Guilt and Forgiveness

I have been angry for along time always yelling getting mad over everything. No physical anger but getting mad all the time at my children is just as bad. I was in a mentally abusive relationship, drugs, adulterly, controlling by my ex. I felt like nothing and the only thing I had to keep from going nuts is my sadness and anger. I was also abused as a child and my mother was a very manipulative and controlling person. My father tolerated that he told me he would never find a faithful woman like my mother. I became the same person I was determined I never be. I can't blame anyone but myself because you have a choice as an adult you can't blame your parents anymore. Well I finally distance myself from the abuse but as far as forgiveness that is something that I don't think I will ever achieve. Whenever I get in an argument or get mad at anything I wonder am I turning into what I was before. I can't get mad at anything now because my previous behavior is always brought up. I kind of distance myself from my family. Its a breath of fresh air to be around people that see you with a clean slate.
Its easier to want to be a better person when your around positive. I can say I am sorry forever and I can't take away their pain and anger at me. I wanted to be everything to everyone. That perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect employee. I became nothing to no one. My penance is that i will never be seen as nothing else but an angry woman no matter what I do. I hate to keep distance from my daughter because when I am around her I have to agree with her on everything the moment I don't I am the angry person. I like to be around new people because I can be the person I should have been. Does anyone understand what I am going through.

Hi, daya! It's a shame that your family always judge you instead of trying to find the loving person under all your anger and pain. Did your daughter ever have therapy? Maybe you guys could have some together, if you find a good psych that is. You could talk about your regret but also about your right to have a life of your own and not always get blamed for things. You could try writing her a letter too, and being very honest. Maybe she doesn't really think that you're still an angry person, maybe part of her just wants revenge.

I can understand how you feel. I made so many poor choices when I was young. People labeled me. But like you said some people never forget. But guess what? Thats their damage, not yours. For most people, to be able to let go and let a person they know start over, means that they may have to think about how they could grow as a person too. People who grow are like mirrors, and mirrors frighten people.
YOU get to decide who You are-everyday. You don't need anyones permission. They have no right-and the only power they have is the power you give them by caring what they think. You define You and let the haters stand on the sideline with their mouths open. They are week and afraid and you scare them for wanting to face life with a healthier perspective. Humble people grow, proud people wither into bitter loneliness.
We teach people how to treat us. What you might have been in the past does not define you now. If they see that their old judgments no longer work as a way of shaming you-they'll quiet down. But it starts with you no longer punishing yourself with regret.
Once you are convinced that you have the same rights as everyone else-to grow and learn-you can let go of the past and move on.
Shame is poison. You did them what you knew how to do. Once you knew better, you did better. Thats all the explanation anyone has a right to ask from you.
Now go spread those beautiful wings you have and be who you want to be!!! You fly and let the others sit in their own mud.
With Care,
One