What's Wrong With Me?

Okay, so when I started in year 7, aged 11, I didn’t really have any people that I knew in my years so I had to make friends. I had always been fairly confident around other people once I got to know them.
So I got in with this group & there were about 10 of them. I was hanging around with them at lunch time, etc. Anyway, they began to pick on me. It began as teasing really but they said they didn’t want me in their group & I wasn’t there friend so I couldn’t sit with them.
In the end, I realised I wasn’t good enough for that group & I walked away & had nobody.
Eventually, time got on but they continued to tease me, saying various things. But they started calling me fat.
Looking back then, I wasn’t really fat. Maybe I would look even better if I lost a few pounds but I didn’t need to diet. Anyway, I went home & decided that I would eat healthily.
I had a small bowl of cereal in the morning for breakfast & at lunch time I would have a sandwich with a piece of fruit, rather than a packet of crisps or a chocolate bar. At dinner time, I would have what my mum dished up, really. Our dinners are always quite healthy.
Time went on & gradually, the bullying never stopped, even though I lost some weight. I then decided to take drastic action on my body.
I would throw away the breakfast in the morning that my mum had prepared for me & then at school, I would throw away at least half of my lunch. At dinner time, I picked & then went to the bathroom to induce vomiting.
After a while, my mum figured what was going on & she followed me upstairs & asked me if I was alright & was I making myself sick. I told her the truth but didn’t tell her about the bullying until the end of the year.
Since then, I would diet drastically every now & again & lose a lot of weight & then eat normally & put it back on.
Time progressed at school & I was achieving highly, keeping my head down & I had a small group of friends to hang around with.
However, when I got into year 9, aged 14, I really, really liked this guy. I began talking to him & got to know him quite well. He helped out around the school, coaching football, working in the school library, etc. Anyway, I was convinced that I wasn’t good enough for him & because he didn’t seem interested in taking our relationship further, I spiralled down again & stopped eating, & when I did eat, I was inducing vomiting once again.
My best friend soon found out & because she knew that me & this guy had become close, she told him. He spoke to me & confronted me about it & met me at lunch time & took me to the library where I had to eat my lunch in front of him every day. Believe me, that only made matters worse.
My parents were contacted by the school, & it was either him or my friend that had told somebody.
When I went home, my parents went mental, saying it was because I was attention seeking, etc, which was never true.
Unbeknown to me, this guy was dating an anorexic himself. I didn’t find that out until days later when a girl walked into the library & said it out loud, whilst I was sitting next to him. I just remember it breaking my heart at the time.
Soon after, his girlfriend dumped him & because my best friend knew the crush I had on him, she told me that she had dropped hints that he should go out with me because we would make a good couple.
Not much longer after that, we got together, on one condition. If there was any chance that he & his ex would get back together, he would go back to her.
I will stress that I am not a skank or anything but because I was desperate to be with him & be loved by a guy because it had never happened before, I said yes.
It didn’t work out for us because he had a religious background & there was no way a long term relationship was going to last. We were arguing a lot & it just didn’t work out.
At 15, I tried smoking to suppress my appetite & reduce what I was eating.
I’m now 17 & I still spiral into strange eating patterns. I don’t eat during the day, mainly drinking tea/coffee or water & only picking at fruit. I eat my dinner in the evening but that’s really the only meal I have.
Sometimes, if I feel as though I have eaten too much, I induce vomiting. I usually do this once a week but still have often & regular thoughts on doing this more often.
Every now & again, I excessively exercise, literally to the point of exhaustion.
I’ve always wanted to be perfect & I strive for perfection. All my friends noticed & I was even given the label, Little Miss Perfectionist when I was at school. I feel the need to achieve highly & be successful.
When I’m home alone especially, I cook the dinner & do all the housework & really, I’m the daughter that can be relied on. I’m trustworthy.
I’m fairly intelligent, passing all my GCSE’s with an A* & 6 A’s & then a few B’s & C’s. I always focus on getting high marks on my college work & if I don’t, I feel as though I’m worthless.
I’ve always had low self esteem. I had to attend self esteem classes once a week at the school but it never really went deep into emotions & I don’t think that it helped me all that much.
I didn’t feel as though I could open up to a group of people how I really feel about myself.
My family are confident but I just can’t seem to be which is a shame because they always say I need to be more confident & that I’m too shy & quiet.
I just don’t feel as though I can live up to their expectations & although they don’t have any of me or my sister, I feel as though I need to & be perfect.
I hate shopping for clothes because I can’t try them on. I physically can’t bring myself to do it & then picking out the sizes makes me feel physically sick. It looks flattering on someone else, but not me. I try & imagine a skinny version of me in them which is better than the real me. I never feel as though I deserve to buy clothes for myself, so I never do it.
Eating out is a pain because I feel fat & I only select a small dinner & then pick at it. It’s nice to think that whilst I have something small & healthy, I can watch my family eat whatever they have & know that I’m not weak & haven’t caved it, yet if I do eat unhealthily, I’m still the strong one because I can bring it back up again.
I don’t eat out with friends because of the same reason.
I just want to know what’s going on & if I have an eating disorder. I’m not of an anorexic weight & I’m actually in the healthy BMI range but it doesn’t stop me from doing this. I know this isn’t a healthy thing to do, really, but I can’t stop myself.
I don’t feel as though I can talk to my family because they will class it as attention seeking once again & I really want to stress that it isn’t the case. That’s hurtful that they think I would do that & it’s frustrating because I generally have a good relationship with my family. I want help, I really do, but I don’t know what I’m doing to myself & I can’t speak to anyone.
Why aren’t I perfect? What’s going on?
Any help is much appreciated.
Thank you.

