It seems like they want me to lose control

Sometimes it seems like my psychs want me to lose control so they can have control over my life. I warned them while I still had a job how much I was struggling. I was offered drugs that would make performance working at walmart difficult. I even tried it and it didn't work. I lost my job and am now in a shelter. I tried to hell them how I'm having trouble with selfcontrol staying there because it triggers my anger, the response to me was to try to cope with it to go into a housing unit where they can monitor me. I'm trying. I really am. I usually just run from my situation. It allows me to learn from my mistakes and start over.

Yeah, its a long hard battle, but its helped me better than anything else. Running also keeps me violence free, and has for years. My life and my quality of life has been spiraling out of control ever since my mom and that situation, and worse since I left. Yes. But that's because I never learned to be an adult, nor to cope with my emotions (only how to deal with others nicer). I never learned to grow thicker skin. I'm trying to do these. My developing social skills was a hardwon fight, but I got there the very way they say was obsessive and harmful to me.

I want to just runaway, but its the middle of winter and they know they have me by the balls. I want to go some place far away. To start over. I strongly feel this way now more than ever. I fear leaving and messing up and getting sanctioned by DSS. And with all this fear running in me, they wonder why I'm stressed out?

It sometimes seems like they'd love for me to lose control. They tell me "you have good selfcontrol you can do it", "you just need to think positively" (yeah... even about being homeless), etc... I can't take this! I really can't! I'm about ready to bug out. No, not go insane, its a survivalist term. It means for me to retreat into the woods and live primatively because I can't cope.

Sorry about the rant.

motionissue wrote: I tried to hell them how I'm having trouble with selfcontrol staying there because it triggers my anger, the response to me was to try to cope with it to go into a housing unit where they can monitor me. I'm trying. I really am. I usually just run from my situation. It allows me to learn from my mistakes and start over.

When you can head south, its so much easyer to live in a place thats warm and sunny year round. You can go outside and walk to the beach every day or what ever.

Southern Florida, S California or any state boardering the Gulf of Mexico I guess.

Copy_Cat wrote:

motionissue wrote: I tried to hell them how I'm having trouble with selfcontrol staying there because it triggers my anger, the response to me was to try to cope with it to go into a housing unit where they can monitor me. I'm trying. I really am. I usually just run from my situation. It allows me to learn from my mistakes and start over.

When you can head south, its so much easyer to live in a place thats warm and sunny year round. You can go outside and walk to the beach every day or what ever.

Southern Florida, S California or any state boardering the Gulf of Mexico I guess.

I was thinking that or the southwest.