Someone please help.

I need help. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just so confused. Lately all my issues that I've ignored and pretended weren't there have started to compound on me. I don't really have anyone to go for support so I'm going at this all alone. I've lost so much weight since september. I went from 115lbs to 100lbs in less than two months. I feel bad when I let myself eat, but sometimes the hunger just gets to me so I cave. I never thought I was that fat, of course I have parts that could be improved, but never grossly fat. I never really obsessed over my food either, more or less eating what I wanted when I was hungry. I always thought I had a good relationship with my food. I never had to try to eat healthy, I just did.

But now I can't bring myself to eat. Sometimes I don't eat because I don't feel like eating. Sometimes I will outright not let myself eat. It's not about obsessing over what I eat. It's straight up obsessing if I will let myself eat. I end up having debates with myself if I deserve lunch or dinner.

I'm so scared that this is going to spiral out of control. What am I doing to myself? Someone please help me.

Paperbag, I don't know if you have a therapist or not. If not, I would think that this is the time so search one out. I would say that unless you are over 5'8", then you are not dire yet as far as being terribly underweight. The most alarming thing is the fact that you are not eating and you are losing weight rapidly due to that(obviously).

If I had to do it again, I would take care of it before it got to the point that I have gotten to. Believe me it can get worse, and you really don't want it to.

I don't know what your height is but once your weight gets to a certain point on the BMI scale doctors could intervene with certain really unpleasant measures such as tubes down the nose. Not fun.

I don't know where you live but if you live in the states then you should be able to get a therapist at the county mental health center based on income if you are worried about being able to afford it.

Well I have been seeing someone at my the college counseling centre for my issues with cutting, depression and anxiety. I'm 5'4" so I guess it's not that bad. Although my BMI is at 17.2, which is considered underweight, I think it's fine. I'm not rail skinny and I definitely still have fat on my thighs and stomach. I've started to exercise more. I used to never go to the gym. I started working out to make myself feel better and get myself out of the room and away from my cutting tools. But after I work out I get so hungry but I'll just not eat.

Yesterday I did an hour of cardio kick boxing, 30 minutes of bikram yoga and 30 minutes on the elliptical. I had some lunch after, that included some quinoa salad, some toast and a bowl of vegetarian chili. That's all I ate for the day. Going bed last night I remember thinking to myself: "Holy crap I ate so much food today". Except now that I actually wrote all that down it really isn't a lot. I'll have days where I eat more and I'll have days where I go four days without food. I've never felt lightheaded dizzy or faint so I'm assuming that I haven't done that much damage yet.

Writing all of this is scaring the crap out of me. But it doesn't really matter how scared I get; I still love the feeling of an empty stomach. I love knowing that I'm in control of what I want in my body and what I don't. I don't think it's about body image for me. I don't want to be anorexic, but I do at the same time. I don't know what to do.

Paperbag, the need for control over the food intake/out take is kind of the crutz of eating disorders and what makes them so hard. You said that you also self injure as well. Those are something I know a little about as well.

Edited

Please before it spins out of control, try to get some help. It really sounds like you have all of the groundwork for a serious eating disorder

Thank you Cinderella for the advice. I'll take to my therapist about it today when I go in for my session.

I hope things work out for you Cinderella. What you're going through does not sound pleasant, but I know you can pull through!

With a big hug and love,
paperbag

I just came back from my session and I couldn't bring it up. What's worse is that my therapist told me he was so proud of me for dropping a course because that was an indication of me taking care of myself. That made me feel awful when I couldn't tell him about me not eating. I let him down just like I've let everyone else down. After I got out I went to the dining hall and stuffed myself to the point where I felt sick. I figured if I ate I wouldn't have let him down. Right now I feel absolutely disgusting. I want all the food out of me. I'm disgusting. I want to purge it all, but I'm too scared to actually go through with it.

You might want to, you may desperately want to but, please do not! Vomiting destroys each time as you know, and binging is no better but, let the food stay where it is. You are not failing anyone, it is the idea of failing that is the enemy. If you fee bad about quiting the class, is there a way you can remedy it? You are looking everywhere else except where it counts: You! Yes, you may think you hate yourself and feel disgusted but it is your illness telling you that. It is not you.

-Nanashi-

Paperbag, I've done things such as that. The last time I left without telling my therapist something that she really needed to know, I went home and called her voice mail and left it there. That way there was no turning back. I had done it and let it out. I kind of felt like a dolt but I knew that when I went back we would be working on it. It was such a relief.
My suggestion is to do either that or send and email that you can't retrieve back. Please, just go ahead and unburden yourself. Even if it's not in person. You will know that he knows and you will begin to work on it with him the next time you meet.

I caved and I purged. It was awful and took forever. I started crying while doing it and ended up having a full blown panic attack in the bathroom. I can't stop shaking.

Paperbag, sweety it may not look like it but I'm on right now. You can PM me if you need to. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. ((((Paperbag)))).