At the end of my rope..

Hello, so I am choosing to stay anonymous on here. I don't feel comfortable posting on here and am EXTREMELY hesitant that I even am. I've had a dire problem occurring for the past 5-6 years that has just been escalating and getting worse. (P.S., sorry in advanced for my life story). I've always felt very outcast in life but at the same time special and unique. I am of Middle Eastern decent although I look Caucasian. My parents are also first cousins (I don't know if that effects anything). Anyways, I grew up in a Greek Orthodox school and was widely outcasted for the difference in my religion and family culture. I was bullied a lot as a child and had a lot of pinned up anger. I have a sister who is 2 years younger than me (by the way I am about to be 23 this Monday), I would resort to always picking on here. I grew up as a child obeying my parents (because I didn't have a choice). I wasn't happy and the misery was tolerable. (I REALLY don't feel comfortable posting on here but as I said, I AM at the END OF MY ROPE). I continued onto high school with my best friends from middle school (had the same best friends from about 5-17). Was a decent (B+) student in high school while being a constant A student in elementary and middle school. I stopped caring about school (my parent's focus) and began caring more about having a life of my own. I began playing music and had a girlfriend- thats all that mattered to me. (If I didn't mention, my parents were EXTREMELY strict when I was a child, especially my Mom. Up till 5th grade ((probably beyond)) she would choose what gift I was getting a friend for their birthday, choose what I was wearing and in addition to all of that never allow me to sleep over my friend's house for their sleep over birthday parties! I don't know if I'm overreacting but I feel I had NO freedom as a child.) Anyway, I put all my focus (or the little I had into my band and girlfriend), both were successful for a bit. I dated my 1st girlfriend on and off for almost 2 years and my band lasted approximately the same (probably about 6 months later). Long story short, in my senior year my girlfriend broke up with me and my band broke up as well (my band was actually very successful to say the least, ESPECIALLY for a group of 15-16 year old kids who barely knew how to play managing themselves). In my senior year I just STOPPED caring, I went and get a new girlfriend- one that I look back on now and see as a psychopath. She was 6 months older than me, went to AA meetings to "hang out" and was on some heavy prescribed medication herself. Needless to say I stopped the "pure" path my parents put me on and slowly began doing drugs. I used her as an outlet to get away and she was happy to be that for me. In the year in a half I had done almost if not every drug (the exclusion of crack, it just seemed dirty and never was the right time for it, heh, =/) after being a sober activist up until the age of 16. (The only thing I did prior to being with my 2nd girlfriend was drink a couple times and had some horrible experiences). Anyways, this relationship ended, she got me beat up by some guy she was cheating on me with. (I also believe I received HPV from her and did not realize I had symptoms of genital warts until recently). I went on hanging out with bad crowds in ghetto hookah bars, smoking weed, drinking and doing any drug that was within my means for the next 4 years or so. My parents hated me, seemed like they were making my life hell but still never kicked me out. Shortly after being with my second girlfriend I had gotten arrested for shoplifting in Fred Segal with a "friend' with an extensive record. I was arrested with a double-felony with ZERO understanding of the consequences of my actions. My Dad bailed me out and helped me disappear that incident off of my record. - Moving forward, I went to "college", which really was a combination of unmotivated friends and a lot of psychedelic drugs. I didn't stay there for long- pretty much only till the "trips" turned bad. After that I began hanging out with girls in the porn industry. (understand my parents still didn't kick me out and still haven't, given I was lying immensely to them, God bless their hearts, I have no idea why the hell not though) My response to myself lying- I truly believe in what my Dad told me his father had told him (The moon only hides sometimes). God, I feel like a psychopath on here, again I don't know where else to go or what to do. Anyways, I began hanging out with girls in the porn industry, in that lifestyle I had met my 3rd girlfriend. She was 10 years older than me, but at the time what I thought was BEAUTIFUL. This relationship was in the year 2010. Allow me to mention, the whole time I had been on this "venture", despite all the drugs and other bad habits I was partaking in, I never stopped focusing on music. I actually wrote several songs that mean the world to me. Anyways, I began dating this women and she was bad news from the start. I sold my whole studio to go out on my own and live with her. She had an abusive coke-dealing boyfriend and I was tired of the lack of freedom at my parents house. So I took the studio I invested my life (or partial life) at that point and moved out with her. I was making life for my parents such hell that they had helped pay for me to leave as well. This relationship was a combination of lust, greed, drug abuse and violence. Every day we were either using (she was heavy into meth and I was a HEAVY pot smoker, not to say she didn't smoke and drink as well, she was heavier into it that me even but she was almost 10 years older than me). If we weren't using we were having sex. If we weren't having sex we were indulging the little money we had, and if we didn't have any money to spend we were fighting and this often rose to a physical fight. Needless to say the intensity of our fights warranted the police. At first she got arrested for domestic violence due to the fact that she was the one always being violent with me first. It wasn't long until I began being arrested for domestic violence. (God bless your soul if you're still reading this, I am tired as Hell and I am writing it and its about MY life). I had gotten arrested twice for domestic violence, once and my parents left me in jail over the weekend and allowed me to OR to their supervision and a second time as a violation of a restraining order. (Let me specify, I had only hit my girlfriend once, and this was when we were driving and she was hitting me and wouldn't stop, also the restraining order violation was removed but after another noise complaint was called they arrested me but the DA dropped charges right away. Anyways the 3rd time I was arrested my Dad had bailed me out again. I don't know why the Hell why still.) Now, here is where we are NOW:

