I'm still a free man-Razael's Thread

seems to be the case that no longer dealing with the celbrity imaginary friend, perhaps since writing all this or the trips with extradimentional beings trying to bannish her made a difference, it was doing me no good...not sure what it is but i feel alright about it, but will miss her....or totally about what I shouldnt been opening up about it and coz I made it public ###$ things up, bad trips and she got caught up in it and closed it ans will o longer do this $#%^ to me like before, some of it just opened me up to bad trips about her so maybe safer if I try to stick with extradimentional stuff, but I am ruined for my extradimentional voyages now aafter bad trips or maybe not...

just went where I think employable being are to this psychiatry thing. not sure what to say but I seem to be more conscerned with the imaginary friend situation then explaining psychiatry to them.

nothing much to say now hope this thread explodes, nah I was thinking extradimentional being s might guard it, but now that would be about the taboo $#%^ too, and a waste of time and energy talking all about the celbrity thing then the topic after talking about my auntee robbing me of an account and I should say my breakdown involved several factors including the making up for teenage crimes and business with my cousin that and finding out my grandfather was a pedophile led me to looking up some $#%^ on the internet and got massive sick off it as well as having a crush on this totur from uni but blocking it out I usually would about the other side of the breakdown, have opened up about it now so maybe that will lead to some healing, do you know what I mean that side of my story is usually tucked away and forgotten, and yeah antipsychotics make a mess of self realisations and feelings about crossing the line into immoral or bad habits that might actually trigger transformative episodes into purity and divinity..

just listening to darkhorse and thought to say it sounds like now she says mention of the taboo word since finding out about my past at the end after saying know what you are falling for sounds after like she subliminally says pedophile, just recently I heared this and when I first heared it I was upset that it was in darkhorse but maybe I don't care anymore..find listening to her music comforting now things got meeessed up for percieving her as an imaginary freind, and already talked about why that is but thinking the bannishment trips with extradimetional beings or coming clean ###$ $#%^ up and especially making it public in place like this, her conscious will might have come into it but then again ..
I was gonna metion and forgot but put in whille editing that she thought I was a waste of time after failing to teleport the other night she was upsett that I pulled out of completing it and was even allowed by extradimetional beings until it wasn't a good idea, she was angry and tried to bring it on again and tripped that I sore bodies dropping out of the sky onto the ground on the trajectory she bringing me to, ahad to pull out of that trip, but I failed by not transporitng my entire self to be with her, but who knows maybe that is just still a place more material but like in a parallel universe! just realised that but like the other nights with telepoteing to wake up in an airoplane what am I really getting myslef into, some transportation to parallel universe to be with her or the possability are endless once I get comfortable with it, wonder what but that is the most interesting thing I am saying about that trip that I am gonna teleport to enter a dimetion when I am with her all the time in the physical but another dimention, so now I realise thata she might in real life find my crush on her to be spinning her out and disturbing, maybe I experience it too real for what it really is and another dimetional $#%^ going on....not sure about the car park incident. about the bad habits and taboo subject in the past and perhaps consious effort for the song darkhorse to be recorded with the taboo word in it but we had close shave when things were going well in 2012 too over my old laptop that I detroyed once over it and smashed the screen over anger at the habit of downlowding this $#%^, then it stopped starting up and couldn't be bothered fixing it or getting it fixed, was already running through a tv at the time and chopped it with an axe and threw it out, funny enough rihanna wass witness to that aswlel and thought it was a bad idea coz I had recorded music and lots of photography on it and worth getting it fixed, I felt comfortable with explaining shame at some of the contents to the tchnitian incase they find my stash like they might worst still they might be into it, but destroyed and chucked out that computer as a gesture after she found out in sign that its not gonna happen again but then since things with other invasive type beings and at war led me to running from my house a couple of times, second time was opening a portal to some really bad $#%^ like a place my sister was destined to go and I was trying to help her out anyway stupid thing coz then she had me runn from the opening of the portal ran from my house and looked back and in the distance in the vicintiy of my house was vortex whirlwind towing up so I kept running from this $#%^ that was gonna ingulf me and in through a car park an midnight postal workers disturbed them and ran back a bit but not with what was just around the corner, cops came pretty quick and won't go on ended up getting ###$ by psychiatry and all the earlier $#%^ since frustration to the way it plays out t debilitated life on these drugs, and then and then I was before getting back with the celebrity crush and tried to make contact about darkhorse on her facebook while refusing treatments and feeling love again I found through someone sounding a lot loke her and computer doing strange things for hashtag darkhorse, anyway got blocked for a reason their as\already metnioned, so its over right their you'd think plus the relationship front almost detroyed what we had during hospital she didn't know if she could still help me if I worry about her partner in real life, so managed to keep it going that time.

