So freaking angry

Finally I have come to a near total understanding of my problem:

I simply don't perceive reality the way "normal" people do. They simply accept the idea that people are behind the changes in the world, and that individual people can change their lives if they want. Whatever path their lives take, they don't question the how and why; they just go with the flow. If that path changes, even radically, they claim to be responsible for that change.
I just don't get that mentality. And I have finally realized it is because I don't, that I have been stuck for 42 years just existing. In a world where everyone gets older, and needs money to survive as they do, I, with all my enormous potential, instead of even remotely living up to it, seem doomed to scrape by along the bottom. Unless a miracle occurs, I can honestly see myself at 70 or 80 still in the same routine: working some crap job for measly pay, then coming home and sleeping 12 or 14 hours until it's time to return.
Meanwhile others go from lowly positions to college and then better positions, or even use talents to get some fame and fortune.
I tried college but had to drop out due to my severe learning disability.
I have also realized that I have a severe mental and emotional detachment from the world around me. I feel like every moment I am actually in a coma, and will, one day, wake up in a hospital bed to discover I have been mentally attached, and have actually achieved things, such as a college degree, and a good job with that degree, etc.
One therapist said I was "living in my head" and that is a fair description of my mental state.
I do live in my own little world.
I simply do not take the things seriously that others take seriously.
I have gotten behind on rent, bills, etc, and not felt any concern when others confronted me on this. I have had the money to pay too. I have left the scenes of accidents due to being late for work, and recall not being aware that that was improper behavior.
I know it is due to this mental outlook that instead of succeeding in this world I have instead been lucky to survive.
Many people spend their whole adult lives achieving nothing but scraping by at some crap job. I do not remotely belong among their ranks but I feel condemned to them.
I watch others with intelligence and talent go from obscurity to success, and shake my head wondering how that happened.
It didn't help that growing up, during the years your character is formed, that my mother did everything in her power to control me and mold me into what she saw as the ideal.
This even continued after I turned 18, and even after I left home.
And I have been to the local mental health "experts" for help, and I am told be happy anyway, don't let myself be defined by my job, and instead of helping with my psychological block, simply give me pills to make me ignore my misery, and tell me only I can change my life, which is true, but the implication is I'm just sitting on my hands.
That would be true if I didn't have these mental problems. Since I do, I need them to help me overcome them so I can achieve the success I desire.
Instead I get these pat answers I described above.

Hi,

We must be related. All that you have written I can relate to. I can tell you without hesitation that life is utterly pointless, but so what? You might as well make the most of it whle yuor heart is still beating. However, if you ended-up on the street tomorrow, it would never change the progression of Earth and the Universe; nor would it bother the majority of people who are alive with you and I. I hope that you don't end up on the street, and that's why paying those bills is important. Get into the habit of paying them, or do it by Direct Debit (or Standing Order, where appropriate) if you can.

If you are unsatisfied in your job, then look for a new one; or give up 'everything' and go volunteering in some country in Africa. I have the firm belief, danscott7, that there is a place for everyone on this planet. If you are unhappy with something, then change it. By not changing things, I argue that you are actually being quite like everyone else who moans about their job, etc., etc.. Be the person, instead, who actually changes things 'ruthlessly' when they are wrong and not suited to his life. That's the person that I am: I change something if I'm unhappym so that my life can become better; and I erase people from my life if they are no use to me and if they are negative in any way.

I hope that you do'nt interpret my reply in the wrong way. i'm with you 100% because I think that we look on the world in the same way. However, I think that we look on our problems differently. I am proactive about changing a problem into a solution.

Take care
Kevin

That's just my point. I am, through no fault of my own, since I was very young, about 3, severely mentally and emotionally detached from the same reality others are attached to.
I feel I am unable to make changes in my life due specifically to my mental condition that has existed since I was a toddler.
I see changes in the world. The internet, etc, and it is stated that those changes come from people, people who choose to enact those changes. No one seems to find this even slightly unusual or hard to believe.
To me it is an incomprehensible mystery. I want to say, "You mean, the internet, etc, comes from those people around me walking and talking???? I don't get it."
Then, I read on the internet in magazines about people who were dishwashers, or a cashier, now they're the head of a company they founded, or rich from some invention they created, or they are now a pop star or an actor. I don't get how that happens. I'm told they changed their lives because they chose to, but to me it is an incomprehensible mystery how that happens. It might as well be a magic trick as far as the sense it makes to me.
So I don't think you get what I am saying, or perhaps you don't believe me. You seem to think I could change things with enough motivation. Motivation isn't the problem. The problem is mentally I fail to fit into the world around me, fail to mentally connect with the world around me the way others do, that would allow me to make changes in my life.
I do understand since I have income (although that too feels unreal to me) that I need to do what I can to keep it in order to stay off the street. Yet even in that I can't make myself care too much.
Everyone needs income. Apparently, most people have the ability to at least attempt to change the source of income based on ability and interest.
I tried as I said to get through college. I went to three different ones and never made it. My severe learning disability forced me to drop out, as I was told there was no point in continuing unless I could pass math, which, despite tutoring, I couldn't manage.
I am trapped in an unpleasant reality directly due to my mental state of disassociation.
I was once told I choose to remain trapped, but I know that isn't true. It comes from my mental state and years and years of control by a domineering mother.
I think the only solution is to pray for a miracle.

I do'nt know what to say in response to that. My thoughts, in no specific order, are: It is quite easy to see how a 'dishwasher' or 'cashier' could become much more successful. Ability lies in all of us, but we have to be in the right area and set of circumstances for that ability to come out and 'shine'.

In factm that's all that I have to say. I think that you should read my first reply again and see what you can get from it. Don't put up mental blocked to anything.

Kevin

I think that you have wrote this in the moment you are so frustrated about something and If you are so freaking angry and not able to do things right as you want one thing I want to tell you that previously me also the same but then after I have tried meditation through Yoga and it is best solution for us it will give a major to our mental health so we think smarter with fresh thoughts.

I DON'T see how a dishwasher or cashier can become much more successful.
The world seems to work this way:

We go along, doing whatever. We have no idea if our careers and our lives are going to stay the same or change radically. If they do change, we claim credit, as if we knew all along.


I don't get that. What seems normal to everyone else around me seems bizarre to me. I am developmentally disabled and mentally ill. It is all I can do to survive from day to day.


I have an inability to take anything seriously. Rent, bills, schedules, my work, etc. As you can imagine, this not only prevents me from succeeding despite intelligence and talent, but I am at risk for being homeless or worse.

It occurred to me that if you don't "fit" into the framework of the world around you, you don't have a hope of having your life changed.

And I don't fit. Not making excuses.

So I don't feel I did get anything from your response. Thanks anyway.


I think the best solution is to pray for a miracle, as much as psychiatry rejects the spiritual, and meditate in the meantime to alleviate the anger, as the other person suggested.

Thanks for the replies.

I DON'T see how a dishwasher or cashier can become much more successful.

No - you're wrong. It is possible to create a wonderful life from great setbacks. If you generate a dream, think out a path of how you can achieve it, and then get alogn with things, then it will be possible. I have worked my way back from the brink of death and 'nothing' to achieve a major dream in my life.

It occurred to me that if you don't "fit" into the framework of the world around you, you don't have a hope of having your life changed.

This is partly true ... The majority does rule but, if you think about it, you can 'phase in' and 'phas out' of that particular framework as much as you want. You don't have to constantly immerse yourself in it, but it is advisable that you do every now and then. Some people shut themselves out entirely, and this leads to problems, while others step in and out occasionally.

Life will never be for everyone.

I think the best solution is to pray for a miracle

Do whatever helps you.