Halidol nightmare *triggers*

(I'm sorry that this is so long but I need to get everything out)I don't know where to start. How do you describe a nightmare? Because the last weeks have literally been a waking nightmare which I'm only now waking up from.
Ok I'll start at how I got to this point. I have an alcoholic mother who I have decided to label as having narcissistic personality disorder. For the first 14 years of my life, I listened to her scream at my father. I believe this gave me some kind of avoidant socially anxious personality.
Finding employment was impossible. I was fired from my first job for being too nervous and after that it just went downhill. I did get years of college, though no degree. I don't want to say I (was) a genius but i (was) smart. My mother convinced me to join a program called job corps for three years, I eventually left and lived with my father who is abusive and also an alcoholic. Finding a job with the years long gap was impossible. I'm willing to acknowledge at this point that I could have used an anti anxiety medication to deal with the stress of living with my mother.
This all leads to me being rejected for social security for social anxiety and living with my mother who is on social security for her ptsd and living in the bottom part of a house with only one room. I am a late sleeper and am woken up daily by my mother as I sleep on the couch. This along with daily screaming fits from her about getting food stamps. This all led to a fight 4 weeks ago after a week of no sleep. We were fighting about a lost shirt, I hit her on the back and said I wish she was dead as I was walking away. I know this was wrong, but I would NEVER seriously harm my mother and despite our differences I love her.
Let me preface this by saying that after years of isolation(and OCD), I developed a habit of speaking to myself out loud. My father, a probation officer for 25 years, also does this. He talks to the tv about politics, I babble away the same way he does when I watch the news.
I have never heard a voice or seen things that aren't there. I know talking to yourself is weird but I'm not schizophrenic.
Anyways, my mom called the cops (I had already left the house and was going to read somewhere for a couple hours)and I was taken to the hospital. I was very angry and I was insulting the nurses. I was also carrying on a dialogue about my situation in my room. "This is so stupid, I'm never talking to my mother ever again etc. etc."
The first night I stay calmly in my room reading a book from the lobby and yes, talking to myself to calm myself down.
The next day I have my first interaction with a woman named Dr *mod edit*. We discuss the fight with my mother and regrettably I curse at her as she's leaving the room. I continue reading the book from the lobby and the nightmare starts that night. A nurse comes in with a security guard and tells me I need to take a drug called halidol. I do not want to take this drug but I'm told I'll be injected with it if I refuse so I do. I take it and I can no longer read the book. I leave my room and tell them I can’t read and was very upset with the nurses about the drug I've been forced to take and I'm put into isolation(I believe this “antipsychotic” might have given me a psychotic reaction).
The next day I am exhausted and just take the drug. This goes on for a week. At no point do I ever tell Dr. *mod edit* that I hear voices or that I'm schizophrenic. She only talks to me for about 5 minutes in the morning. My mother visits me and tells Dr.*mod edit* that I am a zombie and cannot speak and my entire body is stiff. She drops me from 10 to 1 of the halidol. The night this happens I remember pacing back and forth across my room. This is a preview of the hell to come next week.
At some point(almost at the end of my 2 week stay) Dr.*mod edit* eventually tells me that she thinks I'm schizophrenic. i tell her I've never heard voices or seen things that aren't there. I have my hearing to be released(these people were actually telling my mother the week before that I would be moved to another mental hospital hours away and stay there for years) and she says I'm schizophrenic because "I believe there are people in the tv." I've never told her I believe this but I surmise that my mother has told her I talk to myself when I watch tv and she's drawn her own conclusions(or lies). She says she's keeping me for another week and in that week after speaking to her some more I lose my diagnosis of schizophrenia. I am now labelled psychotic. I'm told that I'm going to receive a long lasting halidol shot before I leave. I tell her that I do not want this. My mother agrees that I should not get this shot that has lobotomized me.
This angers Dr.*mod edit* and she puts in my file that my mother is mentally ill and trying to get me a diagnosis so I can get social security(which may be true). I have a meeting before I leave and I'm told to take the halidol when I "feel psychotic." At no point am I told of any side effects to come from not taking this drug every night(and I’m too lobotomized to realize that I ALREADY have side effects, pacing etc.) She also told me she thinks my mother might be schizophrenic and I might “develop” schizophrenia later on.
