Psych wants me to eat - tips how to? *maybe triggering*

Some of you may know me from the Cutting and Self-Harm forums, but for all others, brief intro:
I've struggled with S/H (self-harm) since I was about 4/5, and have struggled with anorexia since I was 14. I didn't even know that anorexia was a condition until I was in my 20s. Current diagnosis of complex PTSD and ocd, and previous diagnosis of chronic morbid depression,, and anorexia.

Been really good with the anorexia for the last year, edited was managing to eat daily, even the occasional lunch and breakfast. Forced myself to eat for the longest time to get well, but am back to not eating at all. Haven't eaten anything in the last week. Problem with this is, I know it's a vicious cycle, been there before, and have gone many times before not eating for weeks on end. Fainted 3 times in the last couple of days.

Thing is, my psych wants me to eat. I don't want to eat although I do (on a rational level). I want to have enough strength to get through this stressful period of time in my life, but at the same time, I don't want to eat because not-eating has always been in my mind the only valid way to commit suicide (crazy, I know - what difference is there between dying of malnutrition and normal suicide??? There isn't any, but not eating feels an ok way to go). Also, hunger pains are comforting to me, my psych thinks it's just another way to self-harm. There has always been an aspect of feeling fat/obese edited and apparently I looked like a concentration camp victim and my doctor was telling me that if I didn't put on weight she'd hospitalise me against my will and should've already put me in hospital but hadn't because of me having kids, which forced me to start eating because I didn't want to go to hospital (because of my kids).

A friend said to me today that I've lost a heap of weight in the last couple of weeks but that he hadn't wanted to say anything. I don't know 'cause it's hard to see with myself, I can't trust my own perception of my body-weight unless I'm looking at a pair of scales, and I don't want to do that because then it becomes a number's game towards loosing more, scales is one of my triggers.

I don't know how I'm going to eat. The thought of food makes me feel sick and want to cry at the same time. And I like the way hungry makes me feel. But that's not healthy and considering the fact that I want to be a good mother, I have to eat, for their sakes at least.

How do I get from here to there though? How do I force myself to eat when it is the last thing I want to do? It's easy for my psych to say, "well think of your kids" and I do, I feel really guilty when I don't eat, but it's like soooo hard to actually put eating into action.

Any tips? Hints? How do you make yourself eat?

Hi there

I'm going through in some ways a similar thing in the sense i haven't been eating for a week or so and i just can't seem to - and don't want to.

I am an English teacher (to foreign students) and in the last few weeks i have been trying to help myself through my teaching. I say this because you've got kids. It's just a thought, i don't even know if it work for me but i'm teaching the kids about food and food groups etc. It's something i always do but rather than do it just through games i'm doing it with the use of "real food"

We had a "taste test" in the kitchen where we tried a tiny tiny bit of many different foods with many different flavours. We used all the senses to touch, smell, taste, and see the food. "for fun" the children chose one thing each to give to me.

Because it was in a fun environment and it was tiny tiny things like half a strawberry or 1 square of chocolate i was able to eat it.

Then we made a drawing of a fruit bowl with many different types of fruit. Afterwards we each chose 1 fruit each to eat right there and then. Again i tried to put myself in a situation where i HAD to eat something. I created the situation myself but in a safe way as it was just fruit.

Today we are going to make prints with different fruit and then make salt dough hearts in preparation for mothers day. Tomorrow with another group we are going to make faces with fruit and vegetable.

Even if it is hard to eat i am enjoying coming into contact with food and seeing it's vesitility and how i am starting to enjoy being around it. I hope it will help me change my attitude towards food.

For me food is not necessarily about numbers and calories but linked to emotions and being "full" Feeling empty feels like there is less inside. And vomiting anything that is inside of me feels good like i am getting rid of the bad things inside.

I don't think it's particulary helpful of your therapist to say "eat for the kids" of course you want to be there for them but it's about you at the moment. But maybe if you can manage some creative activities with them around food they could help you find a fun part of your self.