Just because you are a "healthy" weight by bmi standards does not mean you are healthy and does not mean you don't have an eating disorder. You clearly have a serious eating disorder and definitely need to get help for it. Have you had therapy specifically for your eating disorder? I suggest you go to your gp. I have suffered with an eating disorder but was in denial, but accidently ended up getting help after going to my gp and therapists for depression. I was convinced that no-one could help me and that i did not have an eating disorder. But they have had the most positive influence on my life and i have virtually recovered. Going to seek help was the best thing to happen to me. You definitely need to see someone, they won't force you to put on weight, they will just listen. Also you may be able to go on some medication for the eating problem and/or depression.

It sounds like you have had a really tough time and you are stuck in this world which in reality is a very self-absorbed place to be. You are constantly scrutinizing yourself - your body - your mind - your life. It isn't healthy and in the end you will only be an unhappy person having wasted their life...ironically by trying to make it perfect.

There are people out there that can help you. In the mean time keep a diary, rate the day out of 10, do things you enjoy! Don't expect your family to understand because they probably have no idea what your feeling but there are many people who do understand and you need to get in contact with them asap.

I have never had therapy because I guess for so long, I haven't seen it as a problem, but recently, I have begun to dig deep into the past & although eating disorders are triggered buy something, mine was through bullying & I never thought that was a major enough reason. Most girls do tend to be body conscious when they get older. It's normal. But I have realised that it's not normal to starve yourself in the day, feel guilt when you eat & every now & again, induce vomitting. Sometimes, I go the whole day without eating anything until dinner time. That's something I do intentionally.
I know some people might do that on the odd occasion because they're busy, etc, but they don't really mean to do that.
When I feel hungry, it's nice that I can control what I'm doing.
Thing is, my parents class it as attention seeking anyway & if I was to speak to them, I fear they won't believe me & just think I am over reacting. They wouldn't believe I have an eating disorder. I just don't seem to fit that category for them & it really pains me to think that they don't see that I have a problem. In general, especially my mum, she's always been there to bring me & my sister up together, we're a perfect little family unit with only the odd arguments & I can talk to her about anything at all. Any question I ask, she will answer & its great that she's there for me for any reason ... except this.
I honestly don't think they realise that it hurts me. I felt even worse when I was in year 9 & the school contacted them & they told me I was only doing it for attention. The truth? I was doing it because I wasn't perfect for the guy that I liked.
I'm 17 & haven't actually had a proper boyfriend. I've had a couple that I walk around the school playground with but nothing serious. My opinion? I'm not good enough for any guys. My mum's always said that it would be the other way round but how? I'm not attractive & I hate that I even think that about myself now because before all of the bullying, I never classed myself as fat & I never classed myself as ugly. I wasn't gorgeous but I wasn't bad looking.
If & when I make myself sick, take for example I did it the other day. I was so hungy that I decided to have breakfast. I had spaghetti on toast whereas normally, I have a piece of fruit if I feel hungry enough to do so. I felt so disgusting. Spaghetti on toast at 11am? I'mon my school holidays, I should be taking advantage of the situation, not making it any worse. & so guilt overcame me & I induced vomiting once again.
Afterwards, it felt amazing, because the rest of the family weren't home until a lot later, so I could clean out the bathroom & make everything seem normal for when they come home. Sometimes I just really wish they would catch on & realise that I on't do this because I choose to. I can't help my feelings or anything & all I want is for someone to listen but they'll think it's some sort of joke if I ask for help.
I couldn't go to my GP either because my mum works there & has access to my medical records as well which is an unfortunate thing.
Thank you for your reply by the way

