Just can't eat (triggering)

Hi

Nothing new. I'm sure there has been a million posts over the last year with the same issue. For me it is new and scarey because it is really spiralling out of control. EVERYTHING is spiralling out of control.

I seem to bounce from bulimia to anorexia with tiny periods of being ok and eating almost normally. My poor body is so confused.

I'm trying to get over many bad things that happened in the past. I've been seeing a therapist for more than 2 years now. I think we are getting somewhere. Now is the moment when things are being addressed. Where i have had the courage to speak for the first time about my past. I have confronted the person who hurt me the most a few months ago and it went really badly.

I hate myself. For being a victim then and being a victim now as i can't seem to let the past fade away in the past and get on with the future which holds so much joy and possibilities.

I've worked so hard to escape from the bad people, the whole country and start a new. Now i'm working in another country and I love my work, i've learnt a new language and a new culture and made a few new friends. I've met a lovely man who i trust and who doesn't insist that we do anything together that i don't feel comfortable with. All is well in the present.

My therapist is great ... so why on some level do i went to self sabbotage???

At the beginning 23 years ago now when i was 11 i was anorexic. I went from chubby to stick thin with hardly any energy just to wake up in the morning. It was at a similar time the abuse started. A bit after i think and i just wanted to be invisible or be so ghastly that they would leave my body alone. After sometime i started eating again because i wanted to dance, i wanted to be a dancer and i didn't have the energy to dance for hours each day so i started eating a little but then purged everything because it felt so wrong. For years and years and years i was bulimic. Would try to purge practically everything, and then when i wanted to get better i tried just purging half etc. I never binged. Just couldn't stand anything at all in my body.

Since i've been in the other country i've had bad periods but also periods where i've eaten healthily and almost normally, always with many many rules but eating nethertheless.

A month ago i had a gastrovirus where i had severe diahorrea and vomit. It was horrible at the time but to feel so so empty again started this latest cycle of absolute nothingness in the body.

If i do eat even just a tiny bit of yoghurt or banana my stomach hurts SOOOOOO much, cramps that double me up, plus my mind has been triggered. Slowly i am losing the want to eat whereas before i wanted to eat, i was hungry at the beginning but just denied myself food. Now it HURTS to eat and it makes me feel sick to eat and so so so so guilty. There's obviously a part of me that wants to go down this route again but there;s a part of me that wants to remain healthy and not sacrifice all that i've worked so hard to build.

I've made a new rule ... to drink ... including soya or oat milk. That seems to be ok for the body and the mind. Maybe i can add a little banana or some cocoa powder to get some nutrients. Any ideas?

Not sure if i have some sort of bug that is making things more difficult. I mean that as well as the problems in the mind the stomach ache is connecting to a virus or intestinal problem and not just eating disorders.

Don't know.

Hi Skydancer,

Welcome to the forum!

It's good that you're seeing a therapist and feel it's going well. Has it made a difference with your anorexia?

You're going to need to see a doctor about not being able to eat without being physically ill. Although some people suffer from high anxiety levels which cause this type of reaction, it can also mean something is seriously wrong physically.

If it's not a physical problem (and you'll need to talk to a doctor to find out) and you still can't handle solids, I suggest you make smoothies or any kind of liquid drink that you can fit extra nutrients into. They're easier on the stomach and can be versatile.

I understand what you mean about being a victim. After a while it seems like we become our own abuser through the actions of eating disorder. It's frustrating because we know it causes harm, but are unable to stop.

Keep posting, and I hope this message finds you well. Take care.

Try multivitamin shakes, protein shakes, smoothies; make them nice and thin so you can drink them without too much of a problem. I used to drink multivitamin shakes for breakfast with bananas in them before I relapsed...Too many calories for me...

I'd be careful about adding fruit to your drinks, since they're kinda solid and you might end up hurting yourself. Start with adding powders that easily dissolve. I really recommend a shake that's specifically multivitamin rather than a random smoothie, since they're designed to have the proper nutrients. The only thing is, you might have to drink them often, since they don't have much fiber in them (at least not the ones I had).

And good luck! It really sucks not to be able to eat anything whatsoever...

thanks for the replies ladyswann and Wispy. I think emotionally i really needed someone to replyto feel that someone is out there and cares (and understands)

I ate today and almost immediately i vomited. Without inducing it. Not sure what's going on and still trying to understand if it is physical or emotional.

Problem is i'm living in a foreign country and still haven't got residency. Therefore i haven't got any access to free healthcare etc.

