Fluctuating emotions

I had to go shopping today to look for some clothes. The weather was really crap. Windy and rainy. I took my umbrella and ended up totally losing control of myself. The stupid f'ing wind ended up breaking it and I started to lose the plot. I started talking to myself, cursing the weather, saying HORRIFIC things like "I'm gonna f***ing stab you in a minute". I was even rambling stuff such as "Don't anger me 'cos I'll kill you". I don't even know who I was talking to - myself, the umbrella, the weather or God?! I don't quite know what it is, but my anger seems to be getting worse. I imagine myself stabbing someone in the throat one minute and then I'm totally calm the next. The next I feel like crying and then switch to wanting to commit suicide. I'll then become numb and block everything out. I'll eventually get to the point where I want to get better and start afresh (for the billionth time) and confront the reality of my life, which in turn causes me to become depressed/psychotic because I despise me, the way I look and so on...

I'm at a loss as to what to do. Anyone else been or are where I am?

Hello my friend,

I was in the same position as you - trust me. There was a time when my insults and foul language were directed at people in the public who I did not even know. It migrated, eventually, to death threats ... once to my own father. HOWEVER, anger no longer features in my life, and it has been this way for 3 or 4 years now.

Can you tell me off the top of yuor head what is upsetting you in life? Upset can lead to anger, but maybe in your case the anger is just confusing yuo a bit - i.e. making you forget just what it was originally that upset you so much that it lead you to sheer rage and anger. You aren't happy with what you're doing in life, perhaps...? I hated my life back when I was angry, and I really just wanted to eb doing something else. The feelings became confused in my head and I just resorted to shouting and fighting.

Look after yourself
Kevin

PS - it wouldn't be too strange if you went to the local doctor abuot this

This could have been written by me. At the time I didn't see how unfair I've been to everyone around me. The last time I physically collapsed and was taken to the doctor. I'm on medication now and it has really helped much of my rage issues.