It is October of 2011, my birthday is tomorrow. I have been 100% sober of all substances, pornography, cigarettes and have taken on a lifestyle of healthy living since July 9th of this year. (I had not seen my last girlfriend since the arrest in January) In the past 5 years I've had tremendous anger fits, breaking items in my house, and assaulting my father. I swore I will never do this again since the last time I did it. The other day I had assaulted my father, I threw a shoe at his head and he ended up in the hospital with 20 stitches.. I feel awful and don't know what the ###$ to do. I am working very hard, I am currently enrolled in school, working part time (really trying to work full time), have a band I am committed to and am exercising religiously on a healthy workout plan. I have been doing this lifestyle (with minor tweaks here in there) since July and I've seen a tremendous difference in my results. However I'll still have anger outbursts (given they are a lot less), however I feel every time I am on the fence my parents will glorify my past episodes to set me off. Usually, recently, I haven't let them get to me, I would go on a run, or do something productive to get away from the conversation. Most recently though (this weekend where my Dad received the stitches) I was home sick. I had recently converted to an all vegan diet and my body was adjusting. I had told my parents about this so they didn't expect the normal, running around, busy, working 25 hour days Justin (the person I have been consistently since July). I was talking to my Mom and she asked me to clean the towels off of my bathroom floor. I asked her if she can give me a break due to the fact I was recovering (and I have a reason I keep my towels on the floor, some are floor towels some are body towels). Anyways she responds with something along the lines of "well my hygiene is better than yours and I haven't encountered half of the problems you have in your life with your rashes". The day prior I had shared with my parents about my concern about my treatment of my HPV warts (^ see above) and that I had to handle it. At that point I had just SNAPPED. I could not possibly believe that my mother, someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally was asking me to do work that was counter active to myself recovering of the light sickness I was fighting and in the same breath put me down about (what I thought was and came across as) my STD that I am also fighting. I lost it, I started screaming at her and she left. So I called my Dad and started screaming at him. Sick, hadn't eaten all day and at the end of my patience with myself, let alone anyone around me. My Dad came home and through more gas on the flame and we continued arguing and screaming. This situation escalated and I started breaking stuff. He kept getting in my face telling me to hit him. I promised myself I would never hit him again so I didn't. Instead I started throwing shoes at him. I kept missing. I told myself in my head "one good shot and I'm out of here". So I got one good shot that put him in the hospital with 20 stitches. This was NOT my ######6 intention, I just wanted him to understand how much him and my Mom were hurting me. I don't know what the ###$ to do. I am at the end of my rope. I am hopeless, and am seriously contemplating a serious means to an end to this or checking myself into a mental hospital permanently. I don't want to hurt ANYONE, and don't want to do ANYTHING if there's any chance I am going to hurt someone. I have been off the drugs and party life style and am actually somewhat happy with my current life. I don't know what to do.. Please, for the love of God, help me.. P.P.S. Happy Birthday to me tomorrow.