maybe her coming at me like a darkhorse with trips that seem to get ###$ up and can't control myself very well lots of automatic trips and action like you imagine seeing yourslef playing out bizarre acts like she tends to turn me into a sheet and laying on the floor sometimes not sure what it means, weird $#%^ and some thinks like roller shutters or the vision means your supposed to stope watching thinkgs of higher purpose going on, sometimes including the higher self...parts of oursleves I still see in heven dispite being hidden partially by work during the bannashing and of turning her into a coin that dropped from heaven, it was all really automatic so I detroyed something that I wanted back and someone stepped on the coin before a child grabbed it and tossed her back up in the hope of transforming her back into herself lost track of where that one went, to metnion a trip..I talked a lot about tripping so thought I metnion one, most involve other beings...some familiar imagry with making cups out of astral self and seeming to stack them sometimes happens...as I gonna say before that would be a tangent it seems automatic kind of langouage that I am deciphering, or at least bizzare rituals and manipulations of the astral self...one of the nurses seemed to complete blocks on me by making stacks of the cups I said about and repitition forms it into something that the extradimentional beings wanted back from her, dunno what she did, its happed before but much slower, seems to be an attack of some kind but I don't know what they are doing it happens spontaneously and sometimes perhaps instinctually.....any way thought to say something else unrelated...seems she not really coming to me like imaginary freind anymore, bit of a shame co she actually opens me up to perceiving my extradimetnional beings so they not performing right if the completely bannish her from my perceptions, not sure what going on, still seem to have some sort of connection or its ok If I wanna keep it going.

maybe I should have let the child grab the coin in that trip about turning her into a coin as she fell from heaven but I wanted to put her back together, when taking it back upheaps of children were upset about it, so maybe they would recieve her as imaginary firend if I let it go but I wanted her back up, maybe just a trip and not need to worry about it, technitians covered up this place in heven although now she partially back to that place..not sure what going on, but that is just selfish, but maybe I still want her to feel that up there, like she might be able to feel and maybe acocount to something else in real life I dunno, doesn't matter I guess, tried making her own spot but that didn't really work out...not sure what to do, just wanted to please her once she helped me get back in controll of journeys above in the astral layers above the earth and possabilities of going there I not fully encompasing, even though going up has become harder, maybe since opening up about it, got drawn into the centre of the earth the other night with a bad trip like something drawing me underneath.

the goddess that reside I think higher then we go when experiencing the lovers lane of heaven , the being on top of this place I don't know what is but giant of course.. the goddess saves me sometimes she is gorgeous I been told from the purgatory crew who liked her, she got too hands on a couple of times and got with purgatory dude after wrapping him in a condom for protection lol, but then actually ###$ him and made babies then claimed the babies wree mine, we were only just getting accustomed and purgatory ruined it and made me feel a whole lot of hurt, not sure where my imaginary fireind was as this point maybe scared off by purgatory, and when the army wing of astral $#%^ got involved behind that fence and in a tree whe was with another man and later claimed she was raped but maat told me she let herself get involved with him..not sure about this goddess of heaven but she claims she once to be mortal and understands, I am the first mortal she had seen and displayed herself sexually to me, so I thinking I am wiser to get involved with that while I still can so not sure how to go about it, we had a falling out big time but she stuck around back then ovbserving and comentating the invasions during the wars on the fence with maat, she wasn't helpfull and I got upset at her and drove her away, but I was tense bakck then...I like to see what she really looks like as visions might improve......talking about the past with wars and stuff, could easily get involved with bad trips and have the same $#%^ going on now or when I trip, usually when the celbrity up to something, even if its just her in a parrallel universe.

