Am I a broken person?

My name is Jason. I want to talk about what's happened to me so far, and find some way to overcome it. When I was growing up, my dad was gone a lot. He only started to live with us full time when I was 12. Before that, though, I had a lot of problems. When I was in the 1st grade, my teacher used to make fun of me, taking away my lunch box if I didn't do my work, or like the end of the year, where she locked me in the bathroom when I got angry. I know a lot of it was my fault, but I feel she might of been wrong at times. When I got to another school, all I did was read during recess, as noone would want to play with me, and they would also bully me. In the fifth grade, however, when 2 kids started to openly mock me, and call me names, like retard and four eyes, something in me changed that day. I started to beat one of the kids in the face with my book, until he started bleeding. I felt really bad, but something in my head sort of felt better once I did it. For middle school, when my dad started to live with us, I was rejected by many of the other kids. I once again was alone, actually trying to talk with teachers and relating to them more. I started to get bullied again, and I got into fights where some of them would mock and throw things at me, until I beat them until they bled. I was released before the end of the year, after the academics were done. That year, I moved to Colombia, where I went to a private school for the last two years of middle school. That was my worst school, where the kids hated me and ridiculed me publicly because I was american. They would call me gay and stupid. I got into 7 fights in 7th grade, and 3 in 8th grade. I then moved to another place, and have only gotten into 2 fights in my 2 years of high school. Now my thoughts. I used to be happy, wishing that life could be nice, and I could get a lot of friends. But now I almost wallow in misanthropy, and one side of me hates people. But what I don't understand is, I also have another thing in my head that wants to save people, and try and teach them to be nice to others. When I fight, I feel like I want to kill the other person, like when I choked one of the kids in 7th grade. But when I'm done, I feel so sad, and I start thinking that I'm a monster. I haven't had any friends over the years, always being alone. I want friends, but I don't understand how to get them. With my family life, my mom used to beat me a lot, and scream at me. She would also whip me with her belt. My dad would also yell at me, and hit me when he was really mad. Once, my mom hit me in the face with her shoe, really hard. I don't know what happened inside me, but I grabbed her wrists and squeezed so hard, I left bruises. I also screamed at her that it wasn't fair that this happens to me. My little brother mentally bullies me, saying things like you don't have any friends, or that noone loves/likes me. There was a time where I tried to tell him to shut up, but he's right now. It makes sense, considering that I don't have any friends. I just want someone to like me. I'm not a terrible person. I help out little kids when I see them trying to carry heavy backpacks to school. I don't want to kill myself, but if I had to choose when I'd die, it be to protect someone else. What's wrong with me, and what do I have to fix myself? I'm sorry I'm writing like this, I usually write better, but this is very personal

Heya,

So, are you still in school now?; and, if so, where? I'm imagining that you have migrated from Colombia at this stage. Im' going to make a suggestion that yo are a person who is 'too nice'. When you are too nice, you are an easy target for bullies. They prefer people who do'nt fight back all of the time. it makes them feel good about themselves to belittle others... they like to stay 'on top'. I'm aware that you do fight back, but the way that you do it is entirely unproductive. Obviously the things that they say/do upset you, and I'm not sure why exactly they pick on you in the first place, but the fact of the matter is that they are bullies and should be seen as such. They have issues themselves as to why they feel the need to 'perk up' their pesrona by belittling others, but maybe these issues are not your concern.

Helping others is something that you should continue to do, and setting up a mental 'barrier' to the bullie s is another. It is possible to do this, but it takes time to build it up. Your home life is something that I feel is related to this too... it has featured violence and so that is what you haev come to know growing up - i.e. violence. You have been 'taught' that it is a way to deal with things, when in fact violence should never be considered for anything.

You have a good heart - I'm sure of it - so focus on that and let it continue to do it's good work. In life, there will always be others who will try to get the better of you, and to deal with them is about ignoring them and leaving them to their own 'filthy' way of living life.

Take care
Kevin

You're not a broken person. You've just had to deal with some really unfortunate circumstances. The previous poster is probably right about your being too nice or "too sensitive" but don't worry about that. Speaking from experience I can say that if you are at heart a decent person, then trying to make yourself less nice in order to deal with a bad environment is only going to lead you away from realizing the person you have the potential to become. More than anything, the key to dealing with your problems is going to be finding people who appreciate you for who you are, and for the positive qualities you have. If you're the type of person who is "overly nice," in the long run that's going to be a plus. Once you find other people who are sensitive and nice you will be loved for having that quality instead of bullied for not being mean enough. I second the advice to act like you don't care about things people bully you about. It works. Whatever you do, don't let yourself become a person who uses violence to deal with your problems. It won't get you anywhere you want to go. Also, if you're trying to make friends, just think about the things you're interested in and find other people with the same interests. If you're into books, try to move to a town where people like books. e.g. a college town. Location change can make a big difference.