How We Make Ourselves Happy

Continuing this 88 year old manic male's reply of 7/28 at 11:25pm.

Or not. I thought of several more things for the list of topics or ideas to write about in my previous post: "roles, identities, selves, persons, me's, I's, etc." How many roles, selves do you play in a day, reader? Are you a different I or me in each of them?

Western thinking, strongly influenced by the Christian idea of a soul going to heaven has made most Westerners believe in some kind of single self or soul.

My version of Buddhism, and my experience, tells me I run through thousands of selves, me's, I's in a single day.

I is a very convenient, useful word---a way of referring to my particular body/mind at a particular moment.

I can recall, probably not too accurately, many long gone roles I have played: roles, selves, me's or I's that no longer exist. Yet I say things like, I adopted a laid back, relaxed, easy-going role in my early adolescence and stuck with it much of my life. Part of that role still exists, in a very different version.

A very difficult question just arose: What was I really ? There were times that I believed I really was that relaxed, laid back, easy going person. I got feedback that I was.

I knew that was not me. I was a very tense, shy, withdrawn person not at ease with other people, especially girls. I'm sure many knew I was shy, withdrawn, ill at ease. Where in the above is a real me, a single I?

Many believe they have a single permanent continuing self that might end up in heaven, or hell. I hope you might write about that in this topic. Is it a belief that keeps you happy?

Many people are frightened by death. For many it is a a no-no subject even in informal, casual conversations.

I am not frightened. I know I will die. When my heart and brain waves stop, very soon my consciousness, my awareness, my self, my "I" will end. No more me. Dead is dead seems highly probable, realistic.

A very important part of the ways I keep myself happy is played by non-Western, Asian ideas. Tibetan Buddhists, some of them, believe a person's spirit hangs around the body a number of days after brain waves and heart beat stops.

I've talked with people who have been clinically dead and come back to life. They have described their experiences while clinically dead.

I have never talked with anyone who had gone to heaven. That they might come back and talk to or with the living seems totally improbable to me. Yet many claim to have talked with the dead.

Confusing? No, I feel perfectly clear. At the same time I'm very curious to find out whether my ideas are right or wrong. Will I even be there to find out? 485 words.

Continuing this 88 year old manic male's reply of

Had some thoughts of what to write lying in bed counting 150 breaths. Went to inging, one of my practices which keeps me here and now, tuned to my senses, aware of what I am doing, aware of the situation around me better than the other 2.

I'm replying here daily at 6PM to standardize the daily count of views.

One more thought---forgotten. Oh yes--5 breaths to get it back. I have started doing replies to individuals. I have done three in bipolar and two in clinical depression here in Mood Forum.

Wondering, arguing with myself. How many should I do? How many patients will reply? Have only been doing it today and yesterday. Too early to judge. Should I continue writing replies for my daily topic as I'm doing right now? Continue one a day?

Which do I enjoy most---inging and all the good stuff that goes along with it which I described in the first paragraph? Or, writing like now with slight hope of entertaining or being of help to some reader?

No question, no doubt---I stopped, reached slowly for my cup of orange juice, took a sip,\ enjoyed the sensation, the taste, put it down, carefully, without spilling. All that awareness, is far more enjoyable than what I just wrote about it. Let me stop, consider, and "ing."

Hundreds of "ings" later. Much enjoyment moment after moment. More thinking than I wanted about what further to write. Tasted every bit of my bran flakes with milk and raisins, and every sip of the coffee I drank with it. But,

Different ages. Me at different ages. What kind of practice, state of mind, way of going at living might be best for different ages?

I first read a book on Zen in the late 1950's. Found it intriguing, not much else available back then.

1957. Took 5 breaths to recall---I got my Ph. D. in clinical psych from Columbia U. I took most of my courses at Teachers College Columbia. The yawning gap of 120th street. I wonder if it's still as wide. Then it was close to psychology at Columbia and clinical psych at TC and never the twain shall meet.

The book, I still have it, I bought it at ??? Many, many breaths later, I feel sure I bought it at TC bookstore because I can picture, see myself reading it at 20 Hawthorne St. Moved there in '51. Moved to ?? about 3 or 4 years later. Had to be before '55 I bought my first book on Zen.

Bored stiff reader? Do you do anything like the above paragraphs? I didn't have to years back. That whole process might not even have existed 30 years ago. Or would have taken only an instant, not many, many, many breaths, none counted, total focus on remembering. (481 words)

Damn. Forgot! Just posted today's reply, which I had planned to do at 6 every day. The reply was a demonstration, as the "Forgot!" above is of the brain deterioration that comes with old age. And no date on the post.

I have written and posted 2 replies to individuals so far this morning. I have made replies to individuals a first priority. Doing this a second. Perhaps a third. Yes, a third. Second priority is inging, or counting breaths or just staying aware of them. And staying in the lone Indian Hunter state of mind. Describe that? 1, 2, 3,'

Wrote an initial reply to another individual just now. The 2 I mentioned above were replies to replies. I have decided this is my last reply to the world in general??

It's a couple days later. May or may not be my last reply to the world in general in this topic.

Woke from a dream feeling obnoxiously happy, and a firm/unfirm decision that I will continue writing for this topic. I will detail, since it's the details that are important, how I continue making myself happy day after day after day. But first, the dream, then how I was obnoxious with nobody noticing or evaluating it as such except me.

The dream was of a chess game with my old friend, Armen Chakerian. He died several years back in the ideal way to do it. He was out on his several acre property, backed against forest service land so no one could move in on him. He and I were neighbors for several years. (A pause for remembering, a sip of ice tea with margarita mix---delicious!---my first 2 cups were coffee, made by Potter, Siri's husband, but stop, just enjoy, the donut, the tea, and try to get memories of being neighbors with Armen straight in my head).

Donut 3/4ths gone, tea even more so, and I'm feeling pleased. I've located when Armen moved to Placitas close to exactly. It was before I retired in 1980, but more than 6 years after my divorce from Ann, my first wife. Tom Ahern, my lawyer had recommended I accept a 6 year no-no provision forbidding my living in Placitas in the the divorce agreement he gave me to sign. That was late July, 1972.

He told me if I didn't he would have to go back into court.and what he told me was the best agreement for a man he had ever gotten might all get changed. I signed, bought an acre next door to the 6 acres I got in the divorce settlement, and built a duplex---2 one room adobe apartments on it and rented one to Marian Wolfe, and let Toni, my second wife, but at the time my mistress live in the other rent free.

463 words. I'll continue from here in my next reply. Reads OK, will review it a time or 2 more, then post it near 6PM. Sipping, tasting, stopping typing......