Something that I wrote about my Anorexia.

"It’s like a plague inside your head, it tears you apart from the inside out and no-one knows about it. No-one can hear the torment, no-one can witness your thoughts as they come into your head, no-one can feel the hatred you feel for yourself when these thoughts are sprung into your head like boomerangs, only, they don’t return to where they came from. They stay there, linger, like a bad odour that can’t be eliminated no matter how many times you try and ‘wash it away’.
You can change a thought, but you can’t change that it came into your head. You can’t change the faint memory of it being there, the impact it had on you, another tiny crack. Chip chip chipping away at the tiny bit of self-esteem and confidence you had left. You want desperately for people to understand, to see how much these thoughts are torturing you. So you try and show them: you starve yourself or you binge and purge. You feel emptiness is better than the thoughts after you’ve eaten. The thoughts change then. ‘Good girl’ it whispers. ‘You’ve done well, carry on, you’re heading in the right direction’. And then sometimes, the thoughts get too much to handle and you fight them off; you stuff your body full of food to try and shut the voices up. They scream at you with every mouthful you take. ‘NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! STOP’ but you carry on. Desperate to shut the screaming up. In between shoving it in your starving body your cheeks are soaked with tears. You don’t want to do this but you don’t know what else to do either. Then it hits you. What have you done? You’ve given in to your natural reaction. You’ve betrayed the voice. You panic, the voice starts again. Torturing you. ‘You fat cow, look at you, you’re disgusting. Get rid of it, do it. Now.’ Run to the toilet, bend over, do the deed, up it comes. Stand up, wash your face, walk out like nothing happened. No no no, sometimes that doesn’t even happen, does it? Sure, you’ve done it a few times but you’re a chicken aren’t you. You can’t make yourself. You physically can’t do it. You start having a panic attack before anything even comes up. You’re a failure. You know you are, it tells you so. Stare in the mirror. Cry. It’s all you can do. Look at the damage you’ve done. Look at you. It tells you how vile you are and now you can see it for yourself. Everyone else can see it too. You’re not sick, you’re fat. You’re not Anorexic, you’re a liar. You’re obese. Ugly. It’s beating you. It’s winning. You’re letting it. You’re letting them all down. You care. But you don’t. But you do. But you don’t. You can’t. You’ve lost the will to live let alone care. You want to escape but not looking like this. You want to lose weight but you don’t know how to. People tell you you look sick but you don’t believe them. You’re fatter than last time and it wasn’t good enough then. You give up but you don’t. You’re so stuck in this you can’t see a way out. You lie to everyone, you know you do. ‘I want to be normal, I want to get better’. You don’t. But you do. But you can’t. And you won’t.

Kitkat93x, you captured my thoughts exactly. It's exactly how I feel and it's real, but I wonder what someone without an ED would think if they read that? It's so hard to explain the feeling and thoughts to someone in the real world. Thank you Kitkat. I may actually send this to my therapist. She seems to understand, but therapists always seem to understand. I often wonder what they really think when you leave their offices? - Lee

Hi Lee, I'm sorry in a way that you understand and it captured your thoughts, you shouldn't have to feel like this too. It is real, it is so so real, and I don't know but I've written it in a massive (currently 17 pages) letter to my GP/Doctor who has never had an ED as is medically and not mental-health trained so she'll probably read it and go 'wtf' but I have no choice but to send it to her because I have no-one else that will understand and I trust her more than she'll ever know and I'm really struggling to cope with all this rubbish flying round inside my head (if you read my other topics in other forums about my BPD and DBT therapy and Depression etc you'll understand that more) and I need to tell someone. I emailed the Samaritans the other night, was emailing them yesterday too and sent them a long but shorter than my GP's message about everything, it was about 2/3 pages on Word but in an email to them, and got 1/4 of a page reply...lol. So I gave up and I'm taking a massive risk of my insanity and telling her everything about everything.
You're welcome, thank you for wanting to share it! But please credit me if you do? Put 'written by Kitkat93x on PsychForums.com' or something? I'm not being funny but I don't want it to get into the wrong hands and it to be stolen because they're my words out of my head and I struggle communicating in any other ways but typing on a computer (that's in my other topics too) and the last thing I want is to get something out that someone understands, relates to and appreciates and it to get stolen as someone else's work. I want to maybe publish my stuff one day...I don't know, I've been told to, as a 'recovery' book/website/whatever...one day...maybe...I don't know. Feel free to send it, but say someone else wrote it...I'm not saying YOU'D steal it, but your therapist might take it as your words and share it with others saying you wrote it and yeah. Possessive bitch here.
I'm glad she understands but I disagree: my therapists have never understood, even recently when I got diagnosed as BPD that's been undiagnosed for years and I got a therapist for DBT which treats BPD, and she doesn't even understand.
I wonder that too - I have paranoid traits along with every other stupid diagnosis so I constantly wonder what they're really thinking and they're conspiring against me and yeah...complications!

If you want to PM me about anything, feel free I'd like to talk to you about things if you're up for it and don't want it to be made global?

Kat.

