Can't move on

I fantasize all the time about being at my lowest weight again. Even though I was afraid for my health, I felt sort of invincible and that nothing bad could happen to me. In a way, it was the happiest I ever was. Being thin and liking how I look is sadly the most important thing I hold onto in my life. It's like a shield. When I gain weight I feel very vulnerable.

I've felt incapacitated ever since I started recovery. I thought I would grow accustomed to it after a while but I am getting more and more depressed as the days go by. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to wear nice clothes anymore. I don't want anyone to see me or make any remark about noticing my weight gain. Any time someone says "you look healthier" I want to hide away from the world. It makes me feel so average and unattractive.

I was actually a lot more productive in my life before I started recovery. Now I'm so insecure and depressed, I can't get myself to do anything. I don't want to face anyone. I feel really ashamed.

Wanting to go back to how I was consumes most of my thoughts throughout the day. I just think I would have an easier time if I was at my ideal weight again. Either way, there will always be a struggle and I will always have to make a sacrifice. It's either be thin and feel like crap physically, or be physically healthy and feel hideous. I have an all or nothing mentality I can't get rid of. I'm just sick of this.

Yep, my thoughts are really this shallow.

Maybe this is what recovery is supposed to feel like. I get through it. I eat what I'm supposed to. I make it through the day. I am able to do it, I'm just miserable the entire time and I don't see it changing.

Recovery is hard work hon. And it sounds like you are experiencing that for sure. What talking therapy are you having to work through this. Putting on weight is terrifying and a huge adjustment when your whole life has revolved around losing it. Keep talking hon - you will get there.

Hugs

Cracked

Thanks Cracked (your giraffe avatar is so cute btw). I was just having a particularly bad day. It's hard when there's reminders all around me. If I could be somewhere else away from people, it might be easier. Sometimes I can be doing so well, but someone will make a comment, no matter how innocuous or even complimentary, and I'll be back to square one. I'm a highly sensitive person.

I haven't gone to my ED group in a while. I've been too depressed and I compare myself to all the other girls, so it's almost made things worse. I still talk to my therapist about it. I feel good after I talk to her. I just need to build my self confidence more with other things besides the way I look, and I think once I achieve that, I'll accept recovery more. It's just hard when my weight has been my main source of happiness for so long, you know?

Thank you re my avi

I understand hon - it is tough. But it sounds like you are doing the right things and asking yourself the difficult questions which is important. It also sounds like you have a lot of insight which is also really important.

Hugs

Cracked