When YOU know something most people DONT.

Schizophrenia I am not saying I'm doing poorly. I am just questioning whether or not this is "chronic" and how the heck that's even determined when someone is doing perfectly fine, but has not been studied when they were clean of medications. Are they seriously just basing it off my mom, who is not on meds, because that's all they seem to have to refer to...and they've never even met her.

What does it mean when you've been stable for years, no relapses or remissions, and you can't shake the doubt that your illness is chronic?
How can a 16 year old be told she has chronic schizophrenia? How am I supposed to believe I'm schizophrenic for life when there is no proof, no test, no measurement, not even a checklist for this crap?

I do not hear voices often. If ever, it's just gibberish or a thought that seems outward or outside myself, without internal context. This is only if I am withdrawing from medication. I am wondering the nature of the sounds we hear, and if there is meaning to be derived from the visions and voices experienced. I have found that compassion is the best cure for distress. In a negative state of mind, any sort of extra-stimuli is overbearing and uncomfortable. But, when I have heard them in the past--I did not fear them, they did not frighten me and of course, I worked hard to balance them out.

The thing is, I have schizo-affective or schizophrenia. I would prefer to just call it schizophrenia but my therapist was adamant in calling it everything but schizophrenia since I have done so well over the years. I take medications: abilify and vyvanse. They both raise dopamine levels in the brain, which is contrary to thinking there is too much dopamine in schizophrenia. It's more of an imbalance. Then, what is an imbalance anyways? Schizophrenia means that you are not in sync, or are over-producing/under-producing chemicals in neurons?

I can't describe it. I know that for many years my mother has been without medication and she may also have schizophrenia. She is not mean, but highly deluded in her false beliefs. She acts as one would with dementia. There is a lot of pain and unnecessary suffering; I feel sorry for her. That she thinks we are gone already, when we are still here as her family members.

But I don't understand voices. I believe that is my worst symptom. When I go off the medication, I first feel really depressed and out of it. I have crying spells, then I go into a sort of shock. I have ringing ears, sleep paralysis, weird out of sync dreams, and then I begin to spiral into hearing voices, losing grip, concept of reality, and struggle to focus. I blank out when driving, and I make poor decisions. I fear my father, and get wrapped up on conspiracies. On high doses of stimulants, I also have had symptoms of paranoia. I think it was on Strattera or Lexapro. maybe it was Vyvanse. Now I am used to Vyvanse, it no longer affects me in such a way.

Chemistry is complex but also simple. We get adapted to certain things. For so long I have lived with the looming dread of madness hanging over my head. I see it in my mother, and I fear it for myself. I am told not to stress or worry, not to think too much about it. My dad shrugs it off when I question labels, saying they are just words to describe symptoms.

And yet....I can't seem to shake this doubt.

Voices. I've had psychic experiences. My brother was almost in jail overnight, I heard garbled speaking in a hallway, talking, then I asked immediately where he was. He was being held somewhere, he called right that second. Then I meditated on him coming home, and he came home. Humans are naturally psychic, and intuitive, we just don't realize it nor acknowledge it.

I can't tell if I can trust a voice or not. Sometimes a voice has psychic information, others if it's more direct then there's no truth to it. The indirect, is a sign of ESP or the unconscious mind at work. I learned about many things from pychometry, or reading from places/touch, people, objects.

Belief is also powerful. belief can be like a poison too, inflicting systematic fear and damage on the entirety of an individual. If you believe you have cancer and will never recover, you slight your chances of recovery by 50 percent. If you believe you are going to be ok, limit your stress, and have faith in the world around you--you will succeed. Many cancer treatments are fake, or scams and there are alternatives out there.

Believing in my mother stopped her from screaming all the time, and she went into the most remission she can be at, from me praying for her and spending time with her, talking and putting faith and love into our relationship. Now, she never forgets to say she loves me when she leaves to go somewhere. I have almost healed her in a sense, just by loving her despite everything that's happened, all the pain and hurt and suffering.

I try to ask my voices answers, but on medication they are turned off completely. Off of them, I got the correct answer to a Spanish Quiz question. In the past, I was so psychic that I Aced everything without trying.

