Tell me it's okay to eat

Hi guys. Sorry I've been kind of m.i.a. for a while - as I said when I last posted, my life has been at a great turning point and I just haven't had the time. I also chose to take a break from here - almost unconsciously - to see if it had any effect, but now I find myself missing your support. ;__;

Since the forum seems to have gotten more active since my last visit and a lot of things have happened in my life as well, I'll just re-introduce you to my situation. This is going to be a huge post... again...

- I'm 21, developed an ED around a year ago following the anorexia diagnosis of my best friend, which probably served as a trigger. Massively warped relationship to food due to many food allergies, way too many near-death experiences after accidentally eating something I'm allergic to, and a school nurse once carelessly stating that it was so nice to see I'd gotten a little rounder when I was 15. I've always been a bit on the underweight side but never particularly cared about my weight before the last year or two.

- I've recently moved out from my parents' house, and my eating has been going up and down since then, depending on my mood, on the weather (... I know, but gloomy weather makes me gloomy and angsty and then I either don't want to eat or binge to console myself...), and on whether or not I have company. I eat a lot more when I have guest, particularly if they stay the night, because I feel that I have to feed my guests and that it'd be impolite if I didn't eat something, too. After they leave I fast to lose whatever I've gained during their stay.

- My anorexic best friend is avoiding me. .__. She said she's scared seeing me will trigger her again now that's she's been doing a little bit better, which is probably wise. I miss her terribly and want to get better for her sake, so she could feel like she's the thin and depressed one again, but I also wish that she'd notice that I'm suffering, too, and some vengeful part of me wants her to be worried about me for a chance - even though according to her, she's been worried about me for a long time. :/ On the other hand, I remember being very annoyed with her when she was going down with anorexia, and now that I find myself regretting many of the things I said to her then, I wonder if I'm behaving like that now. I'm trying to put my finger on what exactly irritated me so much, so I could avoid doing it myself... but it's hard to see things from that point of view now.

- I've also started dating a little over a month ago. My boyfriend is wonderfully supportive and kind and doesn't mind talking about serious things like this at all, and he keeps telling me he'll do anything to help me, but it seems that he doesn't really realize that it's my mind, not my stomach, that's flipping. It doesn't help that we started dating when I was at my thinnest and that he likes to touch places where my bones are sticking out - hip bones and collarbones, for example - and I love it, but thinking that he finds me attractive when I'm really thin isn't exactly helping my case.

- Another huge problem with my boyfriend is that I think he has an eating disorder, too. I think it's a bit of a mix between anorexia and orthorexia, perhaps more of the latter. He's obsessed about healthiness and sports and eats ridiculously little compared to what he burns - in fact, he sometimes eats less than I do. He pretty much lives on veggies and fruits and energy drinks. One day, he told me he'd had a bowl of watermelon and half a danish for breakfast, nothing at work because they didn't have anything non-fat enough for him, and then 100g of organic, low-fat candy in the evening while watching a movie with me - and that's all he ate all day. I immediately felt horrible about the cheese-and-ham sandwich and the tuna salad that I had eaten. I've never felt competitive about eating, but he makes me feel that way, and it's awful. He's showing me such an awful example and telling me to take better care about myself at the same time, and sometimes I just feel like shaking him until something falls into its right place in his head... Why couldn't my bf just be the regular type of guy who could eat a horse and still look around hoping for more? (In any other respect, though, I don't want a regular guy, I want my quirky, insecure, silly boyfriend just as he is.)

- I had my first appointment at an eating disorder clinic a few weeks ago. Going there hasn't been at all as horrible as I thought - everyone has been very kind and understanding and ready to take my allergies into consideration. However, after a few meetings and a food journal, my nurse told me she's going to suggest that I be taken in, either to the day unit or the 24 h unit. I have a meeting with my doctor next week where we'll decide about that. The 24 h unit sounds way too scary, but the day unit doesn't sound that bad, so I promised to consider that... But it's a hard decision. On one hand, I'm really proud to be in such a bad shape that they feel that outside intervention is necessary. I recognize this as an ED thought but can't help feeling like that. On the other hand, I really don't want to spend my summer vacation locked up in a hospital unit, unable to see my friends or boyfriend or family except on weekends. .__. And telling to my boss - "Hi, um, I'll be on sick-leave for a few weeks because my doc thinks I'm a threat to myself and need to be placed under surveillance, he he"? I would have preferred a support group of some sort, but apparently you need to fix your body before you can fix your mind - you need a bmi of 17 or higher to enter one, and mine is only 15,4 or so...