Trying to be strong and fight. Don't want to go back to where i was before, yet i know that it's heading that way. Not sure who's stronger at the moment. I hope me. Fingers crossed. I hate to read about others that are so desperate or having setbacks. I feel so compassionate towards them, but towards myself many negative feelings.

Oh well ...

Is there a free clinic or subsidized doctor you can visit? Your health is really important.

Yes, I'm very hard on myself while being compassionate to others as well. It's like we're blind to see how much love we need, or find reasons to deny ourselves the standard of care we expect others to have.

Hang in there.

i think tomorrow if the wind dies down i'll go to the open doctor and just pay for a consultation and see what he says. Hopefully it shouldn't be too expensive!!!

Just worried that if he wants me to have tests / analysis it could be a long and costly road and money is something that is not in abundance in my life,

I am thinking that maybe it is purely emotional and if i can carry on with the Therapist who is amazing things can be resolved a little. But maybe there is not enough time to work through everything before i lose too much weight.

This therapist has helped me for free for more than 2 years. Even when i paniced and returned to my own country we had appointments most week on Skype. I wouldn't be here without her for sure. She's helping to turn my life around and in turn i hope to help others - children - as it seems my gift is with them. I can relate to them. My creativity that i used to escape when i was a children when everything was too difficult and painful takes us all (in class) to different worlds that are safe, fun and educational.

I so want to get better. I am getting married in 5 months. I am hoping that i have reached a point where i can go forward with this amazing man, rather than always back back back in the past. I am scared it is too quick. Or i am just doing it to feel "normal"

I think he is the right person and i know he does love me and i think i love him. I don't really know because i don't really know properly how to love men. But i'm trying.

I think this is why i'm having a relapse with food. I can't absorb anything else. Too much is going on and things are getting out of control. The virus helped me to begin again. Now i can't stop.

Too much conflict. I don't want anything inside me, yet i don't want to get ill and ruin everything. My body is strong at the moment. There is still time. But now it's been too long that nothing stays inside.

I hope your visit with the doctor goes well, skydancer. It sounds like you could use some kind of extra help right now. There might be a medicine you can take to ease the anxiety or increase your appetite as well.

Congrats on the upcoming marriage! Getting married is a very big thing. How are you coping with the stress from that?

Take care.

Hi LadySwan

I haven't been to the doctor's yet. Bit scared.

I ate today and now i'm just trying to pass the time to let something digest instead of purging it all. Very difficult. I feel absolutely disgusting for eating and it's coming back up by itself.

Would be good if i could just keep this one thing down and give me strength for a 12 hour working day tomorrow.

The marriage is 2 sided. One one hand i am very excited. On the other i am petrified. There are many things i still don't "feel" so it's difficult to understand what's going on emotionally. I feel bad because my future husband doesn't really know me at all and i know that i should be up front with him about some stuff before we get married but i feel too dirty and ashamed. He has no idea. And i have no idea how i can share a house with him and be with him as a couple.

Anyway ...

I hope i can keep this food down, i think my body really needs it.

Thanks for your concern

Hi skydancer,

Good to hear you managed to eat something today. I do hope you were able to keep it down. Even if you didn't, at least you tried right?

If you can find a way to address your concerns to your fiancé before you get married it might take some of the stress off you, even if it is really scary at first. The secrets and guilt surrounding them sound really significant in your life atm.

Hope you're doing ok.

i kept down most of it.

Today i have eaten 2 strawberries, half an apple and a fat free yogurt. I tried a smoothie but i felt too guilty and had to bring it back up again.

Today has been difficult, it's the day i go to see the psychologist. We're starting to get to some deep stuff so it's always difficult to get motivated to both eat and work afterwards. Mind you working is good in a way otherwise i would just just want to sink deeper and deeper into the duvet and never want to wake again.

Same by fiance tonight for a little while. He touched my hair and hugged me. I cried in his arms because i so badly want to tell him some stuff. But the tears were silent. I still can't share them with him. Maybe soon. It needs to be soon.

Why can't i just be normal ??? and be able to touch him and express the love that is so deep inside me. Many doors are opening, but still not that one.

Slowly slowly. But i AM going forward, even if on the eating side things are sliding a bit. I feel sad but positive at the same time. One day i will live truly in the present without a thought of the past. I don't want to be a victim and i won't be forever

Hope everyone has someone to love and be loved by. And i hope everyone here has at least glimpses of what it's like to dance in the sunshine xxx