Worhtless Psychiatrist *tw*

So I was on my way to my appointment with the psychiatrist to pill myself silly when I decided to light up a joint on the way. I felt great, I really conveyed how I felt to this man, and touched on some things that interested me which ended in a question, to which he blubbered "probably..." not having paid any attention to the question at all. He's very cold and indifferent, doesn't remember me, asks me the same questions every time and always refers to his notes to see what to say. The sad thing is that he is the least of all bad amongst the psychiatrist my crappy health insurance can afford.

I explained that I feel dull and that since we cannot target negative emotions with medication, we suppress all emotions thus leaving the patient trying to function in a confused emotionless state. He pissed in my face with "well you just have to deal with it, it's part of life, it will pass, just remind yourself." to which I wanted to say ###$ off, but I replied "I KNOW it will pass, it will ALWAYS pass OVER AND OVER AGAIN, I'm just EXHAUSTED from living a "Groundhog Day" version of hell that is my life. He gave me a "yeah" under his breath with an inflection to the tone of "Yeah I hear ya buddy!"

I think about suicide everyday, all day, over and over, from the moment I wake up, to the second I fall asleep and there is no amount of prescription medication or street drugs that make it enjoyable. Even though I'm a bit of a nihilist myself, I still ENVY people who want to live, at least they can enjoy life UNTIL they die. I'm tired of hearing myself telling myself to kill myself so I don't have to deal with the depressed broken side of myself. I want to leave just so I won't waste every minute of every day trying to decide if i should leave or not. I have family, nephews, friends and other people that will definitely be affected by my chosen action, but guilt should never be a reason to force yourself to live. After a decade of ideation, I'm slowly going past the fantasy of committing suicide in my head over and over again for relief because I don't like the wreck that has become of me and my life. I don't want to be me anymore.

I've dropped hints over the YEARS with a two week stay at a mental hospital and it has all fallen on deaf ears. I'm too weak to EVER fend for myself.

So in conclusion, my psychiatrist sucks ass.

Sorry to hear that your psych was not helpful to you about all that is going on. I hope things improve with him and that he listens to you. In terms of the joint please be careful as a lot of ppl with BP find weed makes things worse for them.

It is horrible to be thinking of suicide so much - I hope that this improves for you soon too

Hugs

Cracked

Hi I!Polar. Glad to see you around.

I think all psychiatrists are worthless, but yours may take the cake. Spend 1-2 hours in a waiting room for only 10-15 minutes in the sun with someone who doesn't care and only chose the profession for money and not liking the sight of blood. I just go over drug side-effects and interactions as that's all they really want to hear.

I've recently realized that it's been a decade of ideation/tendencies for myself as well. I think the guilt is only one part of why we should hang around. The other being the possibility that in the future we may just find ourselves past this valley and actually get to experience real happiness. While in the valley we don't see that possibility, but it is there.

Hey, iPolar. I understand what you're going through with this psychiatrist as I'm experiencing a situation very similar, if not the same in a slightly different way. It honestly sounds like we have the same psychiatrist. I've looked for another one, all I find that helps is to replace them every so often like a CD. I have a great psychologist, and I haven't seen her in a long time and I'd much rather deal with her than the pill prescriber.

I've felt the same way about death for a long time, it's something that crosses our minds I think a lot. He honestly sounds like an ass, and I don't really honestly have any good advice but that I agree.

CrackedGirl wrote:Sorry to hear that your psych was not helpful to you about all that is going on. I hope things improve with him and that he listens to you. In terms of the joint please be careful as a lot of ppl with BP find weed makes things worse for them.

It is horrible to be thinking of suicide so much - I hope that this improves for you soon too

Hugs

Cracked

Hi Cracked, Thanks for replying...

I smoke just to get away from being dull, and yes, sometimes it does it make it a little worse, but I need a release from the boredom now and then. What has become of my life was something I used to think happened to other people when I was younger, I never imagined that I would be where I am, as broken as I am.

