I think my ED is coming back?

Hi all

About two years ago i was battling anorexia nervosa for a good year. I know the time seems very short when compared to others but my personality doesn't allow for failure, i'm either all or nothing, so I didn't physically have a chance to keep it any longer as i was forced into the hospital system. my height is 5'8, and at my lowest weight i was ##. I was kept in hospital for 4 months, and on a feeding tube for 6 weeks. In that time i went up to about ##, which was so hard to mentally deal with. i lied a lot to doctors and hid a lot of things from psychologists, i became so sneaky, and anything i could do to keep myself loosing weight i would. because i avoided doctors so long, when i did see one, i was immediately monitored and when she realized i wasn't gaining weight at all i was admitted which would have happened anyway because if i didn't show up to my appointments she would call the hospital to come and get me

anyway, i have been going through some difficult thinks lately, me and my boyfriend of a year broke up recently and the whole time we were together he made me feel terrible about my body. i never felt thin enough or pretty enough. i've noticed that i've started restricting my diet again, and i've been eating only once a day for about 3 months now, and only things such as a childs can of spaghetti or egg whites on brown bread toast. my weight is now at ##, and i look thinner in pictures and i can see that, and i can hear that voice coming back in my head that rewards me when i don't eat or when i skip meals. if i eat more than that i feel so bloated and terrible, i will use laxatives to rid it (i'm sorry, i know it's disgusting) and now that i'm not with my boyfriend i'm so scared of becoming fat and gross, and everyone just thinking that a boy has made me comfort eat or something. i'm too scared to go and talk to someone because i feel like my choices will be taken from me once again, and i can't loose control of the power i have, it's the only thing i do have. can anyone who has had similar thoughts help me out? i know i shouldn't be thinking like this and obviously it isn't healthy but the thought of being fat literally makes me want to cut pieces off my body, i can't continue to live life while feeling this terrible.

Thanks in advance xx

I think its important to acknowledge what you think are just disordered thoughts. Its anorexia talking not you. Things will get better once you get help, even though it will not be easy. Getting treatment is not only about your body but reframing your state of mind to a healthier one.