Want treatment, but worried I'll be put into forced care

Ideation wrote:What does an anxiety attack feel like?

I feel my heart beating faster than normal, feel a little weak/tired, got butterflies in my stomach, feels like its hard to get a full breath, and when I do my head spins a little bit.

Ideation wrote: . . . my Veterans Affairs therapist . . . start the Bupropion again for depression etc.. . . . They upped my bupropion to the max of 450mg a day, still not much difference.

Anywho now they have flagged my status in the VA as a suicide risk (all I wanted was to talk to somebody) and now my psychiatrist wants me to come in for hospitalization, I am curious about it but leary as well. The psychiatrist was beating around the bush about my questions of how long I would be held etc.. They said just a couple days and then would be released. But they also said I have to picked up and driven there, so I am worried about that. Since they have flagged my records with the VA, it feels like they are trying to lure me in to one of the clinics so they can take me to the hospital, when I have inquired about getting seen for other medical issues.

So any thoughts about this? Also can you tell me what I might expect to happen once admitted. I really want these thoughts to go away, but I have a family to feed, and still have the demanding job. Thanks.

Hi Ideation,

You are not alone. I also am a veteran who has struggled with suicidal ideation for a very long time.

On my first admission to a VAMC Psych Ward (in the Autumn of 1992), I was placed on a section 5150, involuntary psychiatric hold, and suicidal level A. I was admitted through the ER; where they took my clothes, belt, and shoes; issued me hospital pants, gown, and slipper socks; and put a hospital ID wristband on my wrist. Then I was escorted to the top floor, and announced at the door to the Psych Ward. After I passed through the doorway, the door closed and was electronically locked behind me with an ominous click.

First day: intake interview and physical exam, blood and urine samples collected, go over the ward rules and schedule with one of the nurses.

The first few days, I was assigned to the small, narrow, sparsely furnished, single bed, suicide watch room, located near the nurses station, so the night nurses could easily do frequent bed checks on me. Later, when they needed the suicide watch room for another newly admitted patient, I was moved to one of the larger shared rooms, with a wardrobe, desk, and chair for each bed in the room.

The time to get-up in the morning was 0600 hours. Make my bed, and tend to my grooming. Then breakfast in the Dayroom, with all of the patients on the ward, while supervised by the nurses. All meals were brought up from the basement on individual trays with covered dishes (labeled with each patients name on a slip of paper) in a large closed stainless steel cart. The nurse would read off each patient's name and give them the tray with the food prescribed for them by the dietitian and/or their doctor. Except for the snack before bedtime, usually milk and cookies, or fruit. Bedtime, with lights out, was 2200 hours.

There were group therapy sessions a few times a week (not really much help). The doctor that I was assigned, only saw me a couple of times. I did not like him. In fact, I was terrified of him, which he misinterpreted as coldness and aloofness. He did not help me at all. I was not put on any meds, that I was required to take. Towards the end of my admission, I learned that there was a prescription for Ativan, that I could use if I wanted; I did not.

After three days I signed a behavioral contract promising not to "harm" myself. After which, during good weather, I was allowed off-ward for twenty minutes twice a day to get fresh air outside on the VAMC grounds with some of the other patients. During that time smokers (except those that had violated rules) were allowed to smoke a cigarette. (Since I have never been a smoker, I am not sure if they were allowed 1 or 2 cigarettes. Also, in the intervening years smoking rules have probably changed.)

Sometimes we would watch Rockford Files reruns on the TV in the Dayroom. Sometimes, we could do crafts in the tiny Craftroom, if there was someone (such as the craft volunteer, who was present only once in while) available to supervise us. I still have, and use, the leather coinpurse I made from a donated kit. In the Dayroom was a shelf with a few books that we could read, and several decks of cards. I used one of the decks to play solitaire.

Mostly, though, it was booorring. I got so bored, and agitated, that I would pace the hallways, like a caged cougar. I read everything on the bulletin boards, several times over. I felt as if I were in a jail for the "crime" of thinking unapproved thoughts.

I had a second admission in 1995, with more of the same. I lied to them, and told them that I no longer felt like killing myself (even though I was still planning to), just so that I could get discharged from the Psych Ward.

Blasted thought police! I knew that I was annoyed and irritated by my admissions to the Psych Ward; but recently I became aware of the shockingly great depth of anger that I still feel about them after twenty years.
-------------------
Ideation, you say that you have a family to feed, but how can you feed them if you kill yourself?
--------------------
So far, I am only on 75 mg per day of Bupropion, but then I only started a few months ago. I am also taking 10 mg of Citalopram. Both supplied by the VA. Maybe an addition of Citalopram would be something to ask your doctor about.

I have an appointment with my therapist, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, today.

Currently my elderly mother needs me to take care of her, so I will wait, at least, until she passes on before killing myself.