Why am I dreaming of the thing from my hallucinations?

Lately I've been having two weird dreams, so far, that is. They leave me rather confused and shaken.

The first is the lesser, and all it did was make my life feel empty/worthless (more so than usual)

One thing they have in common is it feels like I have had the dream before, the first one maybe a week or two ago, the second over a year ago. I don't know if I actually did, it feels like I forgot the dream the first time and it had no meaning whatsoever to me. Almost like two parts to a story, but I can't remember if that's how it happened, could even be seeing an alternative ending; much worse one the second time around. I don't know but it has some sort of deja vu (for lack of better words, this is not what it is).

First:

It was kind of weird... and i don't think its going to sound as bad as it felt... but it was like i knew the parent (or maybe it was his uncle, his parents were dead?) of this little boy in a dream and he told me a lot about him-- it was weird, i remember animals/pets having some effect.

anyway, in the dream the uncle dies i think - he was old - maybe great uncle or grand parent? i dont remember... anyway, the dream progresses as i take care of the kid... but something weird happens, i dont know if the kid died or if he merely asked of his past or WHAT... but i couldnt remember the things his former parent or whatever said of his past and it made me wake up feeling horribly depressed almost like the kid was written out of existence or something due solely to my failure to remember the kid.

I dont have a kid and dont know any; i dont know why it even bothered me.

Since I was 8 I have had illusions; where I look at something like a jacket and it turns (to me) into a robed evil figure, it's not a "monsters under the bed thing" - I'm 20 and still have it. It's very, very scary even though I know they are not real and have had it for over 12 years.

When I was 15 and lost my girl for after maybe 2 years I started hallucinating about a little girl - around 5 - who was a corpse - she wasn't like something that existed physically even though I saw her plain as day; she didn't have emotion; instead she was the manifestation of some emotion... like... pure hatred... worse than I dare say anyone's felt.

The dream... It... was weird... at first we bought land or something, and started building a house on it... at least that's what I first thought... but no, we LOOKED at land and considered building a house on it...

Then there was some 'picture perfect' house, or something... and it wasn't my family, my uncle was there... I think. It was like windswept green grass surrounded by forest, a mansion... except for some reason I know it was a mansion but maybe it wasn't in the picture, except it was... wtf Sad I don't get it, it was a mansion, but maybe small? Who knows.

Anyway, we bought it apparently, or something, I don't even know the details of my own dream. But it was... haunted, like in a movie.

We all have 'scary dreams', sure, but there was something more about this one, I have some weird feeling of being shaked.

Oh, the haunting part, it was the girl I see when I hallucinate. Now she's in my dreams too Sad Was she 'shaking' me ? I don't know, I seem to think the house was falling apart, or in, or something... I think maybe she was trying to kill me, but what was the feeling of something shaking me; I live on my own and no one can even get near me as I sleep (very secure building).

I don't know what to make of all this - I do NOT want that thing in my dreams too

I can't afford/obtain professional help.[/i]

Thanks A'ine.. that's very nice of you.

I'm on invalids benefit (more permanent version of sickness benefit)... but... this is New Zealand, so I assume things are a bit different over here.

I had free mental health care for maybe a year, but they didn't help much. They put me on fluoxetine hydrochloride (aka prozak / fluox) and for a few months to help me sleep they gave me quetiapine fumurate (aka seroquel... not sure what it's called there).

Like I said, didn't help much; they helped with my life situation meaning getting on a benefit, and some simple things like getting some form of control over my living situation. As for the medical side the prozak made it worse and seroquel isn't something I want to be on long-term (and probably don't need it now anyway), and they couldn't treat it.

And 'decent' health care would cost about $90/hour, and I don't even know if they'll put me back on the free one, I could talk to my GP but that costs $30-40 just to talk to him for 30 minutes.

If I wasn't so much worse off at that time when they diagnosed me I might have had trouble not laughing, I never believed I have dysthymia depressive disorder, although having the symptons of it is very realistic but it's something more; depressive disorders, I believe, take symptons from a variety of other mental illnesses making the actual diagnosis itself more difficult than it could be (correct me if I'm wrong) but I'm not sure about illusions/hallucinations to this degree coming from something like that.

I had trouble getting up and having a shower for a long time now, but most days I get out of bed, stumble into the shower (most days) and think about getting food. I don't suppose it helps at all that money is tight and it makes getting food harder, but I have some right now. Haven't quite gotten as far as going through and cleaning up (its not too bad right now), but when I wake up tomorrow I'll put some extra effort in.

Thanks so much. It's weird really, I thought if I was ever capable I might consider studying psychology myself, I suppose I do have a step up considering my own experience.