I come home and quickly realize that this drug halidol is impossible to live with in the real world. Every sound is too loud...and I am pacing. My mother takes me to a movie and I cannot stand to finish it. My legs also hurt....That night begins the first night of not sleeping. It is impossible! I pace from room to room all night.....The next day I go to the food stamp office with my mother...I get a haircut all on 0 sleep. I feel better than yesterday but obviously exhausted from NO sleep. I take the drug that Dr.*mod edit* has told me will help me sleep(trazadone). It makes me drowsy....but I do not sleep. Along with this I feel like I need to pace from room to room....I ask my mom for another sleeping pill and that's when the nightmare really starts. I now feel an UNSTOPPABLE need to pace back and forth along with a type of anxiety I've never felt in my entire life. I feel the unstoppable need to take showers….
My mom for once in her life is being very kind and helpful but there is no help for this. She takes me to the emergency room and the wait is too long so I end up taking a halidol and the pacing stops(except for once when I randomly wake up and walk back and forth). She calls the director of the hospital and he says the pacing is a symptom of my “underlying psychosis” and to bring me back to the hospital. I send an email to Dr.*mod edit* and she says it’s tardive dyskinesia but will go away(she doesn’t mention when though).
The next couple of days are kind of a blur now. After the emergency room I try taking half a halidol and I sleep The next day is like waking up from a haze. I realize now that my dopamine was finally being released a little bit. But the extreme anxiety is still there along with the pacing. The next night I try taking half but can’t sleep and my legs and eyes are twitching….So I take 1 ml. The next day is when I realize that this drug is doing something seriously wrong with my brain. My mom takes me to buy groceries and asks me to subtract the budget….and I realize that I cannot do basic elementary level subtraction. I can’t speak to my mom at the restaurant….My mom rents me a movie and watching it is like taking the Anatomy tests I got A’s and B’s in..I have the memory retaining skills of a goldfish and I am getting very scared and suicidal..Why the hell would I live like this? I start making plans to kill myself.. I can’t even listen to music, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. All of the interests that gave me pleasure seem to have been erased from my brain. One day I wake up and the extreme pacing is now happening even if i do take the halidol. I feel the unstoppable need to walk from room to room, I walk down the street over and over. My mom is almost trying to ignore this. She takes me to the library and in this psychotic halidol state I send an email to Dr.*mod edit* asking her for help. I take another halidol thinking the pacing will stop and it doesn’t. I scream at the top of my lungs because there is some kind of pressure in my brain. I call Dr.*mod edit* and she says I’m withdrawing and need to come to the hospital and she calls 911. The cops come and watch me move my legs back and forth uncontrollably but since I haven’t been violent or suicidal they don’t do anything. My mom then takes me to a vietnamese restaurant….and a doctor’s appointment for acne...and finally she takes me to a different psych hospital(she is mad at Dr.*mod edit* for saying she’s mentally ill and lying in my report that I tried to murder my mom instead of just hitting her). The nurse immediately tells me I am having a bad reaction to halidol and the doctor says that serequol will stop the pacing. The nurse also gives me a high dose of ativan which actually stops most of it before the serequol.
It does stop the pacing….and for the first day the drug actually feels kind of pleasant...I still feel brain damaged and I have lost any interest in anything I used to do...I watch fringe all day and it becomes easier to understand day by day and I start feeling a flicker of normal human emotions(smiling, laughing). I am also sleeping most of the day..And becoming extremely depressed. My mom takes me to a growers market in a hot sweater. I come home and my hands are numb and I feel faint and brain damaged. I lay down on the floor and say I’m fainting and my mom asks “where I read about that” and walks by me. My mom takes me to an animated children’s movie and I can’t follow it. I leave the theatre and imagine jumping in front of a train so I can end this nightmare…My mom then reads in the seroquel brochure that it says not to walk “more than a couple steps” on this drug…. I stay on serequol for a week and beg my mom to take me back to UNMh so I can get help getting off this drug which I believe is making me more depressed(being a dopamine lowering drug) and making the halidol damage even worse. The doctor there is incredulous and tried to convince me to take half in the day and half at night. Along with feeling like fainting I am very upset because my mom had been screaming at me in the car and saying that my estranged abusive father should be the one there, even forcing me to call him on the phone, and based on my distress she says I “look like I belong in her hospital.” I tell her that I would never hurt my mother and my mom agrees I should get off the drug so she says to just stop taking it. That night I take 2 trazadones and a lorazepam(which my mother has been handing me for 2 weeks every time I cry/show any emotion) and sleep for a couple hours. The next day there is a “window” where I feel the most human I’ve felt since the hospital. I weep when I hear an REM song at a sushi restaurant because I’ve been reading online from other people misdiagnosed who took the shot and couldn’t feel anything from listening to music…..Ironically I watch the movie Inside/Out and cry laugh and can follow the movie.
