Is anyone out there?

Hi. I am new here..
I have suffered from anorexia since I was a teenager & I am now a middle aged adult...
I have been treated at various times in my life once people figured out what was actually wrong...but, nothing was ever completely straightened out in my head.
Anyways, I just sort of recovered from a 4 year relapse about 7 months ago & it was an extremely long, difficult process to regain some type of normal life again.
However, here I am posting for the first time here because I know as I am sitting here that I feel that definite change...a relapse coming on. After many years, it is a very obvious feeling that one gets to know & cannot ignore.
So, I had sort of eaten halfway ok but never a normal diet. I recognize that I have faced some extremely hard times again recently...caring for my elderly parents - who are always diagnosed to be the actual cause of my ED. Many more stressful things are going on...and I have fibromyalgia which causes me much pain.
I had started to have panic attacks again but I hate taking my meds because they make me hungry & I had already gained some weight back.
I don't know what I am asking you...or what I need?
I will be brutally honest & say anorexia is like my welcome very best friend in my mind...and I long to return to the "me" I identify with...if that makes sense. Anorexia helps me feel I am in control..

If anyone else understands or can give me some advice before I dive back into this full force - I sure would appreciate a helping hand. I have never known how to stop it once my brain goes into "ana" mode? It feels like the illness is beckoning me from a sweet calm place?

I can almost envision myself in the distance calling myself back into my safety zone & saying "come now...this is where you need to be...numb & carefree."

And, I already disgust myself again...which adds fuel to the fire.
It is not only about weight or appearance but more about coping...

Please assist..

Hi, JustMe! Don't let it get to you. It's not a safe place, it's an unhealthy place. You can talk and participate on the forum and have therapy and that will be much more helpful. You will feel better one day and realize that you're glad you didn't take the easy road.