Not sure what I'm going to say.....

Hi,
I normally post in the bulimia section but I don't feel that really applies to me anymore. To be honest I'm not really sure if this section applies to me either, but here goes..
For the last month, I have stopped making myself sick totally after making myself about 7 times a day every day. I'm not really sure what triggered it, I just stopped. The only problem was I didn't stop binging, for a week I continued eating and eating, then I would cry myself to sleep every night. I felt so weak and pathetic and I was disgusted in myself, but in a way I was used to that- I would eat huge amounts of food in one go at the age of seven or eight. I would come home and shut myself in my bedroom and eat to make myself feel better about the fact everyone bullied about my weight. Then I would hide the wrappers so nobody would know. The only thing was this really didn't help of course, I just got bullied more.
I think that bulimia was my solution to this. My attemts to starve myself (which started 3 years ago) to "undo" my binging, always failed and I ended up binging and purging. The whole time though I wanted to just stop eating and I managed this for 2 months beore my mum forced me to eat again and I started making myself sick. At this point I began counselling and I was told I was bulimic. Being classed as bulimic just made this worse for me- it was evidence that I was failing to not eat and since then I was determined to starve again.
So now, for the last month (ish) I have eaten 1 cracker and a piece of melon a day. I feel like I'm succeeding finally, I feel so happy. I know it is wrong that I feel lke this and some people would think I'm selfish for doing this, but I can't stop. I told myself that I would stop, but I can't. I don't want to give up something I've worked so hard for, plus I'm really fat so I can't be anorexic can I? I'm still eating melon and crackers so I'm not anorexic- So what am I?
Sorry about this really confusing post- I'm not sure if I even understand it myself
Please reply.

Hi,

It's not entirely confusing to me at all because I know exactly how you're feeling. You (and I) are just one of those people who drift between different eating disorders in a never-ending struggle to gain control over our diets. However, we never gain control and that's why we continue to shift between different eating-patterns. To stop this pattern, you should try to accept the fact that you have an eating disorder and try to live your life with it as best as you can. I have accepted my Bulimia now, for example, and it means that I can freely plan when I have my binges. I look forward to them, in fact.

Kevin