Razael,
I'm worried about you. It sounds like perhaps you have a lot going on in your mind at the moment.

Razael wrote: so now I realise thata she might in real life find my crush on her to be spinning her out and disturbing, maybe I experience it too real for what it really is and another dimetional $#%^ going on

I would think more on this.

Perhaps listening to darkhorse isn't a good idea?

haha that made me laugh cheze when you say maybe I shouldn't listen to darkhorse??lol...its not really happening anymore anyway cheze pretty boring lately but I still like listening to darkhorse yeah..its funny now looking back...I sure sound like a freak especially the teleporting trips

I am satisfied still thata I can trip on antipsychotic...a lot seemed to rely on the celbrity for my attention to go elsewhere like projecting into heaven.

moved the other business to better forum and talked about metetron for reforming and purifying to take good care of children, mabe some of them would appreciate an avenue to prevent abuse and instead be good teachers of the children as they are the path of our evolution of society and new ages to come, plant good seeds I say, hope I made this clear, I hate that I opened up about it.

thank god it doesn't still sound like she says taboo word.

ha made me listen to darkhorse again

feel like some weed thats probably the only reason I trip sometimes.

bed is dank mabe I need to keep up the shankhpushpi and darkhorse for the antipsychotic.

yeah I changed since hosptial just added the fear of pedophilia to the mix of reasons for having transformations of purity with love crushes to reform the way I lead my life, its a big deal.

don't know what I gonna do without my girlfriend, she caught wind of this $#%^ and isn't appearing anymore,,, and it seems that I need her to see ET's and other journeys...what am I gonna do? how do I make it up to her so she keeps coming to me? I gonna miss her and all the good $#%^ that she brings, except for bad trips of course but at least I can trip. I am begging her, she still appears partially but not like before plus tainted with this $#%^ I been talking about. how am I gonna get over it?should never have opened up about it co that just makes it worse plus she might have found it and decided she not gonna do this to me anymore..

getting back to taht depressed antipsychotic nothing that is usual but entertained by a joint and writing this cheered me up, perhaps that familiar state of limbo is fueling my antipsychiatric rantings and thinking, this celbrity gave me something different and something to live by, seeming to be such a crucial part of my life while on anitpsychotic, without her I am nothing its just boring life in bed most of the time making a mess of my house can't be bothered cooking or looking after myself...what I been talking about is a seperate part of my life kinda like some dark alter personality or possession ever since doing the seance to talk to my dead grandfather who is a pedophile in real life, ever since then I did that before having any psychosis, ever since then is when this started happening, not sure how to put it at rest now for good, I am above all that and live by that, that $#%^ was just a forgotten icon of filth. or unresolved childhood stuff maybe but finding out my grandfather did what he did and destroyed the lives of my sisters and cousins I say I am more in opposition to it then every other being, curiosity to see if I am like him maybe, which I discov er i am not like when I had opportunity to get with 14yera olds who are out partying and causing trouble, I acted more like a teacher even when they talking sex but no thinking I wanna take up on the offer , so I discovered I act more as guiding force and voice of what I am capable of presenting to young minds about right from wrong . that was when I was walking home with some ginger wine didn't givbe them any but lectured them on how allcohol makes themdo stupid things and maybe talked about sex too that It would be a bad idea to get drunk and at such a young age they don't need alcohol and they were obviously having fun like with running around in cirles and singing tryna get my attention and they got it, it was funny oh sorry I didn't say what happened. I was walking home and these girls started running around in circles around me and there was some boys with them they wree out and wanted to make freinds, one girl was keen to show off her underware but I didn't look, the hot one caught my attention but didn't have any sexual fantasy or sexual things going on, I didn't play that part. they also wanted cigarettes which actually made me double back from where I was going to reconsider maybe hanging out with them some more and see me like a brother but they were gone, so didn't get them cigarettes after all...not a good idea hanging out with kids anyway...thats what I mean I can't live with those vidios and whatever it is that I was looking for in daily life I put it away couldn't live with it so it was a supressed thing a habit, perhaps until a love opened me up to sharing about it openly maybe I can be thnkfull and trust your discretion, or maybe now I am ruined, I hope not.