The next 5 days are the nightmarish anxiety withdrawals from Serequol I’ve heard about in a youtube video on the subject. Clinging to my mother at a movie like a 5 year old, waking up feeling like my brain is exploding and I’m going to die, walking into a post office and feeling like I’m in a war zone….
Day 6 and the anxiety has basically passed but I am now very depressed as I’ve been ever since the halidol. I don’t think I had ever experienced depression in it’s true clinical form before and it is excruciating. I am taking the trazadone and it doesn’t seem to help. Is this the drop(destruction?) of dopamine in my brain? That day I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at a place called *mod edit*. I tell her about my nightmare and tell her that I believe my depression/anxiety cognitive problems are a result of these drugs. Predictably, she tells me that there is no such thing as halidol brain damage and my dopamine/neurotransmitters would immediately go back to their original state the day after I stopped taking the drug...She says these drugs bring up “underlying symptoms” and I must have already had depression/anxiety/brain damage/leg spasms deep down. I ask her to explain this to me in a scientific non new agey(I didn’t actually say that but I felt it) way and she just kind of stared at me and smiled and repeated herself. My mom, all dressed up and ready for attentoin than starts her favorite story to tell to people, my middle school problems etc etc etc.ad nasuem. I make the mistake of asking her to bring up the 14 years of alcoholism(this leads to hour long screaming fits later on in the day) and I’m told to leave the room. When I come back I’m told that the good Dr. has recommended a new drug to “stabilize” me, Abilify. I ask her if it’s an antipsychotic and when she says yes I say no/never again. She also mentions that the drug causes “restlessness”(ie tardive dyskenesia) and at this point the halidol/seroquel lobotomy wears off a little bit and I raise my voice slightly and say I’d rather shoot myself than ever experience the pacing/insanity I got from antipsychotics. Someone comes in the room, I assume to help control the dangerous “psychotic” animal. This new woman(*mod edit*) who I talk to actually seems kind and empathetic to the fact that I’ve been hurt by these drugs….So I leave with no drugs….
For some reason this is the day that my mom has decided that I should stop taking the lorazapam because I’m too “docile” on them. After the fight about her alcoholism, she calms down and there is another “window.” I try reading my book wuthering heights(I have always loved books and found it fun and easy. Now there’s a “slowness”, an inability to concentrate, and sometimes blurry vision....and a general lack of interest/passion in doing it anymore) and get through almost 40 pages...I don’t feel anxious or depressed. The first bad sign is that I vomit my dinner when I’m swallowing the trazodone. I don’t sleep the entire night and I feel intense nerve pain in my legs which I believe must be related to the halidol/tardive dyskinesia and that the lorazepam must have been “fixing it”“somehow. The pain continues in the daytime. I tell my mom about it and she asks me if I’m sure I'm not “making up stories” and that it’s probably psychosomatic. She tells me about her pain problems…I take a couple lorazepam after I can’t endure it anymore.
That night is also when the “pressure” in my brain starts. It doesn’t feel like anxiety, it just feels like something is “off.” I notice that scary things are happening to my thinking, thoughts aren’t connecting the way they normally do. I’m thinking sometimes and then the thought just “erases” itself and I have no idea what it was. Sometimes phrases will pop into my head that weren’t logically put there by my thought process….I find this terrifying and try to tell my mom about it, she tells me about her chemo brain and that I’m being “hysterical.”
My mind feels blanker and blanker...and I am taking the trazodone to endure my mother’s blowups and panic attacks and out of fear of the leg pain “pressure”. I go to breakfast with my mom a couple times and she spends the entire meals telling me to talk, asking me why I’m not talking etc etc etc….. I tell her I think the halidol has affected my ability to think and speak. She says that can’t be true and I never talked before(she knows this isn’t true, though I was quiet/and “I’m doing it on purpose. One night after a daylong marathon of criticism we get in a “fight.” I can’t even really remember what the fight was about, mainly it was me asking her to stop criticizing me and to believe my symptoms and stop comparing them to her own different problems… I tell her I’d rather shoot myself than live like a dementia patient. She threatens to take me to a different hospital ans that this is the “psychosis” coming back.
I am now planning to kill myself in the near future. I do not want to live life lobotomized and in pain and all of this has been too much for me. I can no longer stand my mother’s “issues.” If I had a quiet apartment to just live in for a year maybe I could stand it...but housing/jobs are probably not in the cards for me. Neurologists don’t see people that have taken halidol and I doubt they could do anything anyways...The “help” I’ll get from a psychiatrist is another antipsychotic more gaslighting about my cognitive problems and maybe some kind of drug that kills nerve pain(who know what the fun symptoms of that would be) If someone has been misdiagnosed with “schizophrenia” and has been given this evil drug and can tell me how/when they “recovered” then I will consider holding on. Thank you

