I'm still a free man-Razael's Thread

Just wanted to share what I wrote on another thread about whether antipscyhiatry saved anyone and had a bit to say about some newer antipsychiatry veiwpeoints about overcoming the peesophilic guilt and transcendence in the end of my university, felt like I was begginging to condense this intos something workable to explain some of my history with pscyhaosis and the transformations of entire being to be closer to god...maybe my way of getting a fair deal if I can actually manage to articulated it the right way, was thinking of writing to the member of VCAT about it actually maybe I do that just breifly..

sorry this is long I elaborated on my position with psychiatry a lot but what I watned to say is; I'm the total oposite it gets me in trouble, the more I learnt and had veiw point that is antipsychotary the more they clamped down on me and made my veiws into that of an illness, any time I tried to talk some sense into the psychiatrist it just came accross thought disordered to them coz it doesn't make any sense to them, they make opposed veiws into illnesss, once already got the label everything fits into the label when I start talking to them about my veiws. so I learning the way to play the game enough to be put on orals is the only way I see of getting out of it, no antipsychiatry veiws are gonna save my arse and they definately see an antipsychiatry agitation to the system when being processed as a reason to give you drugs to relieve psychotic agitation , thats all they see just someone with a label nothing can say or feel about the situation and how unfair it is can resolve it...so nothing gonna save me although what I come up with recently in regard to being set up as sa schizophrenic having guilt over what I did to my cousin in early teens resulting in battle of wits and transcendence to obtaining purity and over sins of the past like a new beginning, only ###$ by being set up as a schiz and my autee robbed me of a bank account I wrote out of thin air, I got it from university guy I met one day who wrote me a check...so what I really saying is the antipsychotic ###$ with my healing and self assured lifestyle beyond my teenage crimes I suffered over...but surely if I can articulate this well to a pscyhiatrist they will just ignore every last detail and just think its work of a schizophrenic brain to say that psychiatry got in the way of karmic purity sessions, I can't explain it bvvery well ...maybe I need proof, they sure as hell don't believe me about beings set up as a schizophrenic they say the opinion of the quacks I met along the way says this, but none addressed my original psychosis and I got left for dead in wake of transformations to obtain purity and devinity to be closer with god. instead part of me was still dealing with it in all the wrong places, antipsychotics set me up for this to never really deal with what it means and who am I kind of thing, antipsychotics let in all the bad $#%^ and let you get away with leading an impure life when all the signs are this $#%^ is really bad for you and something needs to change and I get transcendent over it and it leads to imporved lifetyle....I leave all that $#%^ behind me if I got off antipsychotic, they are holding me bac k from my destiny to reaffirm my place in the world and to take action on motivationally rich time of opportunity by being my natural self off antipsychotics, maybe I can't get any more antipsychiatry then this if I condendse this idea into something workable to explain to the psychiatrist and address my key issues with life, how am I gonna transform when on antipsychotic, transform into what, I have no guidance in antipscy hotic haze no intuition and god given spark to know widsom and intelligence of the stars, bright minded and they say this is an illness to have a bright mind, and full of energy that gets turned into a situation with being antipscyhiatry in that environment in hospital, we really dneed to learn soemthing about it to save anyone else who is strongly opposed to the environments clinical environment from saving them from themselves in arcking up getting security and being seen as a compliance risks and b eing forceed with injections and CTO's, maybe playing the game no matter how much that really annoyed me is necessary, I sure had a long hospital stay for refusing and I was rude to everyfone and had real attitude and they not gonna release me in a hurry for that attitude alone they sore as something to treat its just antipsychiatry in its prime when you feel it like a passion in the situation with forced drugging and dealing with stupidity......perhaps my 8 week hospital stay not so good for me and elemets of what I discovered off the treatments and reason for bringging me back for treatmnet was in ffull perspective and on the road of discovery but after treatment I was hanging onto them and they becoming bad or not dealing with them correctly and relying on a celbrity to open me up but it turned sour and I automatically try to get rid of her though now I miss having her around she doesn't like me anymore so now I getting myself in perspective and way out to be who I am really and maybea bit more attractive, I am nothing on this treatment and not worthy of her attention, hard to explain what I orignially meant but hanging onto to those eliments workes against my favour at convincing people that I just not right, something whacko going on, I thought this song was about me and I kept going at it and spoiling her image for the people I told about it, so wrong to ever bring it out in public, I was dumb and perhaps just hanging onto the situation by talking about it lots is really bad habit to get into, when your whole life revolves around this celbrity is not good, she only thing keeping it real while I was at hospital and kkept my dreams alive, same situattion for the extyradimentional beings I kept on about that coz I didn't want to loose it, the clebrity thing ultimately what made me come undone on here for opening up about private $#%^ she onto about my crimes, so they couldn't kill my fascinations and precoccupation with inner life of magic that makes me schizoptyapl not schizophrenic for I am fine and they couldn't kill it.