Life is not supposed to be about 'waiting until it passes' over and over again. Mental illness uses your brain like a computer virus made to constantly process corrupt back-end services to eat up cpu processing power. This will sooner than later exhaust the life of the conductor that caves under an overload of requests. The computer crashes. Then comes the psychological pain from physically overcooking your brain. Thoughts, perceptions, judgment, the ENTIRE perception of, and response to life becomes twisted to the point of no return. So I have been reduced to daydreaming about being the only guy in a theater where clips of me deciding to end it all is being played over and over with some skipped frames here and there.

The thing is, I have a lot to be logically grateful for, but the appreciation that is supposed to lead to peace and comfort doesn't get expressed because there is no emotion attached to the action. Everything becomes a performance, an act, a task, a chore, a waste of time and life. There is no room to be you anymore, if you even remembered how and what you were.

=)

Exiled. wrote:Hi I!Polar. Glad to see you around.

Hi Exiled, thanks for replying.

I think all psychiatrists are worthless, but yours may take the cake. Spend 1-2 hours in a waiting room for only 10-15 minutes in the sun with someone who doesn't care and only chose the profession for money and not liking the sight of blood. I just go over drug side-effects and interactions as that's all they really want to hear.

I've recently realized that it's been a decade of ideation/tendencies for myself as well. I think the guilt is only one part of why we should hang around. The other being the possibility that in the future we may just find ourselves past this valley and actually get to experience real happiness. While in the valley we don't see that possibility, but it is there.

Psychiatrists are weird and sketchy people. I truly think that 95% of them are nuts and they are in it to pop pills or to try and understand what ails them. A lot of them kill themselves, a lot are arrogant as ###$ under the guise of being cold and indifferent. Psychologists are paid to be the people that never listened to you.

Honestly I'm past the whole hope thing. I remember what hope felt like, I also know that I haven't felt that way since I was a kid. For the past 10 years, I have gone from 'hope to nope' over and over again until gradually until now just realizing that I've just been trapped in a loop and I should have killed myself long ago because it has only gotten worse since the millions of times I told myself it would get better. Possibility is there, it is always there, and will always be there, but to have your own mind pick a scab open over and over that is trying to heal will cause you to spiritually bleed out.

It's not a logical problem, it's an existence problem. I have cried so many times thinking about the sadness and grief I will bring my nephews because we hang out so much, but feeling guilty about it over and over again just makes it worse. It's just something that has to happen. I COMPLETELY understand why people go through killing themselves. It is a core-end problem, the very personal part of you, and what that part thinks about you personally. Basically, what you see yourself as. The vision of you. The part that only YOU have access to. The part where if there is nobody else but you, what is there? What do you see? What do you feel? Whatever they find, makes them not want to deal with it anymore. Most of the time it's mental illness already lurking waiting for a tragedy or a disaster to strike, because that person was, unbeknownst to ANYONE else, already under a MASSIVE INTERNAL LOAD that whatever the final straw was, it was enough to collapse the very WILL of that person to live.

i!Poler wrote:Psychiatrists are weird and sketchy people. I truly think that 95% of them are nuts and they are in it to pop pills or to try and understand what ails them. A lot of them kill themselves, a lot are arrogant as ###$ under the guise of being cold and indifferent. Psychologists are paid to be the people that never listened to you.

That too... I said something similar elsewhere... and that isn't even getting into the kickbacks they get for prescribing the meds that are a crap shoot whether or not they work...

i!Poler wrote:Honestly I'm past the whole hope thing. I remember what hope felt like, I also know that I haven't felt that way since I was a kid. For the past 10 years, I have gone from 'hope to nope' over and over again until gradually until now just realizing that I've just been trapped in a loop and I should have killed myself long ago because it has only gotten worse since the millions of times I told myself it would get better. Possibility is there, it is always there, and will always be there, but to have your own mind pick a scab open over and over that is trying to heal will cause you to spiritually bleed out.

I've been here cursing hope before. Just another mirage I'm chasing. I was daydreaming earlier how my next suicide note will simply read that I should have done this years ago. I relate to what you're saying. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it. There are certain things that if happen will lead to another attempt. That's just the way it is. Until those things happen, though, I will try to find a way to live with myself. I will try to push those trigger areas further out.

