my story

Hi- my name is lauren. I'm in my freshman year of college and I'm halfway across the country from my home. Last fall, my sister went into treatment for an ED- she's three years older than me. She took a year off college to get healthy before she went back. She was in and out of the hospital and treatment centers for about 5 months..
She was at college and i was at, with my parents. I hated my sister for a while, for doing this to me and my mom and my family.. she didnt have to deal with seeing my mom so upset, seeing my dad worried about how much money it was costing us, watch my mom cry and cry and say how she was a horrible parent and it was all her fault.
The last thing i wanted was to turn into my sister.

I guess it started back then. Ever since my sister told us she was bulimic, i was very conscious of what i ate. Mostly because i didnt want to be like her. I was the "good" child, the one without problems, the one my parents could actually be proud of. My sister was the "failure" the one with the problems... I never thought I would turn into my sister until this year. Back in august I started college. I had a really hard time at first, because I'm bipolar and I was extremely depressed and anxious. I'm on a sports team, and my coach required that all of us went in and saw a nutritionist to make sure we were eating healthy. He took my height, weight, calculated my body mass, etc, and asked me to list the foods I'd usually eat and how much of them. He told me I was underweight and needed to eat more. I didn't listen to that part, instead I just wanted to eat healthier.
Which I did, but eating healthier soon turned into eating less.
And then I hurt my leg. For the past two months I haven't been able to work out of anything- im on crutches until I can get my leg fixed- whatever that entails. I started worrying about getting fat and eating too much. At that point, I decided to limit my calorie intake to make sure I wasn't eating too much.
And then it turned into me looking into the mirror... i used to feel pretty. I used to feel skinny. But I look in the mirror now and I see a fat ugly girl who isn't good enough for anyone. I try to stay between 500 to 700 calories a day, sometimes less and sometimes more.
Right now, this has started taking over my life. I'm hesitant to call it anorexia, because I don't really know if I am. All i know is all i can think about is planning out my days, my weeks, deciding what I will eat when and how many calories everything is, making sure I can stay under my limit...
i cant think about anything else. I cant DO anything else. I started this to stay in control of my life, but now I'm afraid that it's getting out of control.
I tried to convince myself to get help, to do something, even to eat. my brain tells me i need food, but i CANT make myself eat. I like the hunger. I dont feel pretty unless im hungry. I feel ugly and fat if I'm full.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm here because I'm hoping to get support and talk to other people like me, other people that understand me.

Hey! I used to feel this way too. I wouldn't feel good or pretty if I wasn't controlling how much I ate and if I wasn't skinny. It helps to talk about it. You're right, it's about feeling like you have control over your life. You could try talking to a professional about it and you're welcome to come here and talk too. You know, making lists of what you want to eat every day could help if you add more calories. It's not healthy to go under 1200 calories a day.
The thought of going through what your sister went through and hurting your parents must have been really scary for you, but it doesn't have to be that way. You're in charge of your own life.