Another thing i personally have found is that for some reason i can accept soy/rice/oat milk inside my body without feeling bad. Therefore thanks also to the suggestions of others on this site i have started to put nutritional powders in them. Like this i am getting some nutrition without feeling full or guilty. I am blending and making my own fruit smoothies and thin soups. Like this i also know exactly what is in them and know that they can give me some strength too.

Hope this may be of a little help. I'm sorry you are going through a bad time at the moment. Keep posting xxx

Hi Chicken,

*hugz* What a rough spot to be in

The only suggestion I can make to you is to try getting calories and nutrition with liquids. Skydancer already mentioned smoothies and milks with powders in them. It's a good starting point.

I think you'd benefit from seeing a nutritionist who specializes in working with ED patients. They understand the challenges of re-feeding and can work through your food anxieties while doing the menu planning.

Best of luck Chicken, and welcome to the ED forum.

Thank you SkyDancer and LadySwan for your imput.

I kind of ate this morning by drinking a protein shake. I handled that ok, although did feel sick. But think I'm going to try doing that at least once a day so at least I'm getting something into me.

Take very small portions and work your way back up to normal portions. I had to do this in my recovery. Recovery is hard, I'll be honest, because your stomach stretches. It is too much stress on your stomach to go from eating nothing for weeks, to normal amounts (for the average person). So you have to take baby steps.

Just an example... Feel free to use it, though. Try at first to eat one small [healthy] snack a day at lunch time, for one week. It could be nuts, an apple, carrots... Whatever. Just don't eat something that is super strong. After a week of doing that, start eating a small snack at breakfast time, as well as the lunch time that you had been doing previously, for one week. Examples could be grapes, an apple, etc. The next week you keep doing the previous, and then eat a small snack at dinner time. Again, something healthy and easy on your stomach. Do this for two weeks. After that, your stomach should be gradually stretching, giving you minimal pain. Keep doing this pattern, but eating more amounts each cycle, until you are eating normal again. It'll take about 12 weeks, but it's much better for you than jumping back into normal eating habits.

I hope that helps. Good luck. Stay safe!

Wow allalone.

That's great advice. I think it can help me too so thanks

Chicken. How are you doing? Are you managing to eat a little?

Big hugs

Glad I could help, skydancer!

Yeah, how are you doing Chicken?

Hey, sorry guys I haven't replied, or gotten on some of your guys threads, I've been so exhausted all I can do lately is lay on the couch and do the basics for my kids but I just can't seem to do anything extra, I don't know if it's depression again, or the fact that I'm just not eating, or what, I'm just so tired all the time and want to sleep all the time even when I just can't sleep no matter how hard I try.

I did manage to eat a couple of french fries today when I took my kids out, but then I felt so physically and mentally awful for hours afterwards. Going to try to make a smoothie tonight and drink that.

All your ideas are great! It's good to get support somewhere where people can actually understand what one is going through (eating wise) and not get the usual, "Just eat something!!!" or, "I wish I was like you!" and you think, well, it's not quite so easy, I'm trying, and you really don't wish you were like me. I was supposed to go to an ED clinic a number of years ago after child-protection got involved (I was in a violent marriage and they were not only concerned about the violence but also about the fact that I just wasn't eating and was severely depressed) and was pregnant at the time (don't ask me how I fell pregnant, I didn't even think it was possible at the time because I hadn't had a period in so long), but my ex wouldn't let me go to the clinic nor see a nutritionist, and after I left him was supposed to go to another ED clinic in another area, but never ended up doing it because had to move yet again because he'd found me (again). Might talk to my psych about seeing an ED nutritionist about it.

Great job eating day!
I think it's a really good idea to start seeing an ED nutritionist. Having people who understand what you are going through, tremendously helps someone get through that place.

Keep us updated!

Hi Chicken,

Congrats on eating

It sounds like you're getting to a place where you are willing to access any kind of treatment that will help. That's very good. I hope that you continue do think this way, because all those little successes add up over time.