Back and forth

In the past I stopped eating and walked around all day. When I was sixteen I lost a lot of weight and when I was thirteen I lost even more. Two years since I stopped caring and I find myself staring at my chubby arms more and hating so many details on my body.I eat my feelings now and I want to stop but its either one extreme or the other. If I stopped eating my feelings chances are it would start giving me a rush to skip meals again. I want to stare at my refletion and wonder if I made a differce that day.