I'm still a free man-Razael's Thread

I have refused medication since wednesday, thusrsday was anzac holiday, friday they did a desperate plea to get me to come in...I made a phonecall to the duty worker to explain I was going to use seraquil for sleep I just need to watch my sleep. now its monday and I just missed a couple of calls from a private number, no stress.

now I am considering giving up weed to spend some money on ayurvedic medicine, heaps smarter option. plus I rather not be high if I get busted for refusing treatment on CTO..going to add rauwolfia serpentina and shankhapushpi and brahmi untill I can afford an order of some other herbs aswell/..wonder if I should let them know incase they are on the fence about calling the cops to get me into hospital.interesting brahmi has been tested on schizophrenia with outstanding results, yet they claimed it might be delayed olanzapine response.

I am also trying to engage goddess's themis and athena.....arhchangel chamael who is good if you ever made a mistake, he stands for justice....athena is for courage skill and just warfare. themis is about devine justice////// wonder if it makes a difference to pray that my life can be free of the $#%^ that is CTO..

last time I was on a CTO they let me off for non-engagement after having a fight with my worker and he called the CAT team, so did I , it was like a battle, I came out on top and that was back in 2002? I spent 7years without treatment/...hung up on my nurse when he called friday when he claimed I was distorted about that period without drugs, according to the principle that I am shcizophrenic.

these labels are shitting me, it means nothing or at least the label doesn't speak much for the truth of my matters.

anyway thought I keep this short, took a seraquil last night was up til 3am or more, extended release but still feel it after I wake up, must change to normal seraquil.

sorry this is boring/

supposed to be seeing the quack thursday, but don't know if she gonna like my plans or it might be a trap to force me with the injection...

just ordered some herbs so thats done wouldn't want it to be a waste

Razael wrote:anyway thought I keep this short, took a seraquil last night was up til 3am or more, extended release but still feel it after I wake up, must change to normal seraquil.

sorry this is boring/

Not boring,

It seems your not refusing treatment and don't "lack insight" if you took seroquel last night to avoid the insomnia you know is bad for you.

Your refusing mistreatment, big difference.

My advice to you Razael is to drink lots upon lots of water, especially when the cravings for weed start coming on. Withdraws from that can be bad.

The thing they don't get, is that its not that we don't want to feel better. We want to feel better, but better to us isn't just what others see and are able to tolerate externally from us, but how we feel internally. Also, on our terms.

its a boredom thing with the weed, if anything sleeping is easier on it. although I get a weird sensation feels like death or its a thing with the antipsychotic and weed together, feels terrible, usually when I lay down to bed, I should really remember that when I think about buying some....or its the social thing, connecting with dealers once I get in my head to get weed the dealer seems to pull me in, like we make our own reality from our thoughts and i have lots of thoughts about getting some weed its hard to resist.....so i don't know about any physical withdrawals from it, but it a thing about boredom.

I should tell my doctor I smoke and want to give up, they might have a nice drug to use like benzo's, but rather be addicted to weed then benzo's....wonder what they would prescribe If I was honest about wanting to quit......

once I'm off the antipsychotic it will be much easier, becuase I use the weed to feel better from the effects of the drugs, without antipsychotics I be able to give up cola drinks cigarrettes interestingly etc and make good changes to my lifestyle....quacks don't know the negative effects of the drugs on lifestyle but I do for sure....shame quacks are hard to talk to about reality of their industry.

for some reason it feels really good to stay up to wee hours of the morning, either that or I do it because I am feeling good, funny enough that was a night I had without weed and actually felt much better then normal.....its a catch coz I like the effect of minor sleep deprivation but I know it leads to problems/

so I am going to see the public psychiatrist thursday, but not confident I can explain why I am choosing to go down my own road,,,,they'll probably say they don't mind me using ayurvedic medicine in conjunction with their evil drugs but I need to be off the evil $#%^ to actually get the full benefit of the ayurvedic stuff.....wonder if I'l be able to explain it and get my way, not so confident but maybe all I need is to be totally sure about what I am doing and not let their projections and fantasy about my lable and imagined responses to giving up their regimen......maybe talk about creating our own reality with affirmations that their self-fullfilling prophecy and fear based stuff is just a market for the drug industry, of those that give up antipsychotics about half will fully recover compared to basicall none of the people still on the drugs.

