Chronic covert feelings of anger

Hey guys,

I was just wondering if anyone can relate to these feelings I've been having since my early adolescence.

I get angry, but it brews inside...at odd things.

Doing tasks has me grinding my teeth. Most tasks, particularly if they are simple. Other tasks, maybe even more so because they are too complicated.
Just looking at a person can anger me, not even for any specific reason.

I have times when it's more overt, I'll usually in a quick impulse yell F*CK.
Some times it's not even a big deal, but I guess maybe I'm just f*cking irritable?

And then, other times, I'm the opposite so chill and laid back. People are confused how to read me.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?

PS. Male, 22

I can feel you. Covert , constant simmering anger is considered "rage". Rage is different from anger in that it is constant , usually has no logical source , and is often barely contained behind a mask. Such anger , if incorrectly dealt with, can lead to selfdestructive/ destructive behavior . Without more information , I cannot steer you in the right direction. If you wouldn't mind though , a few things could help clarify the situation.

How is your living situation? Would you say you are happy in your current environment (aside from the anger)? Do you feel cheated or otherwise disadvantaged compared to others? Would you consider yourself to be inferior or superior or level with others? Any trauma recently or in your past?

To deal with things we must bring them to the surface. Find the root of the fire in your heart , and you can extinguish it.

I wouldn't goes as far as saying it's constant, but it's often.

My living situation, I'm back living with my parents. I was in a bigger city with my own apartment for 4 months, but I wasn't able to stay because I couldn't afford rent as me and my BP partner split.

I'm not very happy in this environment. My parents are anal retentive.
My mom is anxious and sees things black and white very often. I have BP tendencies myself so when we both come together it's quite the clash. My mom gets abusive after her own anger and imagined perceptions build it up.
My dad has two sides, the annoying/very strange guy or the massively impatient/raged/intimidator.
I want to leave this place, but I am far broke and have school debt to tend to before I can. Which may not be for a long time.

I feel inferior to others. Everyone around me seems to do things faster than me, better than me...If I try my hardest I only achieve average. So yes, I feel like I'm at a disadvantage from others, as I feel they are able to achieve further than me. That they are able to grow.

Recent trauma, I was with a girl over here--who'd recently moved from the province I was originally from--and everything was perfect. Awesome chemistry and compatibility, was very attracted to her physically, great sex life, she was someone I could talk to on a very intellectual level, was going somewhere in life, very sweet, very caring, very innocent.
Well...she ended up being very disturbed which was shocking to me and my parents as I just mentioned the way we perceived her above. I ended up finding out she was living a double life, had a relationship with her ex boyfriend--who was in the other province--during the entire course of our relationship. Was telling every she was single...set up everything to cover her tracks, got a coworker to hook her up with a guy, cheated with him too, then was also regularly cheating with her 35 yr old neighbor for at least a period of 3 months, got pregnant with someones kid, came to me and my family--who at the time we didn't know she was doing all this shit--and I thought I was going to be a father and be there for this 100%...But her ex bf came to visit her over here around the time she got pregnant--she lied and said a girlfriend from high school was coming to visit--but I honestly think it was his, makes sense she was getting drunk a lot and probably wasn't taking her birth control correctly. Either that or it was the neighbor guy.
Anyways, she had scheduled an abortion in the other province...because she was going to visit her family for a week and wanted to have the option open. So she just told me and my parents I was going to be a dad before she left, then when she came back she'd gotten the abortion. Well...she spent the week with her boyfriend there...and got an abortion.
When she came back she was beyond toxic. And would still go ###$ the neighbor.
Lead up until several weeks later, she up and decides to tell a heinous lie about having a meltdown at work, and that her dad was contacted through workers compensation, and they revealed the abortion and stuff. And that her dad was forcing her to move back home, 16 hours away from here. She said she tried everything because she wanted to be with me, but that she had no choice in being forced and that her dad didn't want me to come. But that was a heinous lie. In actuality, she was just getting her ex to come pick her up so she could run away and move in with him. So the last week was spent helping her paint up the place she was living in, and cleaning it, so her brother could put it up for sale and she could leave. I was torn, yet all week she was texting her ex, lying to my face about it, and when I'd go step out and run errands, she'd go bang her neighbor.
It didn't end there either, I still didn't know of these things at the time. So I wanted to be with her and we had a long distance relationship for 3.5 months. During that time she was with her ex though, still playing me and was just using me as a backup till I became her main again, and was using her ex till I moved there after 3.5 months of being apart.
I was so f*ucking sick finding out all this stuff. I mean I had quite a lot of suspicions beforehand but she never confessed or gave up so I guess I was in denial, and the image she portrayed of herself, had me SO confused.
I was told she was diagnosed with BPD in April, though she is clearly more disturbed than just a BPD prognosis.

Sorry for the wall of a story, but I know a lot of recent anger stems from this and the massive betrayal, the lies, and being so used and abused.
I've completely cut contact with her since we'd broken up about 1.5 month ago.

I'm unhappy and I have this void in my life, a constant emptiness. The only time I feel whole is when I find love. I have most of BPD traits. I just started seeking therapy about it.

Its good that you are in therapy for it. Being used and made to feel worthless can trigger anger in us. Just remember that her faults are not your own , and that you are still a wonderfully unique person who has just had bad luck in that area of your life. BUT , keep your head up and don't miss out when opportunity arises , for there is someone out there who will be everything you ever wanted. Love is coming your way , you just gotta have hope. Remember , that the perfect person for you deserves a you at your best , so strive daily for self improvement , so that when you do meet her you are in a good emotional/mental state so that she gets to know and love the real you.

Cognitive behavioral therapy and maybe the inclusion of some medicine is the best way to treat BPD. You may feel the desire to run away, or quit, or find yourself inventing reasons to resist treatment. When this occurs, remind yourself that it is part of your disorder and fight it. Knowing the symptoms and correlated traits will help you identify and deal with them in a much more efficient process.

I often feel inferior to others and somewhat slower, though I know this to only be a result of my mental disturbances now. Remember also , that you are only at a percentage of you full functioning power, so even if it takes you a lot of effort to be "average", that is you on a bad day! When you reach your full potential you will be that much greater, even better and more adept for having overcome you difficulties.

Best wishes friend and may Gaia bless the earth upon which you tread.