Met a girl, need advice

Hello all,

I know this is a long post but I would greatly appreciate you considering it and sharing advice.

So I've recently met a girl (we're both in our early 20's) and we seem to have hit it off nicely.

However, she revealed to me rather quickly that she has struggled with an eating disorder for which she has spent some significant time at in-patient facilities. This is in addition to some other abuses in her past that I believe have emotionally scarred her somewhat. I should say that while she hinted at these things first, I have personally had some episodes of minor depression and nagging anxiety in the past. I am not a stranger to the mind and let her know that I was open to listening and would not judge her, hoping that this would help diminish her nervousness. I know I wish I had somebody to listen and help me feel normal back then, and want to do the same for her

She spoke to me very level-headed, not an emotional mess, more of just a fair warning. She's currently seeing a therapist and dietitian, and describes herself as doing much better than 6-8 months ago, gaining weight and feeling better, but not out of the woods yet.

Here's my predicament: is this an appropriate time for her to start forming relationships, and for me to pursue one with her? I know in my worst days that I was not fit for a relationship (and foolishly thought one would come along that would help SAVE me) and looking back know I needed to get my head right before getting involved.

I'm not familiar with the complexities of eating disorders. In her stage, is a guy who would help to reinforce her something good? Or do you recommend that she fully heal first? Does a guy showing serious interest make her fear gaining weight past her current point? My absolute worst fear is getting further involved and then having the relationship go sour, giving her a setback. I like to throw caution to the wind in relationships because you can't worry about the future, but obviously this is a bit different. I will say her parent and friends have been encouraging her to date (don't know about her therapist, haha).

We seem to get along great, similar senses of humor and intelligence, conversations for hours and she says that she is much more comfortable with me than any guys in the past, and vice versa, that most guys have bolted after she told them what she told me. I don't want to be that guy, and that's mainly because I really like who she is, but I do want to be responsible. In researching I see that eating disorders are absolutely nothing to mess around with, need to be healed as quickly as possible, and my greatest concern is her long-term best interest.

Hi Txguy22,

What a lucky girl! I think it's really fortunate she's met someone as considerate as you.

In treatment I've always been advised to avoid entering new relationships. She's 6-8 months in recovery now so I'm not sure if she's being told the same thing. This one is probably best left up to her and her therapist to discuss (while hopefully keeping you in the loop). Recovery is very individual and triggers are personal as well.

Sorry I can't be more helpful!
Best wishes.

I read your post and think that it was very thoughtful. I have nearly a year of recovery and am still not read for a relationship but i really had to be honest with myself to come to that conclusion.My best advice would be to listen to youre gut. Obviously there is some hesitation or you would not have asked the question. Every situation is different but i believe that life sometimes whispers the answers to us.If you are serious about pursuing something with this young lady you should give it time and proceed with caution. Be a friend first and support her recovery. Recovery from an eating disorder, just like any addiction can be a roller coaster. There are always hidden triggers and the stress of a relationship can be hard on both parties.

Txguy22- I agree with ladyswan that you're considerate to be thinking this way.

Here's my predicament: is this an appropriate time for her to start forming relationships, and for me to pursue one with her? I know in my worst days that I was not fit for a relationship (and foolishly thought one would come along that would help SAVE me) and looking back know I needed to get my head right before getting involved.

Maybe you should talk to her about this instead..... You said she was level-headed when she told you about her problems. She is obviously self aware of her issues. And eating disorders can come and go throughout a lifetime. Me and my bf discuss my ED when we need to. When I'm well, he does little things to let me know he's happy. He is patient when we eat together and I am slow, and he doesn't make a big deal when I obsess over which cutlery I use (although if I take too long he shifts me along so I don't fall into OCD) And when I get triggered or I struggle with eating he tells me when he's getting worried and listens to what I say too. It just becomes another thing between us as simple as deciding what movie we should go and see. My ED is part of who I am & I dont know if I'll ever fully recover from it, but he says he likes who I am. I could deal with it without him just as well, but he takes me with all my faults and my ED is one of them.

Your girl probably has the same fears as you and it would probably help if you both talked about it rather than both worrying over the same things alone. Only she can know if she's ready for a relationship or not, as there is no appropriate time.

I'm not familiar with the complexities of eating disorders. In her stage, is a guy who would help to reinforce her something good? Or do you recommend that she fully heal first? Does a guy showing serious interest make her fear gaining weight past her current point? My absolute worst fear is getting further involved and then having the relationship go sour, giving her a setback. I like to throw caution to the wind in relationships because you can't worry about the future, but obviously this is a bit different.

I've been living with an eating disorder for 13 years (I'm 19 now) and I can't answer any of those questions for you. Every situation is different. Triggers are different for everyone. There are good parts about being alone with an ED and there are bad parts. Just as there are good and bad parts to being in a relationship when you have an ED. There is no way of knowing whether it will make her eating disorder worse or if she will continue to recover. The only universal trigger for any mental illness is stress. I spiral so quickly when I get stressed. But stress can come from different places for different people. Personally as long as I am settled I am fine. As soon as I start worrying about things, my OCD kicks in and eating is an effort. My bf spots when this is happening and points it out to me before it gets too bad. It's no different to how I notice when he is upset and do something to help. The only difference is we both know when I go downhill I hit the ground harder. But the process is the same. But stress can be caused for anyone by springing something on them. Don't decide all of this alone and then tell her, because it is very difficult for someone with a mental illness to process a lot of information like that at once. That's why you should talk to her about it. Ask her how she feels. Ask her if she thinks it could work. Take things slowly. Go on dates without labeling them. Don't just go up and spring all this on her because for a stable minded person, that is nerve-making/stressful/worrying but for someone with a mental illness it could cause them to spiral very quickly. I cannot stress enough that you should communicate.

You can't decide this alone without talking to her. You obviously like her/falling in love to even be here asking this question. Everything you say is about her best interest and nothing about you apart from that you like her. But what do you want? All you talk about is to protect her, but your interests are important as well. Does she know any of this?