Your parents don't put you in the category of an eating disorder because they don't understand. Even if you were massively underweight and they classed you as having an eating disorder they still wouldn't understand what that meant or how to deal with it. Maybe explaining to them would help. Also if you go to your gp and your mum did find out then she might realise how big the problem was. You are nearly 18 and an adult, you need to sort this out and that means going to a doctor.

You say you haven't had a boyfriend, but even if you got a boyfriend now neither of you would be able to work because the stress your eating problem would have. See recovering from this problem as a step towards having a relationship. I didn't have a relationship until i was 16 and in the end the relationship caused the eating disorder. Relationships aren't everything in life. Try to build on the relationships you already have with your family. Maybe you could let them read the posts you have written here?

Even if I show her the posts, it will never make a difference. It's kind of like, all those years ago, she was in denial. She knew if I continued to make myself sick, I was going to end up with an eating disorder. She told my dad & they both watched me eat for about a week & then nothing more was said. She had told me that she didn't want to have to say to people that her eldest daughter died because she thought she was fat & developed an eating disorder.

I guess I want a relationship because I have never been popular in my life & I could never understand why. I am shy but I am willing to make the effort & talk to people & be polite & really, I only have one true friend & she really does care about me. And I'm trying to focus that it matters the most. Completely irrelevant to the subject but even on my last day of school, I cried so much because I didn't want to leave & she walked me home because she didn't want me to be alone in such a distressed state. She lives in the complete opposite direction to me & was in the year below.

Anyway, I guess I want the desire to be loved by a guy. I seem to think that if I have a boyfriend, someone who loves me, cares for & respects me, & most importantly, is with me because of who I am, then it will stop the pain altogether. Deep down, I know it will never happen. I'm stupid enough to even think it, right? Because nobody would ever go out with someone as repulsive as me.

Even if I go to the GP, will they help me? Honestly? Because I'm not anorexic. My eating patterns are unhealthy but I am not underweight & I am still having my monthly period.

Well i have always had a period and although i was underweight, i was not drastically underweight. However i have had the most wonderful help, and they make you realise that an eating disorder is about the mind and not about what you weigh. Some gp's are more understanding than others but you need to have strength and say "this is what i need and i need it now". I definitely think you should be on anti-depressants, they take a few months to have an effect but when they do they really are amazing. If you think they may make you put on weight then don't worry they won't. I thought i would gain weight as a side effect and almost refused to go on them, but i haven't gained any weight and have been on them for over a year. I am on venlafaxine. I thought no-one could help me and no-one cared about me but thank-fully i was wrong. You must try to get help otherwise you may never get better. There are people out there whose job it is to help people like you.

You are not repulsive. And there will be a guy out there for you, but it isn't like any guy will do. In reality most guys probably wouldn't be right for you. You will have to wait until you meet someone you connect with and who understands you, and right now you think that won't happen but i can assure you it will. The world isn't against you. There are probably lots of guys out there thinking that no-one could love them and that they are alone in the world, and want someone like you. People appear confident but underneath it is usually a different story.

Thank you for your help

Thing is, I'm not depressed. I don't think very highly of myself either but I wouldn't go as far as saying that I'm depressed

I know I have a problem & need help but I'm one of those people who don't ask for help in any situation really.

