"You should really have fixed yourself by your age"

Hi,

I am a lurker on Psychforums and never really post (in fact, only have twice before!) but I've had the worst week and don't have any other safe outlet. Even as I type I am having to try to be quiet as my fiance is asleep in the room next door and I dont want him to ask what I am doing.

This is part of the main problem- I am incredibly secretive about my thoughts,feelings and ED behaviours. Dont get me wrong, my fiance and family are AMAZING and always want to support me in any way they can... the problem is, I see and feel how much it hurts them that I am hurting. My mum in particular has actually become ill herself because I came clean about how I was feeling and she was so worried. My dad recently said to me 'You should really have fixed yourself by your age' (I'm 28 and have had mental health issues since I was a teenager) I know this statement isnt true.. but I am this horrible feeling that I cannot ever get out of this. I feel like I am too broken.. and what makes it worse is I have no reason to be. I have everything going for me in life.. loving family, a lovely man who wants to marry and start a family together, a decent job, some good friends... and yet I wallow like this. And no amount of therapy or treatment changes anything. Because I havent made the efforts to change my behaviour. Its my fault.

Ugh, I'm sorry.. this is turning into a long post. If you've made it this far, thank you

This week has been awful. I've lied to almost everyone I care about. Please try hard not to judge me on the choices ive made this week.. I've been feeling very very low and have been harming myself by using laxatives.. this has meant I have been outwardly ill and my fiance has obviously noticed this- so I've lied and told him I had a stomach bug. Equally, I've told the same story to my mum and boss. Oh god, even typing that.. I feel like such bitch. I will probably delete this so I can keep living in denial. As you can imagine, this week I have felt progressively worse with guilt and depression but now its got to the point where I have taken all week off work and can't fathom ever going back. I would go to see the GP and come clean..but all they can do is sign me off work with depression but I did exactly this one year ago and had 3 weeks off work then. Ive also taken copius amounts of days off here and there over the years. Work must be contemplating how to get rid of me by now.

Im seeing my psychologist this afternoon and im going to try very hard to be honest with him... but its so hard when I fear disapproval and judgement so much. I know its his job, but.. well,you know.

Also,another reason I cant talk to my fiance is because he has said if things get worse i.e i lose more weight (I have) or feel suicidal (I have been) then we will have to postpone the wedding and he'd want me to go and live with my family. In short, i think he would start to contemplate our relationship. I know my health comes first.. but without him, I really dont have any reason to live anymore.

I'll stop now. Thanks for offering me the space and if you finsihed reading this, you are an angel Any replies at all (even one word) would be lovely.

x

Hi Applespice,

From one lurker to another - thank you for stepping out of the dark to post.

That subject title really pulled me in - I've often thought the same about myself. (I'm 30) Though, I can't imagine what it would be like to Hear someone else say it... much less one of my parents.

My reply is more anecdotal than factual... and probably not real um... "aww poor babyish" But if you really want to stop wallowing, you need to get out of yourself. Go help someone, anyone. Or even reframe the things you're already doing as helping. Do you do laundry for you and your fiance? or cook for others? That's helping. Magnify the little things you do for others in your head and that will help quash out all the self-loathing.

I used to be very caught up in the drama of "What-ifs" and sneaking around and not wanting others to know my emotional state. ....Ok, I'm still a bit caught up in it. But it's a lot easier to get out of now that I realize it's just drama and really...excitement. Tell me, which is more dramatic and exciting : realizing that all of this judgement and pressure on yourself isn't worth it and letting it go - Or - endlessly spiraling around in your own head while anyone close to you gets pulled into the vortex?
Obviously the latter.
It's all too easy to get addicted to the cycle of self-loathing. And when you start to breathe and let it go, it's like you expect to hear angels singing or something equally as dramatic. But nothing. It's very anti-climactic. ...and then life gets really boring unless you busy yourself with something truly fulfilling like helping or contributing somewhere.
That's my experience anyway.

I hope you were able to be honest with your psychologist and that he had something helpful to give you. It's really very brave of you to post so honestly and clearly here. That's definitely what these forums are for (and why I'm here too - as a safe outlet). No judgement from me, just encouragement to feel better and let things go.

<3 Fifi

Hi Fifi,

Thanks for your reply

I haven't got time to reply properly to your message now but just wanted to say I appreciate that you spent the time replying. Also, I went to see my psychologist and was 100% open with him, it was SO hard but I'm so glad I was. He was brilliant and I feel like the therapy relationship between us has been strengthened today

That's wonderful news! I'm proud of you for being open - that's no easy task. It sounds like you made some real progress.

No worries about replying! I just didn't want you to feel like you're all alone in the world.
Also, I wrote all that pre-coffee in the morning so it may have been more ...direct than I usually am with others.

-Fifi

I understand you feel guilty about other people being worried and getting sick because of what you have been doing, but realize that the one who suffers most is you. When a person gets sick from merely seeing a loved one sick, my first reaction is this: imagine if that mom suffers this bad, how much worse the daughter must be suffering.

You did good to see the psychologist and make an effort to be honest. It is always difficult to be honest with anyone at all when you feel guilt. You are not what you do: having been dishonest lately doesn't make you a dishonest person. So forgive yourself for that. Especially since you made up for that by doing your best to say the truth to the psychologist. That is a battle you won right there. Practice being honest with the psychologist, you will get the hang of it and you will start behaving that way with others in time. From being honest only with the psychologist, you will learn that those few seconds when people are impressed by the truth you just said, even though not particularly pleasant, are not as bad as they seemed when you were keeping the truth to yourself, and you will learn in time that those truths that are so hard to say can actually help you loads to get better once you have said them. And that would help not just you but all the people around you.

Look up self-compassion on Google. Dr. Kristin Neff, the doctor who came up with the concept, researched it and popularized it in recent years has a website where you can get information and exercises free. It is a way to reach out to yourself when you don't let others reach out to you (because you keep the truth to yourself) and to be kind to yourself. Because right now, you are being very hard on yourself - no wonder you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The people who worry about you love you, and the reason why it hurts them so much to see you suffer is that they cannot comprehend how you can't love you as much as they do - take their example and love you! I know it is not so easy to do in your situation, but you have to try.

Also, about what your dad said... He is just losing patience and being clumsy, which is understandable. It is not easy for family to see a loved one suffer. We all know that if this were really as simple as "fixing yourself" - duh! you would have by now! We all know that no one chooses this on purpose, and that age has nothing to do with this. He wouldn't say what he says if he had anorexia. Understand that that is where that comment came from: he doesn't quite understand what you suffer from, nobody really can until they suffer from it, too. He also wouldn't say that if he didn't love you.

Being more honest with loved ones (thus not feeling guilty) and being more kind to yourself are your biggest hurdles. Once you get past those (with help from your psychologist), things will get better. And I know you can do that because you did go see the psychologist and you had the courage and the motivation to be honest with him, all on your own.

Cheers!

The statement "You're too old to have these problems" or something similar really bothers me too. It was actually said to me last June (2016) when I was in hospital, by a psych nurse of all people.

Good on you to recognize that it's a very flawed statement--there is no age limit for mental illness.