I learntt to play dumb and jjust accept it, its the only way out and put drugs under my tongue but sometimes when we talking going onto clozapine i took some to see how I would react to it, only half but still got bad reaction so glad to put my body through that..Ithen put the haloperidole under my tongue for a while untlil they start giving me oral liquid $#%^ tastes nasty and then just preteend like I normally did tonguing it that all is ggood, then start getting addicted to medication time and playing good to get all the good vib3es from nurses doing their job, they are only decent human beings when you are medicattion compliant they like it it makes their day easy and smooth, reactive bunch of halfwits really and definatley go on tangents and get confusing and realy overbearing when medication resistant before they start calling security but having a debate, they get really ###$ in the head and start talking in circles then accuse you usually before you even get a chance to debate of talking round in circles or some $#%^ line that just confuses you, we have to agree to disagree on that one kind of thing how you get past those lines and have a healthy debate is another matter, you not likely to get healthy debate but if you do that you get more medication if you refusing and injection better to play the game tonguing an olanzapine wafer, you can its easy, maybe swallow a little bit but you can tongue oral liquid to a digree if you smart about it , its hard to talk but just let some slidde over your tongeand swallow a bit and just nod or something and smile the nurses like people who enjoy medicaation time:), thats what Imean I had to tone it down so thats why hospital was not so good for my antipsychiatry veiwpoionts...I am stoned now sorry this is just garbage ly written etc.

but the putting the drugs under my tongue and yeah you can still do it with olanzapine wafers and just spit it out, hell you can actually do it with oral liquid until they start giving me formulation that doesn't work with so well but I did it with oral liquid just a matter of taking the hard tablets with water then athe oral liquid under the tongue and keep your mouth shut, but this too results in getting higher doses when not usual if taking it would be ###$ up and docile and not talking much not bothering talking coz its hard to think and nothing much to say and rec overed, no feeling etc but when you still feeling they still trying to sedate you and they just increase the dose untill you do or catch you tonguing them and give you injection and maybe high security unit or something...

I developed a lot of attraction for female nurses and usually try to charm the female staff and students who come in, probably got a bad reputat9i9on from it with more seniour staff, but they like me if you know whatt I mean they all really like me but I am just an arshole when antipsychitary, if you get my drift but they still like me even though I am antipsychiatry, just because they like me doesn't meant hey gonna listen to me though if I give them a peace of my mind especilaly the psychiatrist who don't like me as much as everyone else and are actually the ones who the filth and disrespect and spitting in their faces and all $#%^ that gonna get you security locked up and drugged out of your mind that attitude when dealing with this filth if you get my drift. all makes for a long hospital stay so I don't necessariluy agree that my life been saved by antipscy ch until I can actually make something happen, its all ###$ lately from celbrity thing and the robbery relating to pedophilic feelings and a personal crisis over those feelings about myself and being set up for a life closer to god as a consequence only ###$ up by antipsychotics, reason to feel antipsychiatry...maybe I get back to this, it does help my life to hav e these bveiw peoint I see is part of my life purpose to do something about it, but in howpital not the right place they just label it as schizophrenia for being antiauthoritarian and its a crime of social control to have me dumbed down and accepting of this filthy treatment.