I always believe that when a person is at the end of their rope, they need to tie a knot. Swing back and forth until you can reach out for anthers hand and climb to safety.
You have done that by posting here. Well done. There are plenty of folks that will no doubt read and reply to you with words of encouragement.
There is no shame is asking for support. We all need it from time to time.
Welcome to the forum.
One

Hello and welcome to the forum. I read all of your post even though I wasn't really meaning to, your experiences were very compelling to read as I realized that I used to feel a lot like that toward my parents.

You have endured a lot of abuse during your life and so it is not surprising that you are at the end of your rope... Things have a way of wearing us down, especially if we cannot seem to see a way out of the situation that is causing us such potent and uncomfortable feelings.

I could really relate to the way you described your parents actions and them controlling your life to the point of choosing your clothes, the gifts for your friends' birthdays, and not letting you go to sleep overs. My parents were like that too. It sounds like you are still experiencing that from them to some extent (like your mother telling you what to do with your towels). I can understand the anger that being controlled like that creates. My mother used to start by nagging at me with little things like the towels and gradually it would escalate into her mentioning every little thing under the sun that I had ever done "wrong" and her accusing me of not appreciating having her help after all that she had "put up with" from me etc etc. I would get so angry at her dragging up everything that I would scream repeatedly at the top of my lungs for her to leave me alone and she would just keep on hounding me. I would scream until I could feel the blood in my mouth from how much I was screaming that I was injuring my voice. I would start throwing things at her or violently slam doors in her face. I certainly came very close to hitting her, even close to shoving her after she had had a knee operation. I'm not sure how I managed not to. She certainly was frightened once she pushed to that point and so she should have been, I really don't know how I managed to keep a lid on it enough to never physically harm her.

First and foremost, I think the most important thing to do is to take yourself out of that situation when you start to feel the anger rising. Go for a walk to get a cup of tea, go for a run, go to buy a copy of the newspaper, go to violently throw pebbles into a pond. Anything that gets you away from the source of what is causing your anger will help. This is a good strategy for in the immediate moment so that the situation doesn't escalate. It's not really going to be good for you to take the anger out on another person, that's not going to help you or the other person, even though it can feel like the only thing that will help at the time. Take the alternatives instead.

I think you need to invest your energies mostly into longer term strategies to help yourself though. This will make you realize that your rope is actually longer than you first thought it was. I think it is very important for you to get a therapist to help you work through and express your anger in a safe way and to have a safe environment to express verbally the way you feel about your parents behaviour toward you. Having a therapist would also help you be able to see their behaviour in a different light and hence you will feel differently about it and act differently (as in, you may sometimes see that it is their problem, not yours, as well as seeing other revelations about the way they are treating you and where that may stem from their issues). Having a therapist would also give you an emotional support to be able to move out from your parents house and to have a safe and accepting role model in your life who will help you to develop and grow as a person. I have found it to be an immense help to have a therapist, particularly for the support and assistance he was able to give me to be able to move out of home and for the validation he was able to give me that my parents behaviour towards me was abusive and that I should feel within my rights to keep a healthier distance from them. It is very helpful for me to keep their toxic influence on me at arms length, it makes it a lot easier to control my anger. Ultimately though, I know I still have underlying anger at them (which I get the feeling you probably do at your parents also) which is gradually being addressed in my therapy so that I can start to feel more calm and peaceful overall. That is another reason why I think that therapy would be useful to you.

Anyway, that is just my two cents. I want you to realize you are not alone with the way you feel and that the situation can get better. You have had the courage to post on here for support and that shows a maturity and a desire for things to improve. You have taken that first brave step. Now you just need to continue walking this path and things will get much better, even though there may be bumps along the way.

Happy birthday by the way.

ItchyPanda, please make sure you talk to people in a supportive way. I felt that your post seemed accusing of the OP for the problems in his life. He obviously has not had appropriate coping skills modelled to him from his parents so the things you have said to him aren't fair.

Some of the things you say are certainly not appropriate for the nature of this support forum. Please speak to people in a respectful tone.

*Edited by mod*