Please Help Me Help You

I am in an interesting situation. I am a survivor of lifelong child abuse. Much like psychiatrists attempt to do, my family tried to condition me to be normal and compliant, using every method they could think of to break me. In addition to physical and sexual abuse, they constantly threatened to drug me and have me committed, but I guess they were afraid to take me to an actual psychiatrist because then I'd reveal their illegal abuses. They may have drugged me experimentally…that would explain a lot…but I don't know because many of my memories are repressed and fragmented. Although all I have is an Asperger's diagnosis from when I was six years old, which I find ridiculous because I'm a great manipulator, am overflowing with empathy, and love to socialize, the closest "disorder" that matches my symptoms is Complex PTSD, which can be described in simple terms as a dissociative version of PTSD caused by with long term victimization.

My trigger (the thing that makes me have panic attacks) is psychiatry. I can't watch movies like Shutter Island or A Beautiful Mind without ending up shaking and crying in the fetal position, after which I have worse nightmares than usual and am quiet and anxious for a day afterwards. I am trying to face my fears because my mission in life is to stop psychiatry, and all systems that defile the one thing I hold sacred; the human mind. To end it, I must to discuss it, research it, and address it. I'm crying right now, and I am ashamed of myself for being able to handle so little when you have been through so much.

When I was 15, my innocent alter could not take the abuse anymore. She stood at the edge of a building ready to jump, to die as herself, unchanged, to go where they could not reach her. That is the moment I, the survivor, came into being and silently replaced her. I believe that they can try to control the mind but we will prevail. They can make us hurt and disable us but they can't break our will because it is transcendent and lives on outside the physical. I vowed to avenge her, to devote my life to fighting injustice, instead of ending it right there.

This world is hell. I honestly would rather be dead than live with the memories I have and the knowledge of what continues to go on, but I will never consider suicide, because there are those who don't even have that ability left, and I am strong enough to go on for the sake of those weaker than me. I suppose I should consider myself lucky. I deeply respect those who have suffered, and survivors like you are my elders. I admire you so much for being able to go through unspeakable horrors and not break. Due to your diagnoses, the entire country is literally conspiring to keep you "under control." I at least can still use the law as an ally, and not be stigmatized by the entire society.

I ran away as soon as I turned 18, my defiance intact. I have no formal education. I struggle with panic attacks, nightmares, trouble focusing, and all kinds of post-traumatic effects, but I manage to put on a straight face and hide it all. There is nothing on my record but an old, tentative, Asperger's diagnosis, which I am in the process of erasing evidence of. I am a tech developer now, and I have an idea that will put me ahead of the leading tech corporations if I can just get the grant to build the prototypes. I will be a billionaire, but I will live on minimum wage until every last one of us, those who dare think differently, are liberated and avenged.

I will start out by finding a place in another country where there are no laws that allow psychiatry and helping people immigrate there. I will also fund lawsuits against psychiatry, and maybe even resort to more...guerrilla...methods to free those who are beyond the help of the legal system. I eventually want to buy a big piece of land with my riches and found a new nation altogether--libertarian, respecting everybody' s right to consent and individual freedom above all else. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I believe in destiny above the tyranny of "science." I am also interested in ending authoritarian brainwashing situations such as North Korea, and preventing global government/New World Order. Military strategy is one of my main areas of interest. Coming from an international (albeit evil) family has taught me that there is always somewhere to escape to, as long as laws are different depending on where you go. A one-world government would close many doors.

I am overwhelmed by love and empathy for those who have suffered as I have. I would do anything for you. I would do anything to put a happy ending on our tragedy. I want to know what you want done. I'm not rich yet, but when I am...ask and you shall receive.

Is there anything that would help you recover from the trauma? I don't want to instate some kind of "new psychiatry," but counseling from someone who knows what it's like, someone who has come to terms with their own trauma and is ready to help others with no judgement, threats, or drugs, could possibly be helpful. I want to plant joy and innocence on barren ground and help it grow. I want to do the impossible. Make up for this cruel world somehow, though I know there is no such thing as closure.

pavlen wrote:Is there anything that would help you recover from the trauma?

Here is something I found.

"Survivors of sexual assault who publicly speak out create change in the silence that surrounds this crime. Your act of speaking out can end the false sense of shame that survivors often carry. Seeing you cast off the shame may inspire them to do the same. In speaking out about partner rape, I have received many warm and heartfelt correspondences from people who felt very isolated but who now know that they’re not alone, that they can seek help, and that they can heal. Seeing people’s lives changing in this way is one of the greatest fruits my efforts can bear, and I am intensely glad to have used my voice to help facilitate it...."

See http://www.pandys.org/articles/speakingout.html

As a victim of psychiatric assault I do the same thing, I speak out !

Check out MindFreedom International www.mindfreedom.org and The Icarus Project www.theicarusproject.net, if you haven't. A lot of people who are part of them have suffered from psychiatry, but they're also about creating alternative models of healing.