maybe I jjust clear my mind and feel confident and courageous about what I am doing, explain I know the risks and have a safety net they would appreciate with the seraquil but using ayurveda will basically do all the work plus my solid and sure means to recovering what is lost form the antipsychotics.

really have to stay calm with their stupidity

worse is they interpret everything as a sign of illness, just talked to my case manager and it was hard not to flare up, especially when she said she wasn't following me when she didnt answer after suggesing it was a sign of illness to be able to engage the mind and feel feelings again, she responded that they would take me back to hospital because I was unwell....they calculate it as not a possability of relapse but a reality, just cos i said I will be able to think agiain,,,,..said it pretty strait forward but she said she couldn''t follow me by suggesting by being able to think is a sign of illness....so just thinking abiltiy that everyone does is now considered an illness....or they just expect that if I was thinking it would be something that needs medication.... what about normal mood reactions to stupidity

as I said I gotta nnot get worked up, cos I have a lot to say and they automatically say that I have racing thoughts, and can't explain "no its normal when dealing with idiots: they have no insight to the fact that they are idiots and deluded relying on mythical hypothesis to the nature of the mind and preoccupired with illness....

I had some weed straight after the phone call, sick of their $#%^


maybe I could call the duty manager and request not to deal with my particular case manager that seems to have troubllle following communication and reverts to bias in her discrimination of me as suffering a certain diagnosis that doesn't begin to explain what really goes on for me....I at least like to see some interest in what makes me the way I do, and what triggers psychosis and how to alleviate those problems through will power and tools of eastern philosophy to tune the mind and free from any deficits and suffering.

they don't understand in a mood i9n response to their stupidity that they see it all as delusion becuase they just don't get it

dang talking to the clinician has got me a blow on my neurosphere
I know I just wanna be able to think really clear, they crash the valuse I hold so dear.

is it about fear they disproportionise the concepts I hold that keep me from fears
ah this is $#%^, I used to have wit
to spit on those that betrayed my codes of freedom
doesn't it mean something to them

they aren't my freinds
they are the foe
all they mean is woe
bro
thats about all I have to say....

gotta psychiatrist that wants to play about the day I get my injection against my will but still its just I want my frills and thrills, and pay the bills, and I can stay chill

meeting it with self reflection
for the massive deception

lectures
just wanna take a piss on em that $#%^ blows me man
I do whatever I can
to get away from them

what I was gonna say before I thought I try bei9ng poetic again that, getting stones wasnt so good for my mental health but maybe I just wont be high when dealing with their stupidity.

they would want me to be showing signs that I am becoming psychotic, but I shouldnt be fearing anything I should be trusting my goddess's will help me, but right now I high but putting the $#%^ aside coz its not that good for me...spend my money on nootroopics like ayurveda making me smarter and keeping me free of neurosis from anxiety and stress of a very deep inner world.

mind is coming back and good feelings like I knew was the antipsychotic, must be getting it out of my body pretty good or the ashwagandha and gotu kola tea is picking up my moods, and clarity of mind that is the best, I feel like my spark is coming back......

interestingly the staff see any spark as a sign the person has an illness, they lack that much objectivity that any signs of recovery of functioning to be aligning with truth and who we are normally with full capability of mind to challenge them with, any challenge is seen as an illness or something to suppress they are doing their job for social order so well that they don;t even now they are detecting symptoms from normal things, normal behaviour and have no insight into how their stupidity is disgusting and infuriating, stupid and with a delusion of grandeur, they think they are above the law and society lets them get away with it.

Just talked heaps on facebook about it, talked about how they were making me feel suicidal a while ago so good vibes upon realising emancipation and liberation of the personatily beyond their grasp in molding my reality to think I have an illness....their influence makes me think mnore then I need to, among what I pick up as the way they think about me or any person with the same label, its clear I'm known as a label.

