Express and retrieve

Hmmm, well if you're being mindful about it and you don't want to treat other people as unimportant, it's a good step toward not doing it. Hey you know what might help a bit? You could google "self esteem exercises", I found some nice resources that give you stuff that you can do and everything.

I'm so glad that my understanding you is valuable to you Making you feel a bit better means a lot to me, it really does.

It does sound like those doors don't let people have privacy, people have their own boundaries and they need their own space and bodies to be respected. Your family should have respected this about you.

hmm.. I googled self esteem exercises, but didn't find a website which looks easy to read and organized. I have a mindfulness CD and I listen to them. I want to concentrate on listening to this CD for a while.

Yes, those doors don't let us have privacy. ppl have their own boundaries and they need their own space and bodies to be respected…

I remembered one more thing which accompanying feelings I want to express and retrieve.

My ex-partner lived with a female roommate in 2009. When I met her, I felt a bit strange feeling. She made me feel uncomfortable. I felt she was like a "look at me" person. She said "I am busy and most friends call me to make a schedule with me a long time ago…"

Well… I personally don't use a word busy, 'cause it sounds too subjective. I usually say I have a plan, or I have some errands to do…
Also, I usually say that I am very happy to meet my friends. I try not to reinforce that I am busy…

Well… I am not sure if I am writing well, but today I phoned a secretary at the clinic to cancel an ap. They were angry at me. They said the many patients need to see Dr. and I need to call 'em 24 hrs in advance. First, if there is a rule, they should have let me know. Second, well… patients come to the clinic 'cause they feel unwell. In my home country, the secretaries at the clinic are more soft and kind. If I cancel, they try to reschedule it or ask me what happened. I felt the secretary at that clinic is bossy. When I think about a bossy person, my ex's roommate comes up to my mind. I had headaches after I spoke with the sec…

Well… it's a messy writing, but I just wanted to write...

Oh, I hope you enjoy that CD and that it's helpful

Eh, she sounds like an arrogant person lol, her friends have to schedule her attentions

That secretary should have told you about the rule for sure and she should have been kinder and more polite.

The PhD prof in the States speaks in the CD; but to me obviously it's too difficult to fully understand him, but I will try.

Yeah, it sounds like that her friends have to schedule to get her attentions. If she really likes her friends, she will not say such a thing. (Not only her) Everybody has their own schedule and their own personal goal, so it's too much to say "I'm busy and my friends need to call me long time beforehand"...

I am going to try a different clinic. I am thinking to leave that bad clinic. Not only the secretary is hard-spoken, but also they do sloppy jobs. My GP referred me to a psychiatrist in the last Dec, but the referral didn't go through the Fax because the secretary didn't complete sending it.

Today I stopped by at another clinic and I saw a doc. He seemed gentle and the front desk as well.

Hey, I'm glad you found a new clinic with better people working there

If you don't understand everything on the CD, you could maybe look for something else too if you feel like it.

jasmin wrote:Hey, I'm glad you found a new clinic with better people working there

If you don't understand everything on the CD, you could maybe look for something else too if you feel like it.

Yes, I am glad, too I am coming back there in two weeks, and try to get to know the clinic more before I ask him to be my GP.

I am feeling frustrated with people who do the wrong things but believe they are righteous. Currently, my landlords and the secretary at my previous clinic are the ones. I need to be away from 'em, and find ppl who do the right things and believe they are righteous.

I want to be a person who always admit my mistakes. I recognize that I am sometimes very stubborn. But, at least, I don't want to be a person who treat themselves and others unfairly and believe it is fine.
When this belief is growing within my self, it gets very difficult to keep staying with people who don't have the same belief (people who don't do right things, but they believe they are right). And then this belief makes me to make a decision with whom I spend time and with whom I don't. Also, recently I joined the settlement service agency for new immigrants. I met some staff members, but I am doubting one or two might be that "righteous" people... I want to make a judgement so that I don't need to waste time with wrong people. The later I make my judgement, the more I waste my time and the slower my progress will be... One person said to me that I need to be honest in my request as a client, and if their answer don't meet my goals, I should leave 'em.


Yes, I don't understand everything. I have a list of mindfulness meetings, so going to meeting can be easier for me. I tend to give myself a hard time by working on the things which is way higher than my level... I need to find a place to fit to my level...

Well.. I now remember, when I was an elementary school kid, I used to pinch my own cheek. It was to give a punishment to myself. Whenever unwanted thought or feeling came up to my mind, I felt guilty and I pinched my cheek. I don't know why I restricted my own thought and feeling... I need to know what was happening to my mind at that time... I remember that when I was standing with other kids on the school ground, I pinched my cheek. I was wearing white short sleeve shirt and black short pants... Why did I think I need to pinch my own cheek? What thought/feeling made me feel guilty? I told myself I cannot think such a thing or have such a feeling, and pinched my cheek...ah...

Some people don't admit to their own mistakes and they mistreat others. I'm glad you're selecting against them in your life, good idea!
How come you're going to Bali?

Hmmm, maybe it was just an innocent thought but you somehow thought that it was a bad one?

Some people don't admit to their own mistakes and they mistreat others. I'm glad you're selecting against them in your life, good idea!
How come you're going to Bali?

Hmmm, maybe it was just an innocent thought but you somehow thought that it was a bad one?

I notice that I myself have difficulty to admit my mistakes. That's why I may feel some anger to people who do not admit their mistakes. I hate myself when I become very stubborn and cannot admit my mistakes. I might project my self-hatred onto them... That's why I might feel anger towards them....

Through my writings, you might have already noticed that I become very stubborn, sometimes.

I made some mistakes in the past. When I am treated very unfairly, I get angry against them. I feel like giving a revenge to them. And I did give a revenge to them (never murdered or harmed anybody, but some sort of revenge). I do very inappropriate things, sometimes. I am not ready to write about them right now. But hope to have courage to write in the future. I need to deal with my anger problems.

Bali?? I I don't have a plan to go to Bali.

Maybe, I had some innocent thoughts, but I might have thought they are bad ones. I heard the word, "black and white thinking". I don't know about this very much, but I might have this problem... Good news! I'm seeing a therapist the next Monday!! You are not a therapist, but you've been so supportive to me. Now I will be connected with a therapist, but still hope in touch with you if you don't mind.

Yayyyyyyyyyy I hope the therapist is great! We will still talk here, like always

Hehehe, I think I misunderstood about Bali lol, must have been some kind of wishful thinking.


You will find the courage to talk about the stuff you have done with time, it's ok. I'm sure you haven't done anything terrible. It's ok to be stubborn sometimes. You will start to admit your mistakes, slowly and step by step. You're already admitting to having shoplifted and not paying the fine for parking your bike in a "bad" place.

I thought you will be happy for my finding a therapist after a long time. I am glad you are still up to talk to me here.

There're two problems in this therapy.
First, it's the cost. They charge me 15 dollars for 50 minutes session. They say it's the minimum price they offer. But the price is still a pain for me, 'cause my income is less than 1,000 dollars.
Second, due to my depression as well as my limited English speech/listening ability, I cannot tolerate 50 minutes session in English. Also, it's more natural for me to talk about the past in a language I used to use at that moment. I used to speak only in Japanese when my dad sexually abused me.

The therapist said she can help me to apply for criminal injuries compensation. I hope this compensation will cover the cost of the therapy and the interpreter.
I need to check the compensation's website so that I have some prep-knowledge before I apply for it with my therapist.

Thanks for your wishful thinking about going back to Bali. If I go back there, it might help me to remember more about sexual harassment that I experienced in Bali. Remembering the past traumas helps me to know why I act/react in a certain situation/way at a present moment.