I don't NEED to be psychic. Because I have evolved beyond being dependent on psychic powers. If you are dependent on being psychic, you are more prone to schizophrenia because of the stress it weighs on your brain, it's over-activating a new area of the brain, that is misunderstood and a secret gift that should only be used as a tool for good.

I've also trained myself to counter-balance dark forces. Spiritual forces.

But I am not inclined to magic or paganism, I am more into ritual, Buddhism, and Shamanism. The call of knowledge is almost painful. My yearning to understand is unquenchable. I have had to learn to step back, and be patient. Learning is knowledge, the act of processing information is the act of recognizing how to know.

Losing my mind made me sad. I literally lost my conscience for awhile, and I would have done anything to gain it back. IN that journey I learned how much strife, madness, pain, and grief went into evolution of the psyche.

Which is why I need to know. I need to learn. Psychiatry is not teaching me anything anymore. It is not teaching me a good voice from a bad voice, or a positive experience over a negative one. It is not teaching me how to grow, move on, move forward, or overcome my illness.
Drugs are the only solution. Much like an addict seeks heroin to solve his ache and grief, I seek psychiatry to solve my broken past, my humanity is almost the very sin I am cursed with to need this weapon of survival.

Could I ever come clean of such drugs? I am a dependent upon a system of drugs to make me function in the world. I take stimulants to focus, drive, and it helps tremendously, but it is not the answer to my problems.

I am so used to having a pill be the answer to everything, I don't think I could break my own conditioning. Schizophrenia is the worst kind of conditioning. Because while most of the pills made me worse, Risperdal even made me so psychotic I became homicidal, or tried to run the car into a tree when I was in the passenger seat. I was ON risperdal at the time.

Is there a way out of the never-ending cycle of fear, coercion, and denial?
Do I truly "need" medication for the rest/indefinitely for the rest of my life? How can I be the one to make decisions now, if they weren't made then?

Am I truly a schizophrenic, or schizo-affective? Is there really something "wrong" with my brain chemistry, if I can handle these drugs....or has Abilify fixed me so well that I can handle it. At the highest dose, 30 mgs, I feel fine...just...even the pills I take make me question whether I need them or not. After about a week, a new reality sets in. It used to be months before my symptoms returned. I feel like more-so I am just tweaking my brain chemistry, and through tweaking it I keep it in over-drive, and I'm not helping myself out at all.

can't believe people buy into thie idea that psychiatrists are the authority in knowing about chemical imbalances and how the drugs correct an imbalance. Their knowledge doesn't go any further then a layman or patients knows about it, it just sounds right and clever but hardly truth.....you didn't say about psychiatrist but you've found that the meds balance brain chemicals?

I agree with what you saying about how can a 16yearold be told they have chronic schizophrenia, or anyone for that matter when they can have periods of recovery off the medications, infact more recover without meds then the 5percent who can on meds yet they are reliant on drugs. sEems psychiatrist actually do very little for possible recovery since most of the people who go off meds when they are ready will recover superiour to any drug intervention and find stability....did you say why would you worry if its chronic schizophrenia when you recovered, how much of this thinking that is destructive originates from psycho-education and being convinced you are schizophrenic and never told you can have extended periods of wellness and recover without them making false suggestions

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder and trialled me on dexamphetamine.I seemed to be of benefit at first.

Later my psychologist suggested it could be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of a near fatal work accident 8 years previous.That made much more sense to me.

Still my psychiatrist says the stimulants are used to treat PTSD.It doesn't make sense as my adrenals were already in a state of hyper-vigilance.The stimulants just seemed to make me more anxious and prone to trigger.

I am not happy with that and have stopped his medication.Also my ex GF is on the dexamphetamine and I have seen her aggressiveness and anxiety which I believe is caused by the medication.It's tragic as we really loved each other but she pushed me away.

I am moving towards the holistic approach including naturopath,nutrition,psychology and self development.It's my choice to make as it is my health but it seems some want to play GOD and make us guinea pigs in their profits.

Sounds like you are doing well considering and I agree with you on the beliefs etc.A favourite of mine is Joseph Clough who does a lot of free stuff.We are worth it and keep giving yourself and loved ones unconditional love.All the best.