
i!Poler wrote:So I was on my way to my appointment with the psychiatrist to pill myself silly when I decided to light up a joint on the way. I felt great, I really conveyed how I felt to this man, and touched on some things that interested me which ended in a question, to which he blubbered "probably..." not having paid any attention to the question at all. He's very cold and indifferent, doesn't remember me, asks me the same questions every time and always refers to his notes to see what to say. The sad thing is that he is the least of all bad amongst the psychiatrist my crappy health insurance can afford.
I explained that I feel dull and that since we cannot target negative emotions with medication, we suppress all emotions thus leaving the patient trying to function in a confused emotionless state. He pissed in my face with "well you just have to deal with it, it's part of life, it will pass, just remind yourself." to which I wanted to say ###$ off, but I replied "I KNOW it will pass, it will ALWAYS pass OVER AND OVER AGAIN, I'm just EXHAUSTED from living a "Groundhog Day" version of hell that is my life. He gave me a "yeah" under his breath with an inflection to the tone of "Yeah I hear ya buddy!"
I think about suicide everyday, all day, over and over, from the moment I wake up, to the second I fall asleep and there is no amount of prescription medication or street drugs that make it enjoyable. Even though I'm a bit of a nihilist myself, I still ENVY people who want to live, at least they can enjoy life UNTIL they die. I'm tired of hearing myself telling myself to kill myself so I don't have to deal with the depressed broken side of myself. I want to leave just so I won't waste every minute of every day trying to decide if i should leave or not. I have family, nephews, friends and other people that will definitely be affected by my chosen action, but guilt should never be a reason to force yourself to live. After a decade of ideation, I'm slowly going past the fantasy of committing suicide in my head over and over again for relief because I don't like the wreck that has become of me and my life. I don't want to be me anymore.
I've dropped hints over the YEARS with a two week stay at a mental hospital and it has all fallen on deaf ears. I'm too weak to EVER fend for myself.
So in conclusion, my psychiatrist sucks ass.
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