feel like I was possessed when opening up about my indecency at some points maybe the loudest $#%^, I did a really bad job of discribing the living with filth feeling and feeling like I needed to detox or die kkind of think in the stink of it, I wasn't afraid of seeing hot girls, I was more nervous around them but from my very limited experience I would do things like find a corner to do some yoga and they might try to get my attention or copy me kinda thing...I was more turned off by anything that triggered thoughts in public about my use of this $#%^...like if I sore a girl that reminded me of one I had seen on the net that is when I would freak out, like I kept it really private from my everday mind, I hated it, hated that I was doing it....its not even so bad I metnioned the japanese $#%^, white girls and those girls weren't being abused in anyway and no flaunting of the sexual parts etc, so its not even porn so dont even kknow what I was worry about its pretty harmless

sorry to go on about it

so she left for quite some time but had visitations last night but I dont even know if it was her or not, a bit about opening up about the teleportation thing on the facebook>

at least some interesting things come out of it, like can say I had trips where the mometnum was on moving my physical manifestation of a body to another place...I did learn that this would involve an ascension enought to be able to do such a thing, maybe I wasn't ready, she still tried this before my indecency had settled in but thinking now it was an overreaction but still can't face her and she makes me feel paranoid.

don't know what else to say..am going to leave this thread alone for quite a while untill I figure it all out, maybe I am better off without her....and sorry I realise this is actually really bad for her image, hope I didn't spoil it or her for anyone, was a pretty big trip maybe like acid is contageous peoplle might think about it when they see her, hope not...I know I spoiled her for some people at the hosptial, at least expect

maybe because I am so bad for her image she would want to turn off any possability with me, like there once wass this possabiltiy, maybe I should remember the times she lied to me, but that might have been about her intention.

really made a mess of things with this thread, I should forget about it its done me no good, didn't even want to add this or anything else to it and hope it just gets lost somewhere.

theere is some good amongst it I guess but whole lot of opening up about the clebrity I shouldn't have done it spoilt things enough to make trips even worse, sharing it with peopple, and then the indecency that I had karmic trials over in my late teens for guilt of childish things like going into my cousins bedroom when she sleeping and wanting to get in bed with her and $#%^ but never actuall getting what I wanted , I was pretty young, even before that I wanted sex and went into this tent on holiday after someone I thought was my brother and there was a girl without any pants on and an old guy in their she was underage and I wanted to have sex with her but the guy grabed me and did somethng with my arse, I was blacking out kinda thing and the girl was real worried about me, dunno what he did to me. I remembered that feeling coz same thing happened to me and opened up to my parents that just flung me into pscyh ward for being disturbed by this kind of memory, at the ponds a man getting out of the water face changed and I thought he wass my dad I thought he was gonna do something or he did get a bit rough and that same feeling again like maybe my energy fades out by being overrun by male agression or something, pretty bad feeling anyway, I sore people having sex that day too, some roudy bunch of divers at the ponds, the man having sex was indecent about me interrupting and the woman was protective pretty bd environment, Ir eally felt it coz I was innocent and just a kid was disturbind day to remember and as I said my parents only left me to hopsital shrinkks for getting upset with them about the way they were treating me at least over smothering me, I was dealing with a lot of $#%^...and yeah love was always on the horizon love would spark this catalysing changes or maybe self identifying with my past and feelings of guilt.

hey there,
are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like you have a lot going through your mind and a lot of memories are coming up. It might be something to think about if you don't have one or something to bring up with them if you do have one. I hope things start to ease up for you.

things are easy thanks cheze...... check out this version of darkhorse, i b een getting inot covers and there has been heaps maybe thanks to a competition on it...one really hot chick was in it and I liked her and voted one, thought I wouldn't mind if she was coming at me like a darkhorse and switch it a bit...

http://youtu.be/5ybsPNmpblI metal version of darkhorse

I have come to realise now I don't trip about the celbrity anymore is that antipsychotics made trips bad, I had several reasons why,,,trips were no longer fun and served no purpose just deadd weight, they made me uneasy..I had nothing to offer in trips because I wa the dead weight, just in my head and ######6 up with no control over what was happening, just dead weight...it would be hard to describe to a psychiatrist....so now I just informing them that I no longer trip about this, plus throwing in that extra haliperidole did nothing for me, insanity herb rauwolfia serpentina helped me drift off to sleep to wake refreshed...key point being I don't trip after I get some sleep...like daytime is too much of a distraction to go inside the head and figure the astral plane out.

