I Want My Life Back

I have BPD, Bipolar, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I'm turning 30 next month. I feel like I'm just a tired little girl, not the woman I should be.

I had a doctor who started me on Zoloft (iirc) when I was about thirteen years old. Then he experimented with meds for a few years. I was manipulative, trying to get him to wean me off, but he just kept prescribing more of this, this new drug that will definitely work, how about this too?

Medication hurt me at first. It made me angry, unpredictable, and frankly, a worse off than I was before.

Then I went off my meds and I was so happy... and I had severe mood swings, delusional thinking, all that good stuff, but I wasn't an angry zombie anymore! I could think clearly most of the time. I did things that made me happy. I dated. I traveled. I went to college-- art school.

College was tough but I was creative. I did my schoolwork happily. I had a relationship. I had friends.

Then I graduated. I went back on meds. I haven't really drawn much in years. I haven't drawn anything at all since the beginning of October. My mood swings are under control, my anxiety is bearable, but I'm depressed and tired all the time. I'm so unhappy. I watch Netflix, sleep, and go to work. That's it.

My parents are paying for my health insurance as long as I see my doctor and take my meds. I can't afford it without them. No wonder-- I just have a part-time retail job. My wife works full time but not for a lot of pay and she goes to school. I don't want to let them down, they've been there for me since I was born. I would have killed myself years ago without them. I tried once, but I think it was a side effect of the medicine I was on at the time.

I see my doctor in two and a half hours. I want my life back.

Thank you for reading.

Would your parents really cancel your health insurance if you quit taking the pills ?

I think its an empty threat.

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