Confused? long post sorry!

Hi there,

I joined up here to hopefully be able to get to know people who might have similar problems to mine. This was the forum i consider most related to my issues so here I am.

I'm 28 years old, mum to a gorgeous 4 year old boy and in a generally stable relationship with a guy I love more than anything. So where's the problem? Myself, is the answer.

I developed issues with eating at 13, I used to throw my packed lunches away, skip breakfast etc. I was always skinny but never enough to raise concern. My mum was in and out of a psych ward for most of my teens so I don't know if I was trying to get attention or what. I know I was unhappy and felt very alone.

At 18 I went to uni, mum was still in and out of hospital and I still had problems making friends. I had a boyfriend who was ok, and I had a couple of stupid, borderline abusive relationships with men. At the time I told myself I was trying to be independent and live my life for myself. It went wrong. I started to diet and self harm.

I met my current partner 6 years ago. He hated my self harming and threatened to tell my parents if I didn't stop. Sounds harsh, but it worked. I stopped, it was a struggle and I am still tempted now, but I could not bear for my parents to know that I am not the strong, together person they believe me to be. I was always the academic one, getting high grades, studying hard, the good one, the rock to my dad when mum was ill...

All along I've struggled with eating, when my son was born I was huge. I breast fed and dropped 2 dress sizes in 6 months. Great. A further 6 months later I weighed less than before I was pregnant, who says having children destroys your body - but seriously I wasn't happy, wasn't eating much and losing weight. About 18 months ago people started to comment that my clothes were hanging off me, I looked too thin, my partner argued with me that a slice of toast doesn't constitute a meal and that I was using food as weapon and should stop acting childish...

I tried really hard to change and eat 'normally' and managed to put about half a stone back on. But then my dad got ill with cancer (it was caught early thankfully) a really stressful time and I started to obsess about food again. I went on a health food diet, I couldn't sustain that cos my family hated the food, so I just started feeding them normal food and calorie counting myself. I'm in a mess now, I eat so few calories I can't count how many in a day but at a guess I would say easily less than 1000, some days I don't eat at all. My BMI is borderline on underweight/normal so I'm not too worried.

I'm just fed up of dealing with everything alone, and hope that some one out there might relate to what I'm saying and want to talk or help each other.

Thanks,
Liz

Hi Liz,

It's easy to understand how frustrated you are at this stage. A positive is that your partner has - and continues to - help you in his own way when your problem becomes very bad.

Do you understand why you associate being thin with being/looking 'good'? The most attractive people out there are surely those who are of normal weight. They eat normal amounts of food and get enough sleep each night. That should be your aim - i.e. to get to the point that they are at. Otherwise, you will continue your life in the same way as you always have. If you want to change, then you'll have to revolutionise your way of looking at yourself. If you look at your partner, I'm sure that he is of a normal weight, and that he looks great, right? Look at others around you too...who do you find most attractiev>; and what is their body shape? There is little/nothing wrong with having some weight and with eating food. Even if you eat too much, you can compensate by eating slightly less at the next meal.

My apologies if this has come across as patronising, but I am just trying to make you think differently.

Kevin

Hi Kevin,

Thanks for your reply. It weird because I don't necessarily think that thin people look good. I love seeing curvy women, but I hate that in myself. I look at my thighs and they are huge, as is my bum and my stomach and my arms etc etc. My partner is a little overweight, and I get on at him a lot about what he eats, cookies, fried sandwiches, its gross, but I love him and although I'd like him a little healthier and thinner I know I can't force him.

I get what your saying about revolutionising the way I look at my self, it's not patronising at all. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't want to be like I am anymore, I'm just not sure I can change.

Thanks,

Liz

Hi again,

Yes I do understand how difficult it is to just revolutionise the way you think. I suppose revolutionise is a misleading word to use, because it [the change] has to be done slowly and piece by piece. One thing I do is look-up the weight of famous males who I know women find attractive. Once I see that they are roughly the same weight as I am, I feel okay. The thoughts that I should still be very thin and lighter are never far away though.

Kevin

Hi there,

Thats a good idea, looking at the weights of famous people etc. I just have 2 numbers in my head, one that I want to be, and one that I cannot go above. I feel in limbo. I've been trying to eat a little better though so maybe thats a start.

Thanks for your help,

Liz

No problem SuperLiz. Maybe have a look around at other posts if you have time. You might pick up little snippets of info that could help. If you do'nt have time, then not to worry.

Take care,
Kevin