did I say the clinician thinks that the ability to engage the mind and feel feelings agian is a sign that I need to be hospitalised, how stupid. then when I challenged her about the ability to think meaning one has an illness and she didn't respond and then I askked her again so she said she couldn't follow me, so using the label against me to ignore the point that they are full of $#%^ and need to be woken up from their deluded #######4 its really stupid and frustrating........but that was then, I'm emancipating so better things to think about, not hthinki9ng and getting into feeling good again, and clarity and integrity of intellect

maybe its the gotu kola too, so what I feel good again and my communication ability will return if not what I say is strange to the normalites, a psychiatrist interprets that as difficult to follow from their position and integrity of their own mind......hate the though disorder $#%^, I think its a sham although I know my writing can be sloppy but that was when I was dosed up on antipsychotic , I am better then that, and its about memory function, problems with that can cause fluency issues

pretty sure my IQ and intelligence has gone way up, early days too, or its about liberation or its about the tea or just false hope, I know it may seem to be , I know I haven't done a good job of presenting an improvement. Its an evolution, getting intouch with reality and my self, knowing myself and rejection of what comes from the psychiatry world, they are deception.


keen on giving up smoking cigarrettes, let go of the pot although just coming off a high I put it away so I don't s,moke it and no intention at this stage to take it up again, my mental health is priority, in spite of the vain efforts of the psychiatry world for helping my mental health,,,,,it is vital to be in my own hands and take it on in my god given right to independence of thinking feeling and being....I am my own creator for a reality that is much richer and greater then they coulld ever conceptualise while set and pre-occupied with seeing me as mentally ill and using the apparent illness a s a scape-goat for challenging behaviour, retaliation,,,they are stupid and its difficult for them to have insight to their stupidity when the whole world suckk it up their arse and $#%^...what a crock, its clear they need to wake the ###$ up...hows that for antipsychiatry

a lot of incoherance comes from the person speaking according to different perspectives of how the information may be processed by the ob server, they might be talking to other people, ,maybe they are right and go on a tangent to adress a thought the psychiatrist had, but hell the psychiatrist isn;t easy to talk to and probably lost you already so too bad no point proving you know how they see your reality. true communication and fluency comes from speaking from the heart! the heart is more powerful in energy and electrical impulse the the brain, maybe it even has similar role in the mind and consciousness....but yeah the heart is where to talk from, and then it will all make sense and the speach will be insightfull and from a place much higher on the spiritual plane and integrity in thought presentation and accuracy in the power of speech......

-- Wed May 01, 2013 4:18 pm --

they want me to be ###$ up to confirm their vision of reality that I have a mental illness.....I((m the one with the problem if I ever may challenge them

glad I have felt this buzzz!!! ###$ yeah I'm feeling real again...

my mind is crystal clear and I feel the goodness of dopamine my long lost freind

like I taken something, glad I got seraquil to get some sleep befor docs appoint tomorrow, gotta make sure those dumb ###$ don't get on my nerves, stay cool and actaully feeling optamistic

I HAVE ALL THE PROOF i NEED I WAS RIGHT THAT THE DRUGS CAUSE SO OR SO, LACK OF PLEASURE, I feel joy again, this is no joke...I know what the drugs do

I don't mind the seraquil but such a small dose the ashwaghanda tea will take privaleges to make sure I stay cool and happy as ###$, not really, I calmly happy and thinking postiive and all the $#%^ has lifted

wouldnt mind even getting a blood test to see if there is any fleupathixol in my system, if this is only the start I in for some good times and girls.,..Ifeel good about myslef.

this is living proof that antipsychotics suck $#%^ and cause a lowly kind of depression that you can't even describe and people just dont know what to say and the quacks are ignorsant smiling to themselves about treating this mentally ill person with science based medicine, and they know ###$ all about the drugs.......Ok I know I just forgot what I was talking about and in the middle I just said the next thing I thought of.....sometimes the mystery returns as to the actual reasoning and perfection that is zen that any expression of art can be beautiful if its zen




so I gotta get zen then alright! lol

-- Thu May 02, 2013 12:34 am --

###$ quakcs....the lifestyle factors of your drugs

spend less money , less cigarettes focused on goals and doing chi-gung, get ,my mental health right in spite of U dodgy #####&.......



O I( had to chill out, I was so happy about feeling good again, some are probably worse off then me and still on their drugs making them feel like $#%^ [so glad ican say that in this forum]

got my humour back, music sounds good...lifted the psychomotor retardation, now I speak from experience of having it lifted


so they might say if I feel good that means idon't have insight into suffering a mental illnes right? lol

this is funny $#%^....dumb #####&.......