Eh (trigger?)

My parents are making me go to therapy. My first meeting with her is at 7:45 tonight...

I don't want to stop. I do, but I don't. I hate myself so much...

My skin is yellow. My hands shake and are always cold. I'm constantly fatigued, and my hair is thinning. The only reason I have a period is because I'm on birth control. I have blue-purple circles beneath my eyes. I find it difficult to stand for more than an hour. I can't concentrate enough to do simple math in my head. My hips are edited...and still, I don't want to stop.

I know I should. I know I have to. But I can't. I tried, and it lasted a week before I relapsed, because I had gained three pounds and felt horrible.

Every night, I toss and turn and fall asleep to a voice calling me a "fat cow with no self control" because I'd binged on ice cream or a few marshmallows. I cut myself...I lay on my floor and stare at the wall because I feel too inadequate to do anything else. I have nearly fainted in the middle of the hallway and had to inconvenience someone to get the school nurse for me. I'm nothing but a burden to everyone...My parents have to take time out of their night because they feel I should go to therapy.

I'm beyond therapy at this point...

You are going to a therapy. It's going to be a long road with many ups and downs, but you do have hope. It seems there are people who care about you, and I wish for you you will also appreciate yourself one day.

Hi vladtepes,

It sounds like you're very hard on yourself. Anorexia is hard on a person because it eventually gets a person to tear their self down.

Whatever the anorexia is telling you, you are not a burden to everyone. For most people, taking that few minutes to care for someone is less taxing than ignoring someone in need. People are wired to care for one another and you are just as deserving of some of that love & attention as the next person.

Please try to take care of yourself as much as you can, and keep writing. Thinking of you.

There is always hope, don't give up.
I went through recovery and its been 3 months since I go out, I still struggle a lot but it'll be okay.

You have to keep pushing yourself, and slipping up isn't bad just gotta try again.

If you go to therapy maybe you could find a support group so you can talk to more people going through the same that you are.

~Aoi Hana