Need help with my anger.

I have had a problem with managing anger my whole life it seems. I don't know if it means anything, but my family life was not fantastic. My parents were very heavy handed with physical and verbal discipline. My dad was the worst as far as physical, a spanking would leave me crying for hours and unable to sit down, and he actually punched me a few times. My mother was more verbal, when I had done something wrong she made me feel horribly guilty for more than just the particular thing I had done to upset her. I was told countless times that I was a mistake, that being raped at age 12 was my fault, "You're a whore and you asked for it" was what she told me. As a teenager I lived at friends houses more often than my parents, and I got into drugs which I managed to get out of. I was in counseling constantly which left me feeling worse because I had to attend with my parents, who would deny any wrongdoing of theirs and exaggerate anything I did. For instance, if I slammed a door, they would tell my doctor that I trashed the house.

Now onto the present. I am engaged and living with my fiance. His ex wife committed suicide a year ago, and he never really dealt with the grief, just started drinking and taking perks. I drank with him, quite heavily for a while until we made the decision to quit because thats when our biggest fights would occur. We never really fought before we started drinking everyday. However the fights are continuing. They're not every day anymore, but they are still happening. I have a short temper, so if he says something or does something that pisses me off, I have great difficulty being rational. It starts with me giving him the cold shoulder, or being short, and evolves. He will ask me whats wrong, and when I tell him, he defends himself, saying I'm making a big deal out of nothing, which makes me angrier because I feel I am not being listened to. So we keep snipping at each other until I get really mad, which is usually when I try to walk away. I have told him that when I get angry, I need that cool down period. I am incapable of being rational when I am angry. Sometimes he respects this, but sometimes I may have said something hurtful, or he just isnt ready to end the "discussion". If I cannot get that cooldown period, I lose it. I start yelling and screaming, slamming doors, occasionally throwing things. I get very mean and hurtful which leads him to do the same. A few times it has ended in me leaving for a few days. We love each other very much, and the thing is, our arguments are never over anything serious. It seems something just snaps inside me, where other people would be mildly irritated, I am in a rage. I try to stop it, I try to focus and calm down, but I can't. I need advice for this. I tried journalling to track what was triggering these explosions, but at one point I had got so angry and felt that everyone was against me that I wrote a suicide letter in it. Since then it has gone missing, we can't find it anywhere which leads me to believe one of his family members who is aware of the situation has taken it. If anyone has some tips on how I could control this, I would appreciate it. I feel my anger is destroying our relationship and I have to stop it.

Hi Jennifer,

You made mention to the fact that your arguments are not over anything big. That's not the case, as far as I can see. on face value - sure - they're over nothing big. However, each argument is 'arguably' (forgive the pun) based on the exact same ting: your respective inabilities to control your rages. So, going into a committment such as marriage, this should ideally be sorted out. I mean, are you going to forever continue a relationship in the way that yours currently is in? Something surely has to change here, and ideally soon.

If you have the option to, then avail of counselling. However, it is essential that you both know why you're going and also that you both take active participation in it. If you do'nt feel that external help is needed, then you'll simply have to resolve this on your own. Sitting down at least once per week to 'let out' your respective annoyances might be an approach to take. At the present time, it seems like you are both incapable of releasing anger/frustration in any way that is constructive. There really is a way to let it out constructively though, instead of just 'snapping' over the slightest of thing for which your anger isn't even related to.

Kevin

I heard an interesting theory on anger recently. It was that anger is a blocked wish. Don't know if this fits you or not, buy why not try asking yourself what it is you wish for and what might be blocking it?
The reason why you can't think straight when you are mad is because of the adrenalin. Once it leaves you can think more clearly.
Keep in mind that YOU are responsible for how you feel. Take control of that in small. Step one, walk away. Take a walk, cool your head and then talk. If you start to get mad again, walk again. It might take you forever to get through a conversation but at least it will be more productive that yelling, throwing, swearing and what ever else might happen when you are in a rage.
Also know that your not a monster or anything. We all get angry, but let that anger teach you something.
Best Wishes,
One

I know i don't like it when i don't feel heard eaither. I can agree to disagree if i at least i am listened to, and hopefully understood. I have been having issues with anger when my husband does or says something hurtfull. Ok its more like rage. I was told that i have some parts buried deep and they hold abuse that was done to me. That they r really mad about it and get triggered by being hurt. That they hold the anger at the original abusers. Im not sure, but i would like to love myself enough and b secure enough that he, nor anyone else can knock me so out of whack. I am glad that i found this sight and that i have people to relate to now cause i have been feeling pretty isolated. I am trying to build more of a support system cause i really havent had much of one since i moved here.

Welcome Laura Ann
Every person wants to be heard, understood and valued. If you have been abused, it only makes sense that you have anger. If someone treats you in a similar way as to when you were abused, some part of you can become triggered by it.
I don't know if you have a diagnosis from your abuse issues. Your description sounds quite normal for a person who has suffered trauma.
Please feel free to start you own thread about you personal struggle with anger. There are many helpful people here with lots of practical suggestions.
Hope to hear more from you,
One

Thanks One. I won't start in the beginning or with Once Upon A Time. I got married not long ago, in the land of Hope that quickly faded to something much less than that. He did things that hurt at the core of me. Not because he is mean, or out to get me, but he has issues like Who Doesn't. So I would kick him out, cause that's what I do. Throw up walls of Get Out. But pretty soon I would kick him out and another part of me would hide his keys cause she didn't want him to leave. At first I thought it was me but he caught a glimpse of her, and she was much younger. She saw when he saw her, and he saw that she saw, him c her. When he first told me how young i looked and enduring, so he just couldn't get mad at me, I knew that i felt her but unaware of how split we really were.
At the worst point in appearence, yet what do We know, she cwawled up beside him and let herself b known. Unaware she had a body and living in a place called Unknown, yet by her own admission held down by monsters at x's. He guided her 2 stretch out and told her this body of mine was hers. He can b very smart and helpful @ x's.
Since then there has been a little girl screamimg for her mother not to let them take her, and some memories that parts hold that lets just say, Aren't Fun At All.
So i agree with the person who said anger can lead u 2 ur fears and hurts, and also with One that the truth will set u free but sometimes it knocks the wind out of u first. Most days we live back in the land of Hope, but i also know The Dead Zone. I think we r both getting better my husband and me. I dont kick him out anymore, though we live in his house now. I have only left once. Progress tastes good and is low in calories, yet i dont have a recipe 4 it.

Progress happens when we try and learn and understand our surroundings. We all grow very slowly, but we do grow.
Hang in there Laura.
With Hope,
One

One
Where did u find ur beautiful picture and how did u transfer it. Its great!

Thank you, I like it too. I googled sepia images. I have no idea how to put it on here, I tried and could not so Chucky did it for me.
One

I will take a look, thanks! Maybe he would help me as well. How r u doing? What r ur struggles, successs? If ya wantta share.