Ya psychiatry is a ######6 nightmare.

Try the MindFreedom Shield http://www.mindfreedom.org/campaign/shield/introduction-to-mindfreedom-shield

People who know their rights and are connected to stuff like this get treated much better.

I also was threatened with injection during the nightmare psychiatry calls "help", they don't include in the threat they need a court order to carry it out.



This warning goes for psychiatric incarceration too in a way.


They can't "diagnose" you with anything unless you talk to them. Psychiatry is a fraud. They have no medical tests.


Check out that link I posted and get connected.

This morning my mom gave me an envelope to write my sister's address for a letter I wrote to her and could not squeeze my hand normally to write...It seems like something scary happens every day....If anyone has any experience with halidol please respond.

Here is a girl who made a video about it.

Title: Haldol is evil, why do we tolerate forced drugging?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5SLnwgWlKQ

She talks about the after effects.

You're not alone. AND YOU NEED TO HANG ON! You live ONCE!

I was given Haldol when I went suicidal in the psych ward. I grabbed a pen from my social representatives desk and stabbed it into my neck-- because I was feeling so anxious that I couldn't handle it. I just wanted to kill myself. I ran out of her office and ran into the nurses office and grabbed a pair of scissors and tried again but at this point I had 3 nurses grabbing onto me. I don't remember the rest.

I remember waking up with over 30 nurses / guards / doctors around me. It was like out of a ######6 movie. They injected me with Haldol because I was going suicidal.

It was horrible. I had tardive dyskinesia as well and was pacing the hospital constantly for about a month as a side effect. They took me off the Haldol after 2 days when I went into a full blown Dystonia reaction. I had was on the floor almost unable to breath and my muscles were moving and I couldn't control it.

I remember speaking to a nurse who helped during my dystonic reaction and she quote and quote said "I honestly thought you were going to code" (Meaning she thought my heart was going to stop)

It was the most horrifying experience of my life.

I'm currently on Seroquel just like you, 75 mg, and I still feel pressure in my head, but it's much less everyday, as I'm currently tapering. I used to be on 400mg of Seroquel. Don't worry yourself to much, keep your chin up and you'll make it. You mother seems to not always have your best interest but I would try to be as kind as possible to her so you can get the most possible support from her. Your family situation is pretty messy and I'm sorry to hear. Watch out for yourself, keep reading and stay active.

You'll make it and keep us updated!

Thank you for all the responses. I am now trying to take only 1 Lorazepam at night when the pain in my legs/arms starts and to sleep. I feel more "alive" but also less able to zone out being with my mom and today I felt "edgy" for the first time in a while...But the anger feels better than being suicidal and "cloudy" from more drugs....
If you(Systemat1k) had tardive dyskensia for a month after 2 days then I don't know what it means for my pain since I believe it's related to the td. Maybe it will take a couple months to go away.....

I have ADHD so it was a combination of tardive dyskensia and my inability to sit still becoming severely magnified.

How long were you on the Haldol? Approximately a week?

2 weeks in the hospital and then a week of trying to stop and then taking it off an on to stop the pacing. Then Seroquel to stop the pacing. Now I'm off the Seroquel.

When I tried taking only one Lorazepam at night for 3 days I started experiencing the anhedonia with music. I tried listening to Kendrick Lamar and Tears for Fears and it was like listening to a dial tone. My mother went into a day long rage yesterday. She screamed at me in public. She screamed "I saw you laughing at the computer!!!!!!!!!" So now she is convinced that I am "faking" my usual lack of emotions/flatness and apparently is enraged by the fact that funny videos on the internet can make me smile for a couple seconds instead of her endless never ending repeating hours of criticisms/threats/crying screaming fits. I took a Lorazepam and suddenly I liked music again. My life is like a Phillip K.Dick novel now. I need a pill to feel emotions.
Every day is like waking up to a nightmare.
I have now read from googling anhedonia halidol that it can take 15 weeks to pass. I don't know where they came up with that number. It is hard to believe it.

I had that lingering anhedonia from Zyprexa. They handed that stuff out to like everyone back around 2006 - 07 and earlyer as the Criminals at Eli Lilly hid side effects and broke the law selling the stuff.

I really knew something was wrong with me when I went to the natural history museum when I was still taking that crap to goto sleep and anxiety. There was no sense of awe and wonder looking at the dinosaur bones or the meteorites like there was when I went to the place years before. I was like WTF is wrong with me. Anhedoinia is evil.

Long story short I got really withdrawal sick coming off that stuff panic attacks and insomnia from hell so I ended up on the Ativan and got Adderal cause I knew that stuff makes motivation and a feeling. So then came a few years addicted to those things again. Better than Zombie Zyprexa anhedonia hell but addiction pill dependence sucks too.


I guess maybe tell your mom to take the hostility and shove it and you have discovered the truth about psychiatry, that's what saved me.

I thought psychiatry was medical medicine and they knew WTF they were doing, I really did then I read a a few books that explained the history of psychiatry , what the drugs do and why they use them... Oh $#%^ no way really eff them no more of this.

I recovered, I was all effed up after several years of there "treatment" that kept landing me in the hospital to be effed up more.

The truth set me free I guess.