failing delusions about spiriual victory over pharmakia

as my title suggests I began on fighting influencial forces like attack and intrusion through psycho-education and dealing with psychiatrists and suffered symptoms of suicide from influence of my case manager especially. like I began to identify the influence with astral imagery.

anyhow I started calling angels again and found relief with Ma'at egyptial goddess of truth and justice, a nights or so later I tried to communcate to other angels by taking as many as possible to my clinic at night when I tried to sleep. I was buzzing for justice yet calm and more calculated to any angry intentions and let them help make entities out of my file and many formed including one about 100ft tall

then shadows formed in the reception bay and an angel in green in a halway

doen't know who any of the angels involved were

now there is a green and yellow vortex where the shadows were.

hoping something happens with this I started having visions of them on the astral realm but I had dominance and started conversing with them as lowers, one was hysterically crying the other was just ###$ up and some seemed to be in really bad places, some seemed fine.

talked to my case manager today and she made me feel suicidal again, so I got stoned




###$ the increase in meds ###$ me up
but faught it when it was bad and toungue twitches associated to tardive psychosis or something, it was totally weird then I realized it was like a psych attack to make me schizophrenic or like their delusions about how I oporated ...coz this state of mind was cliche schizophrenic for an intense moment [tongue twitches] panic attack...this really can;t be good at all, totally ###$ in the head and spinnin out, going in waves.

like I faught it off pretty good remembering to breath

totally got rid of it somehow with understanding it is pharmakia and maybe a higher power could make me immune and felt totally healed

there might have been some love in it, coz I told a spiritual friend about whats going on and she sent me some angels, didn't see them but maybe they have been there?

Thats actually pretty normal for me, I can deal with it


they had expectations or something, strange people thought I had deteriorated around my living standards...have tried to explain that actually had much better enthusiasm for house cleaning and even transcendent episodes about hygene to point of obsessive and highly sensitive to smells

reconnecting with me seemed to make them feel better in the visions

they actually visited me but two of the good case workers that don't used the drug $#%^ and mental illness bulshit all the ######6 time.

my case manager called me today and yeah ###$ me up again, but the vortex grew in intensity

don;t know what it really means or what it represents

I just wanna feel alright they make me feel like $#%^

can't even get a straight story as to why they wanted to increase my meds. and my mental health is worse since as I could have guessed anyway, they just want to dumb me down and make out like I was pre-occupied with things to do with my treatment or I talk about things they don't want me to. They get some fantasy about worry and needing to increase my medication.

speculations of deterioration in how I keeping my personal space since I have explained deterioration from the effects of the drugs. more importantly is nobody has even witnessed my space to know there is any change which there hasn't been.

one excuse was that I was increasingly disorganised in my thinking which is a crock I have been explaining how the drugs affect my mind and they make out like its the illness. And the psychiatrists like to pick up on this topic jumping, what they ###$ I got a lot to say about my situation so If I brought a massive list of topics I wanted to bring up and maybe give them time for a response, problem is I don't get a valid response to anythinng so I bring up my next topic, suck ass and the latest meeting I had been using sarcosine and there was no topic jumping with the right attitude making the psychiatrist nervous and on the spot that she couldn't answer any of my questions and reverted back to medications and mental illness stuff, so infact they were the ones going on a tangent to talk about something the drug industry told them.

perhaps the most accurate and actually latest excuse is that its becuase I was increasingly pre-occupied, I have been writing letters to consumer relations and they haven't even bothered to read it . I have a lot to say about my circumstances....they think with increasing my dose to dumb down that $#%^ about expressing dissatisfaction toward the service and psychiatry. Then whats left, they think I could move on to something more meaningfull yet they show little consideration to what I bring up that is of meaning to me, they just see it as a problem that the drugs will sort out and no can't move on to anything else because the drugs have ruined most of what is me

this increase in meds has really ###$ me up.

can't even write on here or anywhere else about my experience, they said I was too pre-occupied and one excuse to put my dose up, but now I have nothing left, writing about it wass one of the only things left of me now what is left?

they must think its good, like a sign I can move on to something else but the drugs haven't left me anything I used to be passionate about, and now i used to be passionate about shedding some light on my treatment and case.

so they defeat me with the drugs

back to the delusion
I took Archangel raphael to the clinic to see my file and then the best I could to the homes of my treating team and he charged them with something..

they are probably too caught up in their illusions of mental illness and caught up on the material plane to witness what I bring to them...hope it breaks through and I feel confident some $#%^ is going to happen

the increase has made it impossible to think laterally, there is no depth in my cognitive function

can't see that I will even use this site anymore

Razael wrote:the increase has made it impossible to think laterally, there is no depth in my cognitive function

can't see that I will even use this site anymore

The increase in meds can't take away the memory of the ability to think laterally, with depth in cognitive function. I remember when I went to the museum of natural history on ######6 Zyprexa and expected to get that feeling of awe and wonder that combined with my ideas on things looking at the exhibits and nothing. The memory of how I could should think feel remained.They can never take that.

I think the meds in most do take away the memory of what they are capable of, they get taught what it means to be schizophrenic and they accept the influence of psychiatry on how they view themselves and distort reality. the med make the pycho-education easier and as i always said make one passive as hell to it. even the awareness thats the $#%^ thats going down

a pagan friend ha introduced me to Justitia....don;t know much about her then her honor is put in statues outside courthouses.

I am having visions of her with her scales, but I dont know whether it is a false vision.

wonder what she can do for the situation, her scales tiped heavy over my file I introduce from a different point in time, I hope that she can follow the leads to find the whole source and judge their practices. I want it to spread throughout the world if I find success, or ping it somehow with my intentions that must be pure, as I could be selfish to want to destroy psychiatry or have it wake up to reality and stop feeding pharmaceutical revenue. There is no justice in forced psychiatric treatments its all up to a dodgy drug dealer that passes you off for digging into their practices enough to get you on a higher dose of their $#%^.

maybe I should be looking into themis

anyone else know of gods of justice?

my case manager has stopped pulling her usual display of empathy and communicating with these two faces, one is with her teeth showing "well thats not really how we think about things around here" she hasn't pulled that $#%^ on me...

the student quack I had today after letting them kknow I was doing a new ritual called the "lesser banishing Ritual of the pentagram" or did I already say. He said he has smoked pot before! but he generally a nice guy just he picked up on disorganisation in my communication that I thought was rather fluent, except for bringing up that the others have said I jump topic and what is all this about.

I think whatever I say that goes over their head they say is though disorder or am I wrong?
my memory in speech definitely isn;t as good and oppression from subtle mind invasive techniques of psycho-education reflecting in the way or confidence I have with my self exploration of topics around my mental illnesss.

-- Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:48 pm --

its a no I don;t like that face, she has other variations but think I got to her and she doesn't do it anymore.

they are still dipshits though