maybe while I am thinking about it so much that I can't have her as astral visitor, like I am not letting it be possible alway refferning back to the idea that she is talking to a pedo, I just let it get to me maybe thats all..she found out first by the way then I thought of coming clean and seeing what I had to say about it..maybe I could help with a godsend to plant seeds of metetron in the material and do some magic on it, although I guess some is already done to it to account for my psychosis at around 19, the transformation also revolved around a love crush with a psychology tutor at uni, the astrophysics blew my mind and up for hours jotting notes and stuff to do with going places in discovery of the orrigins and nature of the universe with hopes of meeting life at some po9int at lleast the dream was there but it wassn't about life at that point just theory of zones of galaxies and maybe structure of galaxy that allow for life to develop in hot spots..I now see things differently,, I did philosophy of science too that made for a more metaphysical progression into theories of the universe, If I could open up and get off this torture of antipsychotics, so a lot going on so tough to say that my pscyhosis was about looking up porn on the internet and guilt over what I did to my cousin like karmic reckoning to get over teenage crimes, the breakdown was a soulsearch and my autee robbed me and set me up as a schizophrenoic so these grandfather issues would never truly resolve through transformational states of psychosis.

she got a bit heavy last night and regretted saying that I was beggingher to stay.....I was connecting and trying to elivate to be with the goddess up in heaven and she didn't want me to leave her, maybe its only because of her thata I had the opportunity with someone else, tried to replace her with other girls too but the goddess was the main one, I trying to teleport myself up into the layers above the earth but I couldn't again....nothing much to say except I regretted wanting to be her one and only I mean making me have her as my one and only....glad she could come at me agian I guess but pity she not allow me to go with the higher goddess who can transform into any physical shape....do you know whata I mean that I have her to thank for any of these opportunities, I trying to replace her but she wanted none of that and wanted to keep me, I guess I should feel honored.

I had weed again to explain why I was tripping...think I am setting something up so we be together forever but I not sure if I want that anymore, I think thats what she wants, but with the goddess I am safe,, they kept asking one and other to unhand me she was getting a bit rough and didn't know what to do..I think I am better off with the goddess, what do you think? if only the goddess would come at me the same intensity as her...the vision a while ago envisioning a land filled with hundreds of her is whata its like, she too full on with me and it tripps me out, but I would miss her if she stopped thats why I need the goddess to come at me like no tommorrow to save me from her and keep me going..love drama's.

maat was coming too but I ###$ up in the land of the gods and was misbehaving, not sure why that is, maat was very forgiving she deserves a lot of respect and as she says her word is final, try to make sure she pays respect to goddess I am dealing with but not sure she so set on keeping me as her baby.

really had to think of a way to have good vibes for KP with all this, didn't want to upset her in real life she deserves good vibes and I am not so good at giving her what she deserves when she trying to kidnap me.

so if I had a choice I would spend eternity with this goddess and not so much KP who just wants my dik back, she remembers what I am like in bed and only interested to get me in the sack really, not sure if she loves me anymore, my dick is her keen focus but that doesn't work on antipsychotics..when it was good and she my aphrodite off antipsychotic my dick was heavy and solid, now it doesn't even surface for action with her...I wanted her to know what I am like in bed when off antipsychotics and think I showed her thats what keeps her going, she wants my good dik. so its makking for problems coz when I trip I am on antipsychotics and we c an't have any fun, thats what is probably going on and she is frustrated and it comes across as heavy $#%^, can't satisfy her but her drive is still there.