I spoke to my college tutor a while ago because I was considering dropping out fo college because I wasn't too happy &on top fo that, it doesn't help when we have to read aloud to the class because of my confidence I guess. But when I spoke to him, he found it difficult to believe that I wasn't a confident person because I come across as being a good practitioner & produce good work (I'm currently studying childcare & education). But I even told him I never ask for help on my work because I'm ashamed if I haven't got it right. He said that he obviously wants to support me because he's my tutor & needs to know if I'm happy but he also needs to be aware of how I am coping with my work. I never went deep into why I'm not confident nor my eating habits though.

It just feels as though I don't technically need help until something goes wrong, such as my periods stop or when I become underwiehgt because at the moment, although it is a problem, it doesn't seem like one & I feel as though I can't do anything about it.

Hiya,

Your story reminds me so much of me I can't not reply, really. I'm also 17, and was also bullied mercilessly from year 7 onwards which was probably the root of my problems. I am bulimic, and have gone through spates of not-eating to lose weight. I'm at a healthy weight, not underweight or anything else, and because I've been ill so long my GP just assumed my periods always had and always will be irregular. What I'd say to you is to book a private appointment with your GP some time, when your parents won't know about (if they're not being supportive), and tell her you're having serious problems with eating. Explain this the way you have here - it's very clear you're not healthy about eating, and actually I expect other medical tests would show up the problems you're having.

Parents and family are a nightmare. They will never understand, and the best you can do is explain whatever you can and hope they get some of it. Of course you're not attention-seeking, and you're going to do everything you can to get better! You just need to get some help, go over your parents if you have to. Your health is the most important thing, as a fellow high-achiever I know that you won't want to miss college or school, even if it compromises your recovery. You need to find something that may satisfy your need for perfection, while still getting you healthy and ready to take on school! Don't drop out, not yet - your mask that you've got over your self-esteem and eating problems will eventually crack, but it doesn't have to. Just build yourself up underneath it.

Hope that's of some help. I can't offer much, because I'm just not in a good place myself and it would intensely hypocritical to pretend I have the answers. I just hope I can give ideas perhaps of how you can keep going for another day or two.

smallcat

Thank you for your help & support.

It's almost like my parents are in denial about the fact & just automatically accuse me of attention seeking. It hurt so much when they said that it for me, I kind of lost my trust in them at that point. I just don't what to do or feel or think or say.

I even remember getting a diary task back one day, with having a 5 being the highest. It was out of four criteria’s. I suppose you know the result? 20 out of 20, of course. Nothing different there. Well, that was at least until the girl next to me whispered to another friend: “I’d hate to know everything.” Know everything? Of course, she meant me, that was obvious having scored the highest grade in the class, but I didn’t know everything, I still don’t. Does anyone? But once again, the hard work paid off. They all received C grades in the exam. I didn’t quite make the A but I got the B.

I don't think that memory will ever go away. I've always been an extremely sensitive person & am very insecure as you have probably guessed but I never seem to fit in. My sister's got a friend who's a lot like me, always concetrates on her work & I get on with her really well, but my sister always asks why I don't hang around with my own 'friends.'

I haven't said that to my parents because I'm ashamed. Ashamed to tell them that people think that I know everything? I don't even know why I'm so insecure about it. Girls at my old school said things like that & my mum always said it was because they were jealous. I don't know why they would jealous. They were all thin & pretty & had boyfriends. The ironic thing is, I don't want to dumb down for a guy to like me. I'm intelligent enough & want a guy that likes me for who I am.

Hi,
The bullying had absolutely nothing to do with how fat or thin you are, people bully people because they are scared and they were scapegoating their own fears of being rejected on to you as a sick joke.
You wanted to escape from being a victim, but being more thin would never have accomplished that, it was just a fantasy and you have to accept that and face down the body image problems you have, learn as many calming and relaxation techniques as you can find and try to counteract every aspect of the problem, for instance if you hate your body then compensate by loving it, it's a lot like a phobia but spread out in a lot of ways so it's pretty hard to fix, but every time you back down to it it's going to get a tiny bit more of a hold on you so you have to work to break that hold, don't be too brave about it but keep at it when you're confident enough, it's going to take a lot of time to unlearn but if you're disciplined enough you can do it.
Lots of love and hugs xx