I'm still a free man-Razael's Thread

went back to visions I had with her before I went into hospital where gods of heaven gave her scrolls I found a permanent place for her there so can feel good that nothing gonna make her fall depending on what happens with me, its good to go back to those visions where I think a god gave her expalnation for my behaviours of the past, kinda resolved something and its from a time when I was at my best, its good to remember those visions and perspective of higher places above the earth. at least visions when its not all about my love making when I can't at this time and place on psychiatric treatmetns

about last time she came to me like a dark horse I made a choice to tleport into heavenly layers above the earth to leave this antipsychotic laden $#%^ behind, but somehow it was forbidden by lilith or eventually the imaginary friend forbid me and they kept asking eachother to unhand me I waS GONNA TRY TO TELEPORT into another dimetion with a goddess coz i kknew I be safe...the imaginary firend has since been into heaven from this perspective but is now tuning into coins coming out of her on a similar vibe to her descent last time from our lovers spot where I might be able to satisfy her hard to explain..but it moved to where this other goddess lives i9n heaven, so I go there insetead and her form there is falling coins and she is falling out, maybe the change of perspectives about my history not so good and then again maybe this is just my trip and she right to not love me anymore and forgett about me, although what if this vision represents something anyway not sure how to bring her back now, maybe some things weren't meant to be..


nothing much is really becoming but I did have an awsome dream last night, hard to remember what lead into it but an exploration of a house and I went up to higher place and went through something resisting me along a pather to open space with a shed and two bat like creatures started kissing me in my privates and I started to float and it transformed in my vision to something with long ears and carressing me with flicks of its head I then started to freak out about floating away from the earlier dream and tried to float back down so I didand left her it was freaky anywayI went back inside and told soemone about it and she opened a window and the bat like girl came flying in and then close dthe window and she tried to get out and splatted on the window and I let her out...i wnet back out and the bat like girl whispered in my ear that was blocked with cotton wool like insert that she loved me. I walked up to what was like a clif and a shed and she and another male transformed into human like formation but I barely noticed her, they showed me money in the shed and when I opend some of the money it was like a jaw of a creature with teeth and blood in its throat they said you put rice in it fill it with rice kinda weird looking back, weird I guess the dream ended there, but that is a thing with the godess she transformes into whatever shape I want but her naturall human form is stunning..maybe it realtes to something I talked about along the lines of doing bat transformations according to shamanism for bat medicine which is dangerous and involves concepts of some pretty far out places I might have metnioned it as I fell asleep or in another dream maybe adjacent to this one about exploring a house, so maybe she appeared as a bat and it freaked me out, or maybe relating to the darkhorse stuff that is freaky and in the dream this girl freaky when invisible bat, better once she transformed but I couldn't make eyes for her and she was with another person like two of the same species I guess and I just a human going to strange place in this building.

Tending to sleep a lot, nothing to do but sleep I feel so uninspired and no not much going on in way of visions or teleporting to be with this godess in astral layers above the earth.

I guess its obvious I not doing as much complaining and my head nnot on straight at the moment,

I was just in bed and beings came to me in between dreams when I just laying there think i needed to do a piss, it was really good and girls too, I should say ladies and goddess's, was a good place to be, KP is just distorted now nothing much at all going on with her anymore

tried to contact the girl bat girl from the dream I had and she sorta came but had to hide from me was weird hope to be with her soon, only coz she loves me.

maybe I am best to get off this KP thing anyway,some of the beings I met in between my dreams when I needed a piss would be good, it keeps me going having astral visitors and that kind of $#%^ going on....maybe beings can visit me when I am dreaming, it would be a fantasy that I get regular visitor in my dreams, that would be sweet I'd like that.

still no sign of her, didn't seem that real until she switched it off...and yeah I tried to bring her back but not gonna happen, she still seems close though but the connection is broken and she no longer have the time to dedicate to me it took a bit of energy to maintain connection and she is freeing herself of that.

anyway maybe I can blame this thread for it dieing like that, wish there was something I could do, was gonna delete my comment when I first metnioned it but wanted to talk about the robbery on my bank account so I left it up thre, I shoulda deleted to save this thread and my image, too late now, wonder if she read it, or putting it in print for all to see had its consequence that she caught onto it in her reality, forget things like she blocked me on facebook and she has a partner which she lied about to me, she lied all the time and always thought of giving it up for that, no good for me even though it made life interesting..

Maybe back to getting my head around antipsychiatry, wasn't doing much good before when I distracted, gotta play the game to get onto orals and inevitably not take the orals like I am supposed to, thats about the only way I see getting out of it. case manager reckons I have to get my life in order first before they let me take on oral medication, so that means doing more stuff, but need to get off the drugs to naturally be inclined to do more stuff, thats all there is too it, so they put me on orals and magically I am proactive and enthused by oportunity in life, none at the moment.

peaved now I missed my oportunity to meet her in the park, if it really was her I never found out but pretty sure it was, who else would whistle and wave instead of just coming over, I shoulda gone over straight over but I didn't...even dumber it was while on leave from hosptila and I still reported seeing her in the carpark...

