I blackout when angry and i can't control it

Hello
I'm a new member
when I get angry I blackout. when I "come to" I don't know what happened I'm completely confused when I come out of that. I've hurt many of my friends and family and it makes me feel guilty. When It happens I start to shake,get headaches,and everything goes black when I calm down I'm really weak and it brings me down to my knees its very uncontrollable and terrifying for me . My mom has taken me to doctors but they can't quite figure out what's wrong with me. I don't know what I'm capable of when I blackout that's why I'm terrified. I have a quiet personality so I try to keep out of arguments as much as I can because I don't wanna blackout. The first time I blacked out was when I was abused by kids a lot at school. I would always just sit there and cry not fighting back but while they were hurting me I felt so much anger but I would hold it in instead of expressing it. They would constantly bully me until a few months ago I exploded with so much rage and I couldn't control it. eventually I blacked out and when I "came to" five teachers were holding me down. When they let me up I saw the kids that were bullying me on the floor all bruised up and bloody. I tried to talk to them but they were terrified of me. Ever since that day I've been getting flashbacks about the stuff I did to those kids while I had a different personality.
If you can tell me something that would help please tell cause I'm desperate for help and advice. Is there something wrong with me? Is this going to stay with me my whole life?what kind of help would I need for this?

Welcome tophgrl14!!!!
I have been waiting for you to post! I am so glad that you have!!!
It takes a lot of courage to reach out and spill your concerns here but it is an important step in claiming your right for answers and your right to be heard.
Blacking out like that must be terrifying. But there is sure to be a medical explanation for it. I think a good place to start would be to talk to your family doctor,they may refer you to a psychiatrist or counselor.
Several years ago, I blacked out when I was triggered by something someone said. They left and I was home alone. I came too half an hour later with an empty bottle of pills beside me. I called 911, they saved my life. It was called dissociation. A symptom of PTSD. It would have to be a proper Psychiatric doc to diagnose you. You mentioned another personality so it could be DID too or any number of other conditions. The good news is that the sooner you get it figured out, the sooner you will feel safer in understanding what is happening.
I am so glad that you came here too. I am sure you will find a lot of support.
Again, WELCOME!
With care,
One

onebravegirl wrote:Welcome tophgrl14!!!!
I have been waiting for you to post! I am so glad that you have!!!
It takes a lot of courage to reach out and spill your concerns here but it is an important step in claiming your right for answers and your right to be heard.
Blacking out like that must be terrifying. But there is sure to be a medical explanation for it. I think a good place to start would be to talk to your family doctor,they may refer you to a psychiatrist or counselor.
Several years ago, I blacked out when I was triggered by something someone said. They left and I was home alone. I came too half an hour later with an empty bottle of pills beside me. I called 911, they saved my life. It was called dissociation. A symptom of PTSD. It would have to be a proper Psychiatric doc to diagnose you. You mentioned another personality so it could be DID too or any number of other conditions. The good news is that the sooner you get it figured out, the sooner you will feel safer in understanding what is happening.
I am so glad that you came here too. I am sure you will find a lot of support.
Again, WELCOME!
With care,
One

Hey onebravegirl
It is terrifying for me because I can't control myself, I don't know what I'm doing when I'm like that,and I end up injuring myself or others around me
most of my family are afraid of me so I'm practically alone with getting support. The ones that help me are mostly my parents and close friends.
It took me awhile to think of something to write but I did it.
I've tried meditation and breathing but it doesn't help me.
Its like when it comes over me and I can't take it anymore I lose complete control and everything goes black. When I come to usually I have committed something bad and I don't recall doing it. So if you can give me some advice it would really help me.

I have read that some who are Bipolar have these types of blackouts. It is also common in cases where people have been abused as children. Have you experienced anything that could account for this? Abuse of some sort? Being victimized in some way? I ask this because it could explain your over reaction. If you were not treated fairly, you could be triggered later in life to be very sensitive to offense.
When we are angry, adrenalin levels go up. If those levels are very high, it might explain the black out.
I'm not a doctor of course, but I really think you should talk to one about this.
I suspect that there is a very good reason for all of this anger. we all need to be heard, acknowledged and understood. Anyone who is not having those needs met would get angry and frustrated. But now, you are getting violent and this clearly means that you need help. Before you really do something very bad and then have to face the consequences in court.
Be careful hun. Your not a bad person at all. You came here for help, and that takes real bravery. All problems can have either solutions or alternatively possibilities for treatment.
When we don't know better we can't do better, but once we learn new things about ourselves we grow.
Keep talking, I'm here,
One

Hey onebravegirl
Yea I was abused at school many times and my older cousin would beat on me when he was drunk cause I would babysit his daughter while he was at work and sometimes he would come home drunk and sometimes beat on me cause he got mad about something then I would go home and tell my mom about it. She stopped me from babysitting cause she's worried I might blackout with him around and I might hurt him or myself so she keeps us at a distance now.

He beat you? Was he reported to the police or CPS? If he has a daughter, he should be reported even more, in case he hurts her too.

jasmin wrote:He beat you? Was he reported to the police or CPS? If he has a daughter, he should be reported even more, in case he hurts her too.

Yea he beat me. No he wasn't reported for it and we don't worry about his daughter because he's been sober for a while so she's ok.

He should have been reported, I'm sorry no one did anything about it. Are your parents still looking for doctors to help you with this?

jasmin wrote:He should have been reported, I'm sorry no one did anything about it. Are your parents still looking for doctors to help you with this?

Yea but their still not having any luck with it

Sometimes the short cut in going to Emerg in a hospital. It get you in the front of the line when it comes to referrals.
If this type of anger happens again, it might be wise to walk into a hospital.
Hope your weekend goes smooth. You've been on my mind and I wish you all the peace possible.
With Hope,
One