I am Dam0cles and I Need Help

Greetings,


I found these boards on a google search, and thought it might be a good place for me to post, that I might find some help here.

I have some problems. But my biggest problem, it seems, is that as soon as I find someone I think I can trust and talk to (online or offline) they get 'creeped out', freaked out, or whatever, they for some reason decide that talking to me disturbs them, puts them in danger, or is just too hard and inconvenient. people stop answering my calls, stop coming by, stop responding to my emails or posts. This part is so disheartening. it makes me feel like some kind of horrible monster, or worthless, like i don't matter as much as a real person and don't deserve people's kindness.

I'm hoping that here, I can find someone to talk to about my problems that won't get scared (I never say anything that horrifying, which really confuses me, its not like i'm admitting to being a mass murderer or rapist or something) or find it inconvenient to read my long posts. I think that may be part of it, I like to write long messages with lots of big words, not that I think I'm smarter than anybody or anything like that. In fact, i've become pretty convinced I'm a raving idiot. I want to believe in myself, but its hard to.

Since I tend to scare people off with long posts, I'll try and cut this short. I have many 'issues', but the worst is i'm having a hard time finding psychiatric treatment here in st louis, missouri. I have no insurance, no money, can't work because I have mood swings and insomnia that exacerbates them and makes me pretty worthless at times in a working environment.

I've tried to get counseling, but all the places that will take you with low income around here only have "counselors", no psychiatrists or psychologists to give me a proper diagnosis of whatever the hell is wrong with me or proper medication. So, i'm stuck taking Zoloft prescribed by my family physician, and its not working, it was preventing the nighttime anxiety attacks that were contributing to the insomnia, but now they are back. I'm pretty sure i've been misdiagnosed with "depression" by said family physicians, and don't really even believe in modern psychiatric medicine anyways, which is why i'm posting this here.

In this society, if you want the proper help, you need to have insurance or a lot of money, because "the medical industry" is just that now, an industry, that is fueled by money and the need to make it rather than the desire to help people just because they need help. Unfortunately, if you are bad off enough to need that help then you are probably bad off enough that you can't make the money you need to GET the help, which is where I am now.

In short, I am in emotional pain all the time, feel worthless, like some kind of monster that's never going to fit in, feel hopeless, constantly struggling with insomnia, anxiety, depression, mood swings that lead to self-destructive behavior and verbal confrontations that inhibit me from working. I'm going stark raving mad not having any money, not being able to do the things I love doing. If anyone can offer me some kind words, some encouragement, maybe a suggestion on how to get some help, I'd greatly appreciate it. If i've posted this in the wrong section, I'm sorry. I just thought that because of my frustration with the modern psychiatric system it would fit here.

Dam0cles

Um.. I'm sorry I can't really help, but I just want you to know you are not worthless, and not a monster. I don't get their problem, I'm so sorry about that. But I agree with the medical industry thing. Psychiatrists and psychologists cost a hell of a lot of money, and we can't afford it here either. Sorry about this.

just by responding with kind words you've helped me.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having trouble affording help where you're at too. I hope that we're both able to get some help.

The way this is tearing me apart inside and crippling me is horrible.
The financial strain is really tearing me up lately, not having the money to go out and do the things I enjoy, being stuck living with my parents, whom I desperately want to get away from. I feel like I have nothing.

The constant rejection from friends and people is horrible. I have no faith in humanity anymore. I remember a time when I thought "people are basically good at heart if you give them a chance". Now I want to go back in time, grab myself by the shoulders and shake myself and yell "what the hell were you thinking??? People are inherently cruel, evil, and selfish!!! Arm yourself, defend yourself, and stop being so damned naive!!!"

thanks for listening to me rant. sorry if my pessimism is disturbing.

Dam0

I'll be your friend.

For all I know, you may be a mass murderer or worthless or whatever, but I relate to a lot of what you posted. I would say I was in very very similar circumstances a year or two ago -- no insurance, poor as hell, fed up with health care (I still don't believe in psychiatry), friends gone or going, going mad from poverty and fear of the future for all the above reasons.

I'm *still* living at home (which both sucks and has allowed me time to recover in some ways), but I've been working again, have a relationship with someone I met on online support forums, and am finally making some big moves to try for grad school (despite feeling too old).

Anyway, that's me. I understand a lot of what you are describing, and it sounds to me like one thing you need very much, regardless of what diagnosis may or may not fit you, is friends (ok that's not one thing). For me, when I discovered crazyboards.org, a few years back, it was so so valuable to talk to a lot of people there, make some friends and some acquaintances, hear others going through similar things, and explore finding my place among people. I'd had a lot of social problems growing up, and I learned useful things about me that pointed to personality disorder type stuff and shed a lot of perspective on my chronic depression and anxiety. I didn't learn enough though, because they recently banned me there for life. Hahaha. But that was for my anti-psychiatry views primarily.

Hopefully you can also make friends and explore issues on forums like these, and maybe hear about other resources. I know for me discovering the MDDA (manic depressive and depressive association), which is an in-person support group, was also really helpful. I'm lucky to have resources like that near me, but there might be similar offerings in MO?

I also tend to use too many words. Check out my manifesto post earlier today on this forum.

At any rate, you don't sound crazy. I'm serious, I'll be your friend. Chat if you like. I'm sympathetic. Have you done more in the way of introductions, telling a bit about yourself?

Dam0cles,

Just an Idea for you look through. There are a lot of places here and I would hope that one of them would be able to assist you in seeking treatment. It's worth taking a look.

http://www.mhagstl.org/links.htm

Just scroll down and see how many places might be of some use for ya.

Hello Kathie and Jemini!


thanks for the responses. I'll read your manifesto and try and give some feedback on it tomorrow, Jemini, I glanced over it, looks like you raised some good points. One point I'd like to throw out, are people like me who cry out for universal health care, expecting too much? Do we have the resources in this country to offer health care for everyone and treat them all equally? And if we switched over to something like that, would the insurance company employees riot in every city? We really do need universal health care, there has to be a way... I'll discuss these things more with you later, thanks for being my friend!

Kathi, thanks for the link! I'll also look through that tomorrow, see if I can find something that would help me. I've been feeling a lot better, but I still think I'm unfit to work yet.

Well, gonna get some shuteye, might actually have my sleeping patterns reset for once! yay! I hate sleeping til 4pm cause I couldnt fall asleep til 8am. Doctors like to say "just lay down, close your eyes, lie still, and soon you'll fall asleep. Is that how most people work? doesn't work for me. For one, I get fidgety feelings in my legs, especially if i've been working out or walking a lot. For two, racing intrusive thoughts, argh! Well, I've got some ideas might help out. I made it a point to eat about 5 small meals today, instead of one or two big ones., that might help me to get into a pattern, I was doing ok in a pattern last month, until my disability denial came in the mail, and then, even though I wanted to react constructively to it, it kinda did something to me, cause I was so looking forward to approval, even though in the back of my mind I knew they almost always turn you down in round one...

Well, off to dreamland. Talk to you all tomorrow.
Dam0cles