I would not take credit for your work at all. All credit will go to you, of course, and well-deserved! I'm pretty suspicious of people as well. I always wonder what they really think. I totally trust my therapist; but sometimes I wonder what she thinks and what she write in that notebook of hers. She doesn't ever seem shocked at some of the nutty things I tell her. Haha.

Lee65 wrote:I would not take credit for your work at all. All credit will go to you, of course, and well-deserved! I'm pretty suspicious of people as well. I always wonder what they really think. I totally trust my therapist; but sometimes I wonder what she thinks and what she write in that notebook of hers. She doesn't ever seem shocked at some of the nutty things I tell her. Haha.

Hi, Lee,

I'm sorry that I was paranoid that you might, I didn't mean that offensively at all.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I'm sorry you're suspicious of other people but I understand that, and it's really no wonder considering what society are like, especially with stigmatizing Mental Health conditions! I'm glad you totally trust her and yes, those notebooks, they're the bane of my therapy sessions! 'What's she writing? I bet she thinks I'm lying' etc etc. Lol! Aw bless you haha.

I just wondered, as this was a few days ago, if you'd emailed this to your therapist yet? If so, what did he say/think?

Hope you're okay, take care,

Kat.

I did email it to her and she was very impressed with how you were able to make her understand better the feelings we have. I think it is very helpful for my sessions that she now has a better understanding of the thought process of an eating disordered person (particularly anorexia). I told her I got it off the web, but did not want to disclose this site. I would always think she'd be reading the posts trying to pick out mine (yes, the paranoia creeps back in-haha).

Lee65 wrote:I did email it to her and she was very impressed with how you were able to make her understand better the feelings we have. I think it is very helpful for my sessions that she now has a better understanding of the thought process of an eating disordered person (particularly anorexia). I told her I got it off the web, but did not want to disclose this site. I would always think she'd be reading the posts trying to pick out mine (yes, the paranoia creeps back in-haha).

Ahahahaha oh gosh I'm so embarrassed oh no laughmya**eoff! I'm cringeing ahah.

I'm so pleased it helped her understand better the feelings and emotions and thoughts we have about our bodies and our Anorexia as a whole. I hope you get the most out of your sessions and I'm very happy to have helped! <- you made me smile, truthfully, for the first time in a while! (though it was mostly cringeing!)
Oh no no, I do not blame you for not wanting to disclose this site; by all means take things from it with permission but disclosing it would put you and I and everyone in danger really, just in case someone knows someone or works out their posts and tracks them down and now you've got my paranoia going!
I'm proud of you for having the guts to email her and I hope it helps.

I'm sorry, I chat utter shite and do crazy things and put in crazy faces when I'm nervous/embarrassed :\

All the best and if you want/need to talk about anything further, relating to this 'piece' or not, feel free to give me a Personal Message/PM - I'm not used to text-type anymore! Or write on here by all means

Kat

It's something to be proud of - not embarrassed about. I've been seeing her for 1 1/2 years and haven't been able to truly make her understand. It's such a crazy thing to understand if you're not in it - coping via starvation. - Lee

Kitkat, you were wondering what someone without an eating disorder would think if they read it, and I'm so thankful that you were comfortable enough to share that. My wife has had an eating disorder her whole life and it's just now come up recently when she started therapy. It's a long, difficult struggle for her, and it's a struggle in itself for me to try and understand it better so she doesn't feel so isolated and alone which breaks my heart. So thank you so much for this, it's a huge help in our lives. I wish you the best of luck all the strength in the world.

tau_alpha5 wrote:Kitkat, you were wondering what someone without an eating disorder would think if they read it, and I'm so thankful that you were comfortable enough to share that. My wife has had an eating disorder her whole life and it's just now come up recently when she started therapy. It's a long, difficult struggle for her, and it's a struggle in itself for me to try and understand it better so she doesn't feel so isolated and alone which breaks my heart. So thank you so much for this, it's a huge help in our lives. I wish you the best of luck all the strength in the world.

Hi, tau_alpha5,

I was wondering that, and seriously? That means so much to me, thank you. I'm so sorry to hear about your wife, that must be a massive struggle for both of you, but especially her. Not knowing how old your wife is, I know how long I've been suffering with an eating disorder and it feels like, not even exaggerating, a million years of pain, torture and suffering. Both mentally and physically. Bless you, tau, you seem like you really care about her and want to help her but that you don't know how to - that is so so common but then again, so uncommon in many relationships, especially coming from a Male. That's not being sexist either - many men (without ED's) don't know how to or don't even try to help their partner/wife/girlfriend through an eating disorder. Most don't understand and so retreat and do an ostrich, sticking their heads in the sand, and some get so angry with the sufferer they actually make it worse for them. I had a friend in therapy, she's 30 now, and her partner (who has now left her) made it so bad for her to try and recover from her Anorexia that it made her worse instead of better, and the emotional damage he did to her is still causing her more pain and hurt than when she started trying to recover. I am so so so honored that you have found some understanding and strength in this. Maybe when you're ready you can show this to your Wife?
Thank you, that made me cry, that's just what I needed this morning.

All the best and massive strength to both of you too - you in helping her and your life, and your Wife in her therapy which will hopefully, eventually, lead towards a happier life and recovery so you can grow old together and rock in your armchairs in eat cake

Kat <3