Recently got on new meds, a fear of mine

So, it was my hope that my final psych med that I've been on for 11 year, seroquel, I would be able to get off of. I've been on it for far too long and am terrified since I do not sleep naturally anymore without it that in extreme laymen's terms, that part of my brain will be permanently broken...Ahhh, the ability to sleep....but within the last year I was having hardcore panic attacks after the end if a 10 year relationship. I had been suicidal and all I could think on for months and I mean months...actually more like over a year the crazy demise of that part of my life beyond other stressors.

So when it truly truly seemed like no honoring and "thank you" for what you've given me in life, a decent closure I went, well....it was obsessive. I broke and beyond the xanax (now that that's added to the equation seroquel alone won't put me to sleep) my psych added a pill for ptsd and the nightmares (couldn't even rest, didn't feel like sleep, all dreams if the ex) the ptsd med actually did take those away to a certain degree...but she also put me on Zoloft.

I've never been on soo many meds in my life, when my goal was to get completely off. I'm ashamed to say....but I caved, I couldn't take it anymore. Life ending wasn't even a painful thought just to release me of the obsessive, well, everything. No matter how hard things got between us I carried him in my heart with me even after half our relationship was long distance.
Very very harsh things were said. I broke. I loved him and carried him like a talisman in my heart of love itself.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is, I am feeling better, little by little on these meds. What freaks me out is if I build a life, based on these meds and I decide to come off, will that be a whole other life lived and although me, it won't really be me, being, my emotional pattern will possibly change radically. What's the point of that? But, I saw no other alternative in the moment as I couldn't even really move or function. I want to build a life and be successful. I'm currently in SSI but I have dreams of a stable yet fulfilling job where I can provide for me and my loved ones....

Are there any thoughts on this? Has anyone felt this way or been worried about that side effect of almost being a different person and building a life on that and once the drugs are taken away....?

***Double Post***

***Triple Post***

Hi! I merged your two other duplicate threads into one so you can get the best replies.

Yes, I understand. I don't have a solution, and I can't really take your fear away, but I understand.

I understand that you went back on meds. I did too. Several times. I tried to come off, but last november I went back on a small dose antipsychotic...not because of life circumstances, but because the withdrawal (extreme terror and guilt) was unbearable. Three days ago I added a natural antidepressant, because I was still severely depressed and obsessive and unable to function. I'm still doubting whether I'm going to really keep on using that or not. I want off of meds, but... well. I don't seem to succeed very well yet.

I understand your worries. When I am on meds, I don't feel like myself and I'm worried I do or decide things that are not me all the time. I'm also worried about never being able to quit anymore.

Funny thing is... I was thinking about others in my circle of friends/family that are on meds. I don't judge them at all. But for myself it feels like a major failure and the only thing I really want is to come off of them.

So... sorry...no help or solution. But I understand your worries because I had and have them as well. Maybe it helps to know that others have the same fear... don't know.