Have you ever seen the movie "Lawnmower Man"? I may be dating myself... The gist of the movie was essentially through VR the antagonist uploaded his consciousness into a computer. The plot really doesn't matter... The point of bringing up the movie is to say that I relate to the scene toward the end where the protagonists uploaded some kind of computer virus that was suppose to delete him or something to that effect. The scene showed the antagonist desperately trying to escape his demise by trying every backdoor out of the computer. That's me. I feel my inevitable demise through suicide. I know it's coming. It's only a matter of time. But until it comes, I have to try every possible way to escape this hell.

Exiled. wrote:

i!Poler wrote:Psychiatrists are weird and sketchy people. I truly think that 95% of them are nuts and they are in it to pop pills or to try and understand what ails them. A lot of them kill themselves, a lot are arrogant as ###$ under the guise of being cold and indifferent. Psychologists are paid to be the people that never listened to you.

That too... I said something similar elsewhere... and that isn't even getting into the kickbacks they get for prescribing the meds that are a crap shoot whether or not they work...

i!Poler wrote:Honestly I'm past the whole hope thing. I remember what hope felt like, I also know that I haven't felt that way since I was a kid. For the past 10 years, I have gone from 'hope to nope' over and over again until gradually until now just realizing that I've just been trapped in a loop and I should have killed myself long ago because it has only gotten worse since the millions of times I told myself it would get better. Possibility is there, it is always there, and will always be there, but to have your own mind pick a scab open over and over that is trying to heal will cause you to spiritually bleed out.

I've been here cursing hope before. Just another mirage I'm chasing. I was daydreaming earlier how my next suicide note will simply read that I should have done this years ago. I relate to what you're saying. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it. There are certain things that if happen will lead to another attempt. That's just the way it is. Until those things happen, though, I will try to find a way to live with myself. I will try to push those trigger areas further out.

Have you ever seen the movie "Lawnmower Man"? I may be dating myself... The gist of the movie was essentially through VR the antagonist uploaded his consciousness into a computer. The plot really doesn't matter... The point of bringing up the movie is to say that I relate to the scene toward the end where the protagonists uploaded some kind of computer virus that was suppose to delete him or something to that effect. The scene showed the antagonist desperately trying to escape his demise by trying every backdoor out of the computer. That's me. I feel my inevitable demise through suicide. I know it's coming. It's only a matter of time. But until it comes, I have to try every possible way to escape this hell.

I haven't seen the movie but will try and check it out soon. Thank you for the very genuine response and connecting on a human level. I feel that you have really understood what I am trying to say because you have stood under the weight of what it feels like.

i!Poler wrote:I haven't seen the movie but will try and check it out soon. Thank you for the very genuine response and connecting on a human level. I feel that you have really understood what I am trying to say because you have stood under the weight of what it feels like.

Glad you appreciated it. If you can suspend disbelief with what they're saying that VR can do and can get past the dated CGI, it isn't a bad movie.

Now for some more venting...

Exiled. wrote:That too... I said something similar elsewhere... and that isn't even getting into the kickbacks they get for prescribing the meds that are a crap shoot whether or not they work...

The Illegal kickbacks that are only punished through fining the drug companies that offer them which then only gets passed on to the consumer.

We're paying for your criminal actions.

[mod edit]

Exiled. wrote:

i!Poler wrote:I haven't seen the movie but will try and check it out soon. Thank you for the very genuine response and connecting on a human level. I feel that you have really understood what I am trying to say because you have stood under the weight of what it feels like.

Glad you appreciated it. If you can suspend disbelief with what they're saying that VR can do and can get past the dated CGI, it isn't a bad movie.

Now for some more venting...

Exiled. wrote:That too... I said something similar elsewhere... and that isn't even getting into the kickbacks they get for prescribing the meds that are a crap shoot whether or not they work...

The Illegal kickbacks that are only punished through fining the drug companies that offer them which then only gets passed on to the consumer.

We're paying for your criminal actions.
[mod edit]

###$ yeah! Love that macro!

On more than one occasion I have been waiting in the waiting room for my appointment and have seen reps from RX companies come in fully dressed expensive with matching leather briefcase dropping off samples and envelopes with a HUGE smile kissing hardcore ass to make an impression.

There was one specific psychiatrist in my city that was busted for taking a $70,000.00 check for agreeing to permanently prescribe the check makers drug-of-choice. I'll see if I can dig up the article somewhere.