Repeated, forced psychiatric care.

My name is unimportant, but I have been living in Texas for the duration of my psychiatric history. I do not have the talent to write a book, and at the moment am being forced back into the redundant cycle of 'theraputic' treatment that invariably has made my life more and more grossly unlivable than it began. Therefore I write:

I began studying psychology, philosophy, and religion at the age of 12, intent of finding a tie between the three that could solve the meaning of life. I was a. . . ambitious . . . but foolish child. The study ate at my time quite contently until about the age of 14, my memory in some states of my life ('inexplicably' coinciding with times I was medicated) is rather, hazy.

I say this because I want it to be understood, every ounce of my brainpower went to these studies at the expense of all else, and I was the greatest little advocate of psychology one could ever hope to encounter in a teenager. Until, until the moment I was caught in its web myself. . . .

After my first meeting with a mental care 'professional', I was diagnosed as manic depressive. Not all that uncommon in today's society. I spent two weeks locked up in a veritable day-care and ultimately (though not before memorizing their speech about accepting my need for the 'great and powerful' psychiatrists' 'aid') was released on the conditions that I take a medication. I have no idea what that medication was, nor so for much what followed in the proceeding 6 months (or something like that) in which I was on the medication. My marks in school were worse than they'd ever been, I was more reclusive than ever, I cried more than ever, I slept more than ever, they were, in fact, some of the worst months of my life. Of course, like any rational person I am not claiming my memory was simply wiped clean, or that I was 'zombified', no. . . more that I found myself so incapable of caring about anything, that all of those months, however long it really was, seem to mesh together into one abhorrently long day in my memory.

I do not rightly know how long it was later, I know the first was when I was 14, and I do not recall going back after my excursions from society after my sophomore year in high school. So anything within a two year time-frame lead to several visits to psychiatrists, and several more diagnosis.

My second visit, I was diagnosed with Massive Depressive disorder, a step down. Released after a few weeks with medication I never took, and a few months or so later re-admitted and diagnosed as a Bi-polar --- the funny thing is the -same- 'doctor' gave me all three of these diagnosis. Apparently he doesn't keep records. . . .

I took my medication again, I have no idea how long for, but that I mostly blame on the stress of my life at the time. That medication was actually called Lexipro, and as many 'doctors' will profess, it has little or no side-effects. That's true. . . it just doesn't really -do- anything either.

A, long time later, not really certain. I was; however, 17 and roughly 8 months old at the time. I got admitted again, this time, as all before, because I was cutting. Unlike all the other times; however, this time I was actually trying to kill myself rather than just... bored, is what I think I always told the 'doctors'.

Well, when I got out the the hospital I went into a mental health facility, again, only this time, refused my diagnosis, refused to acknowledge it, refused to take my meds, refused to pay attention to them. I had decided that my attempt to kill myself was an isolated incident that came from a combination of sudden shock at something as terrible as my girlfriend leaving me happened, compounded with just how truly happy I was at the time for the first time in my life! The said I had Borderline Personality Disorder, and my mother had to tell em that, as, according to her, the 'doctor' was afraid my knowledge of my diagnosis would allow me to manipulate my situation (it did, I took my medicine to remove the threat of permanent incarceration, and understanding my diagnosis was able to get out 2 days later....this was a total of a month inside)

I took my medication for a day, perhaps, after leaving, and when my friend suggested I drink to forget the lass, learned I do have a -physical- condition that lead to another mental health fiasco. When I drank, I honestly don't remember a single moment of that night, I don't know how much I drank, what I drank, when I started, nothing. . . . I remember being vaguely aware of being cold in a smelly room (I later deduced to be a prison holding cell), and then having the nightmare of realizing I was in prison, with no idea why I was there. Apparently I had started a fire, and apparently, I am allergic to alcohol in a manner that when I got the poisoning (and they said I did have alcohol poisoning) my mind completely snapped in half. That....sounds reasonable enough to me.

I plead temporary insanity, and for the first time in my life, not only did they say I was sane, they got every prior diagnosis I had ever received stricken from the record. 2 days after release on bail, I was court-ordered into involuntary therapy, first in-patient, then out-patient, until my medicaid ran out on my 18th birthday and they booted me out the door (mental facility in question being TMHMR)

I went to court, plead guilty, received 4 years differed adjudication (probation with the option, at the end, to go to court and try to have the conviction expunged). After 6 months I moved for college, and was immediately on my arrival evicted from their housing for having a criminal background, have been labeled "non-competitive" by over two dozen businesses here, was forced to withdraw from school due to being homeless and unemployed, and ultimately moved in with my mother.

Now, why I am I deciding to be pissed -now- of all times? Because, I have gone through 6 drug and alcohol dependency "evaluations" (I have never done drugs, and only drank the one time) -- every time I come up clean they simply court-order a new one. . . and 15 psychiatric evaluations.

If I was sane enough to be responsible for actions I have literally no recollection of, then why all of the sudden try and force me to come out insane? I don't mind them saying I am sane, I believe I am, but how can they tell me I can't even get a reduced sentence for what I did, because I am sane, and then say I am not sane enough to be outside of a mental health care facility?

The one time the system of psychology had the opportunity to help me instead of making my life worse, and it went out of its way to avoid doing so. Yet, immediately after they want me back into treatments that cause memory loss and lethargy, incarceration that steals me months even years of my life (years if they get it they way they really want to, not that they have yet ), therapy that makes me feel like a weak powerless nothing with no control over my life? Ridiculous!

The fact is as of this moment there is nothing wrong with me, only things wrong with my life, of course I'm not happy! Leave me alone and give me the chance to put things in order for pity's sake! The 'doctors' say it themselves, medication cannot cur ethe problems in your life, only cure your inability to cope.

Right. . . .

Their idea of a 'cure' to my coping is to make me a mindless nothing incapable of curing my life. If the probationer's can't ruin it for you, let the egg-heads do it right? The entire legal system is hell-bent on making sure no-one gets out. And I'll be damned if some 'doctor' traps me for the rest of my days jsut because I didn't go to prison.

The system is beyond repair. Scrap it, to hell with it, as soon as I get off probation I'm moving to Antarctica. . . . Let Anarchy reign, I can take care of, and control, myself dammit.

Hi,

I voted 'no'. You have to realise that your experience with psychologists is just one of many hundreds of millions of other experiences that people have had. You are entitled to feel negative, but there are better ones out there.

Kevin

ive had a round about life like that to.cept im a female and drugs and booze did have a factor. but tell them what they want to here. gets them off your back. leaves you alone. as well with the cutting i said i was bored to. and the dog.. cat story never works....

It's easy to get ruled insane for something stupid like hitchhiking on the interstate. I know a guy who got 6 months in a psych hospital for that. But if you have a serious charge it is not so easy to get ruled insane. You can get the insane but mentally ill which is even worse. Then after your prison time you have to do psych hospital time.

I'd love to talk you about what kind of stuff do to with coping with mental illness. Strategies, routines and ideas of course. Cheers. I hate daily psychiatry so I segregate myself from it then dive into it when I have to. Just me though.

I voted no by the way, but you're writing was compelling. I've done plenty of time and lost alot of opportunities due to my illness. It doesn't mean it's not over yet. There is lots of opportunity out there it's all how you look at it.