I am so bored

tried to talk on facebook groups but only thing athat happened is on pagan site a girl with schizophrenia tried to hellp me realise I am sick and need more medication, she had some delusion about keeping her magic skills while properly medicated, a new patient happy with the outcome but they don't understand, its just a probllem I have with articullating the phenomena, like talking about teleportation and how I had trips about it..not sure what this girl trying to prove by pointing out I sound sick and need medication adjusted, adjusted how?increased till I am in bed 24/7 like already am mostly, can hardly bring myself to leave the house to go shops, just sleep weed to feel better, I am getting sick of bed too thats even worse//more weed keeps me out of bed....I drink too much cola drinks too, not sure where that fits in.
yeah my life be sorted if I didn't have to take medications and free man. pity though no longer gravitate toward katy perry phenomena. I kinda miss her. but nevermind

I cant read all 19 pages of this thread, but whats going on? I don't understand what its about.

I tend to ride both sides of the fence in relation to this sort of topic. The first side of things is that you should listen to people who are trying to help you. This is especially true if not listening to what they have to say will ultimately end in prison time. Is it worth going to prison just to defy people and not make appointments you are required to? The other side of this for me is the fact that I believe we need to learn to listen to our own bodies. If you feel strongly that one form of treatment is better for you than the other, then by all means follow that course of action. However, be willing to take advice from people and listen to what they have to say. It may be your body, but it may also be a smart move to listen to what these other people have to say.

P0ci wrote:I cant read all 19 pages of this thread, but whats going on? I don't understand what its about.

Its not reallyabout anything, I started this thread when refusing treatments on CTO and then moderator made it place to talk about everything so thats what I did and am just going through a patch out of hospitall refusing treatments when Katy Perry DArkhorse came out and I link to the actual song so people can check it out http://youtu.be/F9S-88WxPdE, I thought it was about me from times when untreated I kept this thing about Katy Perry secret then revealed it once out of hospitall refusing treatmnets reporting what going on with Katy Perry...now she left me, this thread might have something to do with it since opening up about an auntee who stole bank account off me for admitting to child sexual feelings and acts in through child hood and early teens with her which opened me up to talking about shadowy aspect of my life that I looked at child images on the net which was karmic residue of initial psychosis that got treated thanks to my autee setting me up as a schizophrenic, hell I wrote down the bank account number out of thin air in front of her when she figuring out what to do with me for interfering with her daughter and wham she got a shotgun and took me to the bank to transfer my funds I got from a check at uni outside this branch and didn't take it to my usual bank which would have been smarter.

maybe best you not understand to begin with POci.

now lately I been writing my feelings about ######6 the situation with her up, or was it meant to ###$ up inevitably when she found out, I reported things I shouldnt reported online about my behaviours of the past and dunno ###$ up I guess or about coming clean another poster reckons prison time might do me justice for getting out of the system if I can convince them my first episode was about karmic purification over looking at childporn a crush on a woman who resembles Katy Perry before I knew of Katy Perry -and some keen lookalikes I met along the wasy a different story-my thing with her distracted me from seeming sane when I started talking about it, thats about all I started talking about and when she found out about it when got too close and I showed her it when she was coming on strong wanted to get rid of her somehow at least thats what my automatic trips were telling me, maybe not want to be on recieving end of darkhorse anymnore even though she says its for ever sinc ce finding this $#%^ out its no longer forever she doesn't like me anymnore if you get my dirft so now I just gotta live with it.

sorry if this doenst clarify things...I really lost this thread. Mayb e I shoulda started a new one when talking about the clebrity and darkhorse to clarify this thread is about my feelings toward being free from psychiatric treatment to which I feel like I should be bringing it back to..but its about everything and thats what its about I opened up to some horrific $#%^ in communicating what my auntee did and the process of karmic purification over guilt of my crimes lead me to giving up a bank account and being set up as a schizophrenic for opening up to my auntee about feeling like a pedophile for what I did to my cousin if you get my drift...but nothing to worry about I think its just some twisted aspect of my life I push out of my head, maybe thanks to antipsychotics for never truly dealing with those tendencies which might have emerged when I tried to do a sea\nce by myself to talk to my dead grandfather who was a pedo. maybe I wanted to see if I was like him or not and got cuaght in a habit or something that is really bad for someone, I went through some prity pittyful karmic times of suffering and humiliation over what I was dealing with and not being able to sight children in real life made me sick or think it was sick enough to go through karmic purification and prayer sessions to wash clean of any sins and go through psychosis again...thats what some of my fragile states of mind could be drawn to and an attemtpt at purification its hard to discribe.

either that or I really was wasting her time when I didn't teleport or I couldn't telpot soething made me want to break the process, stupid its a way out, I never can say that I teleported...and this thing about writing everything that going down made it change somehow into what is desirable for me not to be tripping about a celbrity the whole time, it kinda took over my life and this thread/ http://youtu.be/F9S-88WxPdE darkhorse

I am happy for you