I have a mentor now that will advocate and put some things in a perspective that the psychiatrist will understaand if I communicate that medication is a barrier for recovery..he is gonna help me get off CTO If I pull my weight and look after myself a bit better..I would get to the point where i didn't seem to stinkk anymore only showering once a month basically maybe less then once a fortnight, so starting with a bit of daily showering etc has made me feel a bit better too..by the way it seemed the medication was responsible for me not to look after myslef, as I have mentioned before without it I am highly tuned to smells and making myslef clean and godly, I look after myslef so there is a barrier right their thaat it makes me too sedated to bother lookking after myself.

-- Thu Feb 13, 2014 2:12 pm --

I lost my magistrates hearing to get off the involuntary treatment too

haha I actually like the metal version better! Thanks for sharing!

I am glad that you were able to find something that helped you to be able to sleep. Sleep is important to me as well. If I don't sleep well I also experience odd perceptions and what not.

I am so glad to hear that you have a mentor who is going to help you. I really hope that it goes well. Just remember that you need to do your part as well if you really want to get off your CTO. Showering regularly is a good start a Judge isn't going to want to change a CTO if the person isn't taking care of themselves.

I am actually realising now aftwr talking to my mentor about the time I tampered with this door in my partments, subdevided house over thinking my lover manifested next door...it wasn't even katy perry so I don't ksnow who this lover was..it seems weird thata I made it into katy perry because I wanted it to be, it was luring and either I had two different lovers or lost that one that went nexxt door, it was really traumatic that she got trapped there...I remember going to talk to her after the police arrived like she would have amnesia to getting trapped and upon finding out about what happened with the police coming over she suffered greata pain and had to leave me andd some delusion played out about what was happening to her I thought I lost her, but I don't think this was actually katy perry if you get my drift, she triggered this whole thing it seemed, maybe she just a tripper...I liked her who-ever it was or if it actually became katy perry, kinda weird...I am so excited that there is going to be a film clip of darkhorse, she seemed to pull my picture on my wall cover picture of Maat my goddess love at one point, we made babies...so she is doing katy-patra goddess like and there is a video preview out of pictures like the one on my cover photo...kkinda cool...I not claiming to inspire the preiview to the video..I heard John Mayer is gonna be in the clip..."who will win her heart" on the prievew is like a tease to me...as if I could win her heart I just link to the vidio. http://smarturl.it/DHtrail ... by the way I not saying that time talking to Kaaty perry on facebook bfore she blocked me for asking her to help me out of the psych hosptailal sand appear at court on such a date kinda thing, fair enough she blocked me....so I saying maybe i inspired the idea, she teasing me with this in a good way...I don[t think the filmclip when it comes out will do me any justice or not, I hope she trips me out with it

so that going from...it was never Katy perry all along but maybe she was their like a catalyst and something to picture as a lover on odd instances...to thinking yeah darkhorse is still about it...I must sound confusing..I think I stick to this picture of the original lover who was not Katy perry but someone else...or we fell out and thats what made things so hard for me after I tampered with the door and the police came...its confusing...who was she??

anyway I jjust saying darkhorse is a classic in my books..check out the trailer for the film clip...some people saying its illuminate, but think the symbol holds significance more to eye of horus and telepathic kkind of influence third eye watching all the suiters.... http://smarturl.it/DHtrail

hey check this what I just found out loll this is coll its not the official video but its something else it features Katy perry..thi9s is just weird and its got juicy J as some killer...maybe I am the one getting killed...they came at me with guns before..thats what I saying about dark nights tripping even had them coming at me with guns manifesting bullets going through my brain..

http://youtu.be/SWq9A0wU1cU

check it out!

I was actually quite disturbed watching it, I guess it could be triggering, or that just me not sure...this video has juicy J I guess , I don't know what he looks like...check it out anyway, not sure if this is just a leak of some kind only one video on the acount....not sure what this video means, but being so triggered by it is something, its disturbing, maybe most people would find it so, not sure ...not actual vieo to be realseased featuring Kaaty-Patra I gather..worth checking out if your a fan tho I guess she made it... http://youtu.be/SWq9A0wU1cU

still check ouut this one though http://smarturl.it/DHtrail this is about the official vieo, not sure what the weird one is all about, not sure how it will work as a comic video at least some effort to dilute the intensity of it with a dark film clip. This one http://youtu.be/SWq9A0wU1cU has freaked me out.

Razeal you did a lot of psychedelics in the past huh? I can tell

What did the shrinks diagnose you with? lol I still cant understand what your posts are about