Husband's anger is driving me nuts.

Hello all. I've posted in this forum a few times for myself, now I'm posting on behalf of my husband.
Long story short, my husband (I'll call him Q) has been out of work for about a year now (he's a carpenter) and has been drumming up odd jobs here and there, nothing real steady though. There's just no work for carpenters at the moment.
Q is angry and frustrated, and did I mention angry. He's like a caged lion.

Q has some anger issues from childhood. Dad walked out when he was 2. Mother is a very angry person and they get into arguments when they're under the same roof.

I've been paying the bills on my teacher's salary. We both won't say it but it really, really sucks being as broke as we are. There's things we really need and we just don't have the money.
We also have a 4 year old daughter.

A few months ago Q and I got into a raging argument about how I "don't do $#%^ around here" and I "clean house like my mother." Then I fired back about how "Yeah I don't do $#%^ I only pay all the bills from a thankless job."
It was such a major argument I actually walked out on him, took our daughter with me, and stayed elsewhere that night.

Well, last night the same argument happened again. Q, the pacing lion, just waited for me to come home from work so he could pounce on me and holler and scream about how I "don't do $#%^ around here. This place is a disaster." Even though, thanks to Q, our house is so clean you could eat off the floor. However, this argument wasn't over the house or the cleanliness. It's my husband's frustration at being out of work and his anger at being broke.

So, I've got one foot out the door at any given time. I'm getting so fed up with husband and his anger and his pacing and complaining that I just plain don't want to come home.

We tried counseling a few months ago but it was like pulling teeth to get Q to go.

I would like any advice or hints about dealing with dear husband and anger issues. ANYTHING! My marriage pretty much depends on it.

I follow the Dalai Lama on Facebook and ironically he has posted just for you today

"Anger cannot be overcome by anger. If someone is angry with you, and you show anger in return, the result is a disaster. On the other hand, if you control your anger and show its opposite – love, compassion, tolerance and patience – not only will you remain peaceful, but the other person's anger will also diminish." Tenzin Gyatso, his holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.

Anger is, essentially, a response/reaction to fear. Bear that in mind

A caregiver walking out on a child at the age of 2 would have serious consequences in emotional development and learning the ability or developing the facility to manage conflict, stress, fear, etc.

there's a lot of stuff on fear and anger in my blog site. If you care for a read, click linky in my signature line.

Have you made it clear that you are aware that such arguments are based on his frustrations due to unemployment, rather than the upkeep of the house? If not, you probably should.

Black Dove wrote:Have you made it clear that you are aware that such arguments are based on his frustrations due to unemployment, rather than the upkeep of the house? If not, you probably should.

That's not a good idea. That's actually asking for confrontation. He was abandoned at the age of 2--he probably doesn't like dealing with any emotions besides anger. By making him aware that she knows what he's feeling, he'll get confrontational and deny it because he's not even comfortable acknowledging it on his own.

Here's my idea: Have really aggressive sex with him. (Assuming you're comfortable with that). You could also try setting aside some time on the weekend to take him and your daughter out somewhere. It could be a simple restaurant or a movie theater--just somewhere. He probably wants to get out of the house and feel as though he's still a part of society. Put him in some sort of setting where he knows he has to act like the husband and father that he is. But, make sure that he'll have something to enjoy during the experience. (Hence why food is a good idea). Give him a lot more attention, too. He probably has neglect issues and, because of his emotional instability, is feeling neglected by you (even if you aren't neglecting him).

OH, and ABOVE ALL, BE PATIENT! I don't mean the half-assed "smiles-when-feels-its-a-good-idea" patience, I mean genuine emotional patience. If he freaks out on you, be calm and let him say what he needs to. If he is a good person, he isn't mad at you, he's mad at the world. That's the important thing to realize--no matter what he says, he's just letting off steam. It's unfortunate that you are his tool for letting off steam, but he has probably developed this bond with you due to his childhood issues. (And... Don't walk away from him when he's mad. That probably triggers his abandonment issues and makes him even angrier. Unless he gets physically violent, stand right there and listen to him. That's what he really wants--attention to his emotions.)

Characteristics wrote:

Black Dove wrote:Have you made it clear that you are aware that such arguments are based on his frustrations due to unemployment, rather than the upkeep of the house? If not, you probably should.

That's not a good idea. That's actually asking for confrontation. He was abandoned at the age of 2--he probably doesn't like dealing with any emotions besides anger. By making him aware that she knows what he's feeling, he'll get confrontational and deny it because he's not even comfortable acknowledging it on his own.

Where did you learn that about how he would react to this?

Here is some ideas:

* Contact companies/organizations which would have large groups of carpenters such as trade union, and see if they have work or know where it is
* Get him to volunteer for schools and other buildings as a carpenter which would allow him to get in the paper (if he makes something good, might get contacted and even if not he's now the carpenter from the paper)
* Do a different job that might not be carpentry but is still "manly" like working in junk yard or maybe a kitchen, lots of carpenters find they enjoy cooking.

Hello, I really appreciate the replies you all posted.

I actually printed up the quote on anger from the Dalai Lama, framed it, put it on my desk, and one day hubby walked by and hung it on the wall because he liked it so much. (Bulls-eye!)

I decided that instead of always acting like I have one foot out the door, which isn't helping anything, that I would be hubby's cheerleader instead. I do my best to stay calm, be understanding, encourage, show him job posting I come across, have crazy sex, and not nag. Consequently I have a calmer husband and calmer household.

Lastly, hubby found some work that will last the next 2 to 3 months...hooray!