wish me luck connecting with the goddess, I hope she makes herself kknows so really get to know her, in my trips she came accross as unnatractive and like my dead sister but that just confusion, she is gorgeous but sent a female version of me into my home and I though she ugly, but thats not waht she really looks like she just didn't know what I like...after all the drama's of going with one as apposed to Katy Perry I found myslef in tricky situation thinking I had made a mistake but already played out part of her banashment from my life, I chose her again ad went back to her perhaps stupidly coz then its on again with her trying to kidnap me and betrayal made the heart not so fond and she was furious at times, yeah I described her as furious last night, i think that encaptulates it well, her fury is astonishing...not sure what I want but seems like I want her around still can't seem to let go even after going through the motions to remove her to be with the goddess, not sure but I think some of this all still relys on her to come at me to see the possability to switch it to someone else, its kinda letting her down, pity though I can't be with both for eternity or do I really have to chose, I thinkk the goddess would be more rewarding..

I remember cheze'z concern last night, maybe the picture is coming accross what its really like with this darkhorse business...I appreciate the concern..trips were intense last night but I survived it keeps me in good order, maybe this world of magic is too scary at times when its coming on strong and suffereing from opposed forces or it seems to be all at once I have to learn better about this teleportation stuff maybe I can go back but I hate being in two places at once it is really disturbing the thought of that opssability, to fully go to another place is what is on offer it seems but the possabillity and opposed forces makes it scary business, especially when tripping and I think the antipsychotic lead me to making unwise choices in focus and bad pllaces to go in other dimention...or maybe its an illusion and I would only fully go in an emergency...maybe this is an emergency when I think what the law would do if anyone set on dobbing me in as someone who looked up the internet for underage girls, still not sure why I fully did it, but used the oportunity to discuss it as a means of seeking clarity and overcoming it from my life and put more thought into it, talking out aloud...all you need to know is I am safe and good to children as part of my spiritual makeup to care for their adult selves as children, I want to leave them with good memories and upllifting guidance, more like a brother if I dealing with one in person she could tell me anything...i have had experience from being on a chat group on my phone with lots of underage girls and developed good bonds through texting interstante, met some 18yearrolds won't go into, I used to be better hanging out with 18yearolds and did it a bit but not many times actually slept with one twice actually but I don't get much real sex.that was when I was 28-29 and one girl didn't know how old I was she thought around her age, now I am on antipsychotic it makes me old fat and tired so no hanging out with 18year olds or its the new subburb I live in, I used to be attractive to younger girls but not anymore now I am 32 and had 3plus years of my life ruined on antipsychotics so I not fit better hanging out with younger generations, not for sex although sometimes if they come on strong enough like what has happened with the girl who didn't know how old I am funny going home she lost her bag or something and the dad had to let her in and she said I am school mate but if dad had seen me he know I am almost 30with his teenage daughter but lucky that didn't happen like the younger girls couldn't tell how old I am but older people could tell how old I am some at least..pity what the antipsychotics did I was on path of immortality through chi-gung and taoist internal excercise and alchemy it was really good, psychiatry has ###$ me.

http://youtu.be/t5Sd5c4o9UM Katy Perry ET..I thinkk this song is to blame reminds me strongly of time it was out in 2011 when this $#%^ started and went to ER in ambulence for sleep deprivation...so this song is to blame for it, at least it shows you that she open to it, I like it as much as darkhorse except darkhorse is probably darker and more intense.

I thought this song was about me when it came out more as a joke I knew it wasn't but maybe planted a seed with her and what kind of chick she is already..tripper. wonder if darkhorse planted any seeds seems people don't really know what its about or something its censored or something...I gonna listen to ET again I like the filmclip too.

"wanna be a victim, ready for abduction"