I think that I may have an eating disorder . . .

First of all, I apologize for the length of this post. I must admit I am lost. I think I might have an eating disorder, but I am really not sure at this point. This past summer, I lost a lot of weight and was quite happy because I finally seemed to be getting rid of my excess adipose; however, when I went to my doctor for my annual physical she was very concerned about the amount of weight I had lost and told me I needed to gain ten pounds. I gained ten pounds and am now don’t know what to think . . .

I am 5’5” tall and I feel that I must eventually weigh 90lbs. I know that, for my height, that is a low weight, but I completely hate the weight I am at right now. I have very irregular periods (and even skip a month or two sometimes) but I think that because I am still getting them (and because of how fat I currently am) I cannot be quantifiably anorexic . . .

I know that I have irregular eating habits- I am a college student and I skip breakfast and lunch every day. I live at home so I have to eat dinner each night, but I know that if I were in a dorm I would not eat at all. I try to “eliminate” whatever food I do eat- and, in the past, I have thrown up to the point of seeing blood. I know I have a problem, I just don’t really know what it is.

To tell the truth, I experience something of a dichotomy in regards to my perception. When I look in the mirror, I usually perceive myself as fat; however, this last time, when I was at the doctor, I happened to see my reflection and I thought, literally, “My God, you are thin!” By the time I got home, this solitary reflection had been overridden by my frenetic desire to lose ten more pounds- but, still, I think that if I really had an eating disorder I would not experience such epiphanies. Now that I am fatter, I occasionally find myself looking in the mirror and thinking “you look healthy,” but, imho, “healthy” is synonymous with “fat” and I honestly hate the idea of being fat.

I miss my previous figure and am determined to get it back, then surpass my previously low weight. I do not care what my doctor says, and I do not care about what it will do to me. Is this anorexia? I don’t know. I think, that on the one hand, my weight has become the predominate force in my life- my grades in school have slipped and I cannot focus on things as well anymore because I am always, constantly, thinking about how fat I am and how much weight I have to lose.

Sometimes, I feel that I am sacrificing everything in my life to a quest for thinness, but I think (irrationally, yes) that if it will make me thin, it will be a fair trade off. I feel so lost right now and I really do not know what to do. I am obsessed with my weight. I do not want anyone to know how I feel because then they would stop me and I do not want to be stopped- actually, I cannot fathom being stopped. I am too fat to be stopped, and, if someone tried to stop me right now, I would be inconsolable. Still, I worry about what I am doing to myself- I am so much calmer when I do not eat, but it is a calmness adulterated by anguish in the late hours of the night. I really don’t know what I am doing anymore, or what to do anymore. To put it simply, I hate my body and I will always hate my body until I reach the (seemingly unattainable) ideal of thinness. Does this sound like an eating disorder to you?

You are very much dealing w/ an eating disorder. Not sure if I'd classify it as strictly anorexia or strictly bulimia. But you are having serious issues w/ food, your weight/body image, etc. And you very much need help. You must know this is taking it's toll on you not only emotionally, but physically as well. Being that you've thrown up blood. 90lbs. is not a healthy weight at 5'5'; well, not at the way you are trying to come about it. There are people that I know that are about 95lbs. give or take, and they are 5'2. But I stress....they eat all meals. They make healthy choices w/ what they eat and they eat good portions. Plus they follow this up w/ a good balance of proper exercise (as in not overkill).

I really do urge you to talk w/ your dr. I think you are slowly starting to recognize that something is not right and I hope you hold onto that and talk w/ someone.