it's getting out of control

Hi everyone,
I have a history of Eating Disorder NOS, because of restriction and excessive excercise, but I'm worried that it might be getting more serious.
My weight and BMI has dropped significantly... Supposedly my BMI is now 18.2. My friends and family tell me I'm too thin, but I like watching the pounds on the scale decline, and my body becoming smaller and smaller... I know this isn't healthy, and I often feel weak, but I can't bring myself to eat more, I just can't... I feel like if I lose just a few more pounds I'll be satisfied, but then again, we all know that "a few pounds" turns into a lot more. I just don't know where to go from here. I've been dealing with these weight issues for almost 5 years now, and I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied with my body. I'm so scared.
Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks for listening. <3
Take care, everyone.

Hun,
I have had anorexia & compulsive exercise control me for well over 30 yrs. Thin is never thin enough...you could be near death and still not see how thin you actually are. I came to a point where I was near death before I finally got some professional help. You can do irreversible damage to many of your main body organs also. I have some heart damage due to my lack of taking care of myself and eating enough.

When you don't eat enough your body automatically starts getting it's fuel from you stored body tissue. Once that is gone it starts eating your organs. By then it is dire that you begin to eat....although it's much better to not let it get to that point.

I know that eating is difficult. I found it a little bit easier when I started a very small amount of an anti depressant. Even then I had to gain anough weight to ever be put on the medication.

Please don't let this be you. If you have to just eat tiny meals to start with. Some people find 5-6 tiny meals easier to eat than 3 big meals. Whatever ...you need nourishment. I hope and pray that you can turn this around. If necessary get professional help...just don't do like I did.
Love ya!
Sweetngentle

Kathy,
Thank you so much for your reply, and for sharing your situation with me. It means a lot! I'm actually seeing a nutritionist as well as a therapist, and they have helped me a lot... I just need to work harder and whip myself into shape.
Over the past couple of days, I've tried to slowly eat more... It hasn't been easy, because I can't seem to shake this distorted perception of my body, but I'm really trying to push myself. I think I'll try your suggestion of 5-6 small meals, instead of 3 big ones.
Can I ask you a question? (and other people can answer this one, too) Has anything in particular helped you to see things more clearly about your body? Because I think I'll be able to force myself to eat, but this negative view of myself, jealousy of others who are thinner than me, and longing to see bones won't seem to get out of my head and leave me alone.
Thanks again! I hope that life is treating you well, and that you're enjoying your new job.
Take care,
<3
drama_queen

Try to stay away from scales get rd of any ones you have. This way you cant tell if you gained a pound so maybe you wont feel like you need to lose it.
Try drinking lots of juices and milk if you cant eat that way you can at least get som nutrients from those.
Maybe tell your sellf 10 times aday that you are not fat etc.

About being jelous about skinnyer people. No one is the same no one has the same body, some people have blue eyes while others have brown but they both look fine neither looks better. So what if you have 10 pounds mroe then the person next to you. You still look good.
I hope you got my point.

I am sorry you went though this Sweetngentle but ti soudns like you have defeated it well at least i hopy you have.

Thats all teh advice i can think of
I hope thigns get better and that you start eating more so you can be healthy. Good luck!!!

drama_queen,
How do you keep an accurate perception of what size you wear? Here's what my therapist and I came up with.....
Take a pair of your jeans, button and zipper them, lay them on the floor and say to yourself that no "fat" person would ever fit into these.

Anothing thing I did was to throw out my scale. Like oakchair said that way you can't tell if you've gained an ounce or so. Last thing I can think of.....don't purge after eating. No taking laxatives, compulsive exercising, no making yourslef throw up...etc.

If you are able to get yourself to do these things it will be one huge step forward for you.
Take care hun,
Kathy

Thank you both for your replies! Sounds like an excellent idea to get rid of the scales... I definetely obsess over every ounce way too much. I don't want to give it up, but I know I have to. Thanks for the jeans idea, too, Kathy. I'm a size 0, so I guess that should rationalize the situation for me a bit. I haven't purged in awhile- I still exercise a lot after eating, but I don't think it's too intense. And I'm going to do my best to stay away from purging!!! Hopefully I'll be able to feel better about myself someday!
Take care, and lots of *hugs!*
<3
drama_queen