Is it my problem?

I've had anger issues since my early teens, I'd like to think I've grown out of it, or learned to control it better, however lately I find myself losing control.

I'll try and keep this concise, probably won't work but I'll try.

What triggers it, I believe, is hypocritical behavior on my parters part, or what I view as hypocritical behavior anyways. Anytime she wants to have a 'discussion' its about her issues and what she has a problem with. However, if I try to bring up something that I have a problem with, its somehow NOT her fault and I need to take care of it myself. For instance, I brought up that a certain action of hers makes me angry, and she retorts with something along the lines of "well you're placing the blame on me, you're saying that I MAKE you feel this way. I don't MAKE you feel anything.Its YOUR feelings that you need to control and I have nothing to do with that".

Whereas, if calling her a Bword makes her feel insulted, I would try not to do that. But if her action makes me feel angry, thats MY problem? Why cant she just stop doing that?

Another thing, I try as hard as I can to let her do her thing, go out with friends, do whatever. I'll stay home with the kids, thats no big deal. But pretty much any time I want to do something, it interferes with her plans, or doesn't sit right with her, or upsets her in some way. For instance, on my birthday, I decided to go by a friends house during the evening for a few drinks. She is upset because I'm not there to help her with her homework. Leads to a big arguement, blah. There are times I try to inform her of plans that I have, well in advance, and she'll retort with "Thats alright, I'll arrange my schedule according to YOUR plans, just like I always do." - which isn't true in the slightest from MY perception. I go to work, I come home. That pretty much sums up my 'plans' for the most part.

THE main issue here is, anything I bring up is turned around and made out to be my fault. MY perception of the situation is wrong, MY understanding of what is said is wrong, the way MY feelings arise is wrong. I feel as though I cannot win, and it just makes me that much more angry.

So, what I've been doing about it is bottling it up. Which I know is not the right way to do it, but expressing it almost always leads to a fight and I end up angrier than I started.

A couple times I've gotten physically violent, while intoxicated. doing things I would never do sober. We got into a fight both parties drunk one night, and she came at me. I didn't hit her, I just deflected her... which I'm somewhat bigger and stronger, so my deflections landed her into some furniture and such. I felt horrible, so horrible that I immediately went down to the Police Station and had them arrest me (which is a whole other story, it blew their minds... )

I feel as though I'm approaching a point where I may black out (has happened when I was younger) and do something I may totally regret. I don't want to reach that point.

I just need to know, I need a third party perception here. Is she right? Could my perception of events and conversation be that skewed? Is it possible to control your emotional reaction to certain things?

The way I see it, I cannot help that something makes me angry, I can only help how I relay that anger, or express it. I cannot help the anger itself, can I?

Hey dude,

I honestly don't know what exactly is happening here. On face-value, it is her that has the problem, but my perception of this could be biased because I'm only hearing the situation from your side. If it is not biased - and you have presented the exact truth - then you are not to blame here at all. Who knows ... ... she might actually have a problem that she is not revealing. When a person hides a problem, their behaviour can sometimes manifest itself in exactly the way that your partner is right now - i.e. they appear self-centered and start to blame everything on you. I know this because I have seen in in others, and I have done it myself when I have hidden my problems.

So, be careful about how you approach this. Does she have any 'quirky' behaviours?; has anything happened recently that could have made her depressed?; is she happy with the relationship in general? I don't think it would be too 'wrong' of you to go to a counsellor in your own time, if you feel that it is necessary. You do'nt have to tell your partner just yet - or even ever tell her - but it might help to hear a counsellor's point of view. Maybe through your work you can obtain free access to one?

Kevin

I'm trying not to make it biased, I'm sure it is at least somewhat.

Quirky, yes, very. She is naturally a quirky person. She could be depressed recently because we 'took a break' (answering the other question, no, she's not happy), she went and slept with someone else and I went and smoked some pot.

On that note, I quit smoking pot about half way through our relationship (3 years), and as far as I can tell when I did smoke on a regular basis, I was a much happier person.

I cannot afford a counselor, and my job doesn't offer any type of insurance, let alone a therapist/counselor.

Sometimes she'll tell me that I'm just turning around and 'projecting' the issues with myself onto her. She'll say I really dont have that many issues with her, I just 'come up' with them for the sake of argument.

I cant really explain very well how this is working I think because alot of the time I have NO idea what she's talking about when she busts out the psychobabble. It's damn near impossible to have a balanced argument with someone who is going to college for psychology.

You know, it is said that smoking pot (or other drugs) long-term can induce schizophrenic-like states in people. Plus, whilst you might have felt happier while taking it, it was always just hiding the reality. I mean, an athlet can take steroids to boost performance, but it's not reflecting the true state of their body - i.e. they are pushing their bodies beyond their true means by taking the steroids.

So, I have little idea where you are noth going. She has cheated, she smokes pot, she is unhappy, ..., and perhaps she is clinically depressed. In such a state, it would be dificult to enjoy anything in life, even the company of a loved one (i.e. you). It's unfortunate that you cannot afford to get professional help. However, despite this, there must be groups for depression or even drugs that you can meet up with?

Kevin