Help understanding ex and her anger

I just got out of a relationship with a girl who had a very bad past. Father abused mother, step father abused mother. Dysfunctional brothers.

Her- Very successful and driven. She thinks she is strong, independent, which on the surface she is. Stands up for what she believes and anger comes out. Almost very womens rights, etc. Cant stand the status of old fashion relationships where the women basically take care of the man, house, raise kids etc. (not that is what I expect or even want) She gets very testy and argumentative.

The tough part when things were good, they were real good. She was very kind and thoughtful, affectionate, happy, etc. I still felt I was on egg shells that my opinion on something could set her off. I am very laid back and know to pick my battles in which most of the time I wouldnt respond or change the subject and all is well.

When we got into the few arguments that we did she was BRUTAL. Name calling, and as calm and nice as I could be she would just get angrier. It was like I was talking to a child that there was nothing you could say or do.

She did at time mention that she made a new years resolution this year to be nicer to people, be more mature, so I guess she understands she has a problem.

Our relationship ended over something very petty, and the one time I stood up to her diplomatically and ask her not to talk to me that way she went off the deep end and I left and we havent talked since.

This is frustrating

Can anyone shed some light on what this sounds like? if she is close to say over mid 30's is it even tougher to change?

Hi, JayL! It sounds like the way she was raised and probably treated as a child has left her with scars. Maybe she reacts like that because on the inside she's really scared of being abused or bullied again (as the people who raised her have probably done). It might be a defense mechanism. No one here is a professional psych though, and we can't tell you for sure.
What she's been through is not an excuse to mistreat people though, that's for sure. Do you think that you standing up to her did any good? Do you think she might realize that her behavior is bad, now? You could suggest therapy to her.

The tougher the outside, the more fragile and vulnerable is the bit inside it is protecting. Her anger is her way of protecting that vulnerable core.

It was like I was talking to a child

To all intents and purposes, you were ... She wouldn't have developed emotionally much beyond that of a child.

The couple I know where woman is the rage machine and husband is the cool head for whom there seems to be the least problems the husband early on as he was getting raged at calmly said "We're not going to talk until you've calmed down" and walked off. Since then he just walks off and refuses to talk to her why she rages, doesn't even say anything. He won't even acknowledge she exists until she stops it no matter what she does or how long it takes. She does it less and less through the years.

I have a similar problem with my ex, I have tried to be calm and civil on many occasions and she always gets abusive and nasty, generally saying mean things and using foul language to emphasise her point. The thing that I find most difficult about it all is that whilst we were together we never really had any fights then suddenly out of the blue she breaks up with me citing the fact that we want different things.

For weeks we calmly talked about the same things and sure there were some differences of opinion on subjects but I understood her view piont. We continued to have these discussions and only after these did she come out and say we wanted different things yet our views were generally the same and I told her that not everthing was set in concrete...