Treatment is Breaking Me

So I am currently trapped at in-patient program for about a week now.
Prior to being admitted I had overcome my depression on my own (multiply times) and had asked to be put on a waiting list in case another episode of depression came up. I was expecting to come sit in a psychiatrist's office once a week or so, and get a bit of extra support from somehow who's studied the brain more than I have.

Due to an embarrassing series of misunderstandings my parents believed me to be suicidal and I arrived home to be taken away by police officers. I was put in an interview room, then solitary confinement when I tried to 'steal' a pen. I just got so bored I had to draw something. I felt the pressure before, but solitary made me snap. I couldn't rationalize why I was being punished. I was hurting, and needed some understanding. I got none.
Finally, after I had given up the will to live about 15 times I was permitted to go into the group therapy rooms. It was good, I made friends and was able to share love, kindness and understanding with them. I knew that they would soon understand I was okay, and send me back home. I had faith in their system.
But how does a sane man prove his sanity? The very fact he must prove it indicates something must be wrong (with him)

Here, I'm not allowed to go outside (I can only use the courtyard before 10pm) and this hurts a lot because much of my self-therapy was going for long walks, either late at night or in the forest.
The lack of freedom hurts me. I wouldn't cut myself if they let me hold a knife but I sure feel helpless since they confiscated my belt.
Every day I spend here death looks more attractive.

All I can say is, this started out as a good thing. I thought this would be a great place for healing.
But I'm being broken down instead. Hope keeps moving further away.
And I feel like I'm losing my sanity.

pencilsNcigarettes wrote:Here, I'm not allowed to go outside (I can only use the courtyard before 10pm) and this hurts a lot because much of my self-therapy was going for long walks, either late at night or in the forest.
The lack of freedom hurts me. I wouldn't cut myself if they let me hold a knife but I sure feel helpless since they confiscated my belt.

I made a post I am quitting online anti psych for a wile cause the damn net was making me not go outside but I stopped into this site after outside all day away from this effing machine to take a look and read your post and WTF

No belt deal with it, if you are on the Internet posting in our anti psych forum from inpatient you don't have it that bad.

Come on dude "if they let me hold a knife" that's mental, that's not thinking right, deal with where you are at, looks like a male screen name, find a girl patient to pal around with inpatient and use the time and what they have for you to get your head straight.

If they get abusive, coercive pill forcing , threats, violate your human rights as opposed to civil rights hit us up.

You are not in a psych hellhole if you are posting here, In a psych hell hole your lucky to get at a phone to contact the outside world.

So I made this post after getting my laptop brought to me and I was feeling a lot more trapped. Socializing with the other patients helped a bit, but I am finally allowed to go for walks outside. I feel a lot less restricted, and listening to music and drawing has helped me chill the f out a lot more.
I've also accepted that I have in fact been in a manic state and I feel a lot more 'normal' now, although the lithium hasn't actually kicked in yet. Sorry for my fit. I felt like nobody was listening to me.

I've had a shift of perspective and although I still desire my full freedom I recognize this place is in no way a prison.

Playing by the rules and hope that gets me out sooner. That entails taking my meds and being honest, and not hurting myself.

Hey pencils,

Take that pen and draw like a maniac, hehe. It's good therapy and If you've got mp3's on the laptop, all the better. Let the lithium do its job and I wish you speedy recovery.

Thanks realityhere. Doing a lot of drawing now, and I feel mentally focused enough to write, too.
I also want to note that I meant wouldn't cut myself even if I had the choice. I think I phrased that poorly in my initial post. They took my belt because they were worried I would hurt myself, which I didn't want to do, so the lack of confidence they had in me hurt psychologically.

I hope you feel better, and I am happy to here you found something that works for you Personally for me anything that involves self expression helps; be it painting, writing, sculpting, anything that gives me a medium to express how I feel.

But how does a sane man prove his sanity? The very fact he must prove it indicates something must be wrong (with him)

that was never an option for me ;

but my attitude has been based on the Americans' with disabilities act .
being sick makes me a minority likely to be discriminated against and bullied .
being sick is not a crime .

I just can't say or do anything they can use .

I agree with the need to get out ; away from cyberspace .