well . helplessness .
I get flashbacks of the military psychiatrist asking the questions . "You think there is somebody in your head ?" , "You think suicidal ?" , "come on, you probably do, how much can a man suffer . ." Pushing me to say things I don't mean !

This is where all started . Maybe it's over . but it's not over in my head . I can't get rid of this .
Feels like this event developing a real psychotic disorder ^_^

I just wanted to share people here .

Well it sounds to me like you bit off way more than you could chew. You sound like you can't either think for yourself or used your friends guidance as a way of avoiding taking responsibility for you own feelings. How foolish you were. Move on from this and let go of what poor choice you made and see that Mental Health is not some sort of game! It is as serious and possibly as life threatening as Cancer or any other disease!
Do not minimize the power your mind can have over your actions. If you think you can run from your issues I have sad news for you. Eventually they will knock the wind right out of you. Be a big boy and soldier up. Go own your feelings and tell someone what you did. Get it out in open, face the consequences and get on with proper Diagnosis and treatment. What do you have to loose? Your pride? I'd say that has not served you well so far.
I apologize if my bluntness stings but I think maybe you will appreciate direct advice.
One

so you started out with a clearer mind and told them there was a problem and they brushed it off as typical? Then you felt anxiety along with the depression and this caused problems with communicating. I actually don't blame you for that any more than I blame a person with selective mutism for not talking because it is apparently a part of your disorder. You told them the truth and it got brushed off and then you stopped opening up, which is typical. They bombarded you with questions and tried prying rather as a way to get info and you didn't understand the depth of thee questions and you weren't ready to open up after being pent up for so long. You did eign an ability for eye contact, but it seems you went that route because no one listened when you told the truth and acted naturally the first time.

Did I summarize that well? I am trying to be empathetic here because I can only assume that you really are looking to solve your problems. Why would you come here if, as someone stated, you got what you wanted.

Tbh, I hate the questions and answer sometimes answer "idk" and i really don't know if I'm always answering the way I should. It really isn't unusual to get in there and not know how to respond or what is important to mention. My last visit to my inpatient clinic that is basically all that I said. In some ways I probably came off fine but I was going through a really difficult time and wasn't interested in being pushed into disclosing it. Also, plenty of times, especially before being diagnosed, I had been told a bunch of cheap adages that did nothing but get me to say "everything is fine" while my feeling festered inside.