- I suppose my ED is in part an attempt to gain some control over my messy life, and in part a reaction to my fear of growing up and entering the adult world, which makes everything even more difficult. Since it's about control, having it wrenched away from me would make me really mad and desperate - not being able to choose what to eat and when to eat? No way. But then again, making decisions, even the small ones, has gotten so difficult lately, and I can't help but hope that someone would take the responsibility of making decisions from me, just give me orders to follow.

- I'm not mortally afraid of fat. I count calories and prefer low-fat food, but I do eat chips and other unhealthy foods and snacks. Sometimes they replace my meals, and almost always they lead to fasting afterwards, but I eat them, and I never have any difficulties doing so when I'm having a good moment. So, getting started on eating more is not the problem. The problem is when I notice it's having an effect, or when I have my next bad moment - that's when I start backpedaling. I've had my little brother over for a few days and in trying to feed him well I've eaten more, too, and gained ~1kg. Although I know it's mostly temporary, I'm very nearly hysterical about it and feel like such a failure. I'm desperate to get rid of it and preferably one or two kilos more, just to prove that I can.

Now, this is where I need your help above all. I need people who understand how I think to remind me why it's not a bad thing to gain a kilogram. Please tell me it's okay to eat, and please try to make me believe it.

Of course, I'm really upset about my boyfriend, my best friend and about making the decision of going to the day unit, too, and would appreciate it very much if you had any thoughts, experiences or ideas to share about any of them. I'm sorry this got so long again, but writing helps me feel better - I feel so much lighter every time I write a long post here.

Hi there <3

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I don't think I could handle having a boyfriend as weight conscious as I am. Actually, I know I couldn't. Have you told him that his habits trigger you? Do you think he'd be willing to get help for himself?

I think the day unit is a good idea especially if your team is strongly advising it. It's so hard to let go of the control but I think that's the only way to start rebuilding your body and mind from the bottom up. It sounds like you're in a very triggering environment with your boyfriend though, and I'm worried for when the program is over and you go back with him. It's obvious that he cares for you though and I hope he'd be willing to make some changes for the sake of your recovery.

I'm having a hard time eating right now too so I'm not sure of what advice to give. I just try to reiterate to myself that I deserve the food. I almost try to think of my body as some kind of helpless sick child and I'm nurturing it... giving it the utmost love and attention. I try to push out all the negative thoughts and remind myself that it's the disease talking.

Hugs. It is OK to eat and it is OK to put on weight. I know it feels scary and like it is not, but I promise you it is. I am sorry to hear about your boyfriend and best friend. It must be very difficult to feel you have to coompete with eating, and not seeing your friend must bring up all sorts of emotions. I think if your team recommend something you should follow their advice as you want to beat this and get better. I am thinking of you.

Cracked

Thank you, Neo and Cracked. ♥

Neo, he's not so much weight conscious as health conscious. He has really atopic skin, and apparently his dietitian has told him that dairy products, all kinds of fats and carbs will increase his skin problems - so he's leaving them out completely, and not really replacing them with anything... so it's very difficult to convince him that he's allowed to eat them. He tells me he's been dumped because he, and particularly his skin, wasn't good-looking enough for the girl, so he's really sensitive about anything that might make his skin worse... It's understandable but I don't have to like it. I think he's gorgeous anyway. I have mentioned to him that spending time with him is really halting my recovery process, and I guess he's trying to eat a little more when in my company. Not sure, really...

Thanks for the idea of thinking of your body as a separate, helpless being you have to take care of - that might actually help. I'm a bit of an escapist, so using imagination to recover sounds like a really appealing thought to me - like that shield thing Cracked mentioned in your thread, or imagining anorexia as a dragon